BREAKING NEWS! Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump revealed last Sunday that his people have discovered the founder of ISIS is from the United States and still living in the country under an alias. Robert Allen Zimmerman was born in St. Mary’s Hospital in Duluth, Minnesota on 24 May 1941 and raised in Hibbing, Minnesota west of Lake Superior. Born to the children of Jewish immigrants, his Hebrew name was שבתאי זיסל בן אברהם (Shabtai Zisl ben Avraham). His paternal grandparents were refugees from Odessa in the Russian Empire and his maternal grandparents were from Lithuania. But in his autobiography, written under the pseudonym of Bob Dylan, Zimmerman revealed that his paternal grandmother's maiden name was Kirghiz and that her family actually came from the Kagizman district of Kars Province in northeastern Turkey. According to Mr. Trump’s investigators, it was his paternal grandmother, who in America took the name of Anna Zimmerman, that first introduced her grandson to the teachings of the prophet Muhammad and encouraged him to lead a worldwide Muslim revolt against the West.
According to Mr. Trump, Zimmerman cleverly assumed the Welsh pseudonym of Bob Dylan in order to hide his Semitic connections, and surreptitiously migrated to New York City at the age of nineteen, became a musician, and managed to make enough money off of his records and musical tours to fund terrorist activities in the Middle East. At the same time, he wrote lyrics that were so ambiguous that no one suspected they contained coded messages to his fellow terrorists. For instance, in “Mr. Tambourine Man,” he acknowledged that the original Caliphate had fallen (“I know that evening's empire has returned into sand”), but he urged his followers to have patience (“forget about today until tomorrow”) and to be ready for the day of reckoning (“In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you”). And in “All Along the Watchtower,” he complained about the westernization of the Saudi royal family (“Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth / None of them along the line know what any of it is worth”), cautioned his followers not to fall into western ways (“let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late’), and promised that the day of judgment was approaching (“Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl”).
Appearing on Meet the Press Sunday, Mr. Trump told an astonished Chuck Todd that in the 1960s Dylan was responsible for trying to undermine the United States government by fomenting rebellion among the masses of Americans. “You know that song ‘We Shall Overcome?’” Trump asked. “Well, it was written by a Communist named Pete Seeger, and Dylan instructed his girlfriend Joan Baez to sing it at the march on Washington and it then became the anthem of the civil rights movement and riled up all the blacks. Dylan or Zimmerman or whatever you want to call him kept out of the spotlight by having her sing it.” Trump went on to claim that Dylan was so zealous that he occasionally crept out of the woodwork to sing his own songs of rebellion, like “Masters of War,” “A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall,” “The Times They Are A-Changin',” and “Blowin' in the Wind.” Mr. Trump took a piece of paper out of his suit packet and added, “Here’s the ending of that ‘Master’s of War’ propaganda song. Just listen to this, Chuck.”
“And I hope that you die / And your death'll come soon / I will follow your casket / In the pale afternoon / And I'll watch while you're lowered / Down to your deathbed / And I'll stand over your grave / 'Til I'm sure that you're dead.” Mr. Trump pursed his lips and added, “You don’t have to be a brain surgeon to figure out what he’s saying here.”
Mr. Todd, clearly perplexed, tepidly offered the opinion that Dylan is very well-known and his name isn’t really an alias, but Mr. Trump would have none of it. “After laying low for years while working covertly with jihadis, he finally issued the call that created the current Caliphate, even gave them their name. Do you know what the title of the song is, Chuck? Do you? Are you sitting down?” Mr. Todd nodded that he was indeed seated. “ISIS!” cried out Mr. Trump. “He wrote and sang a song named ‘ISIS!!!’ He came out with it in 1975 and nobody even noticed.” Mr. Todd remonstrated, “But Isis the name of an Egyptian goddess. And that song is about a man who learns the true value of loving a woman.” Mr. Trump cut him off, saying: “My people tell me different, Chuck. This Zimmerman guy is very clever. It seems to be about love, but it’s really about a new Caliphate taking over the world. Listen, Chuck, I’ve got lots of money, and I hired some professors to study the song and interpret it for us. They’re really smart. You wouldn’t believe how smart they are. Huge. Here’s what they figured out.” Reading from another paper, Mr. Trump stated: “The guy marries Isis but she leaves him. So he cuts off his hair and heads out into the wild country. In other words, he disguises his Arab features and goes into the desert where he comes to a place of darkness and light. The darkness is Christianity and America and the light is Islam and the Arabs. Then he meet another guy who persuades him to forget about Isis and go off looking for riches. Finally they come to, get this Chuck, the pyramids. The freakin’ pyramids, for God’s sake. And they’re in America! The other guy dies and the first guy buries him in the ground and goes back to Isis and he tells her ‘What drives me to you is what drives me insane.’ Can’t you see what she wants, what all the Arabs want? Our precious bodily fluids! Well, what do you say to that?” Mr. Todd was speechless and NBC went to a commercial break.
When they returned, Mr. Trump dropped another bombshell. “Did you know that President Obama, or should I say Barack HUSSEIN Obama grew up listening to this Zimmerman or Dylan guy’s songs? My people have discovered that Obama is a Dylan and ISIS plant, a Kenyan Muslim who was sent to Hawaii by the Arabs. He and Dylan planned the rise of ISIS and Obama rewarded the guy with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest honor you can give a civilian. He pretty much turned over the country to him. And unless I’m elected, America is finished.” Asked what he would do to solve the crisis, Mr. Trump replied: “I have a plan. It’s huge. I have a team of people, the smartest people in the universe. Huge. First I’m going to put this Zimmerman in Gitmo and waterboard him until he gives up the names of all his fellow terrorists. Then I’m going to build a huge wall around the entire country. I’m going to deport Hussein Obama, everyone in Minnesota, and everyone who’s been exposed to Zimmerman’s songs. After that, I’m bombing all the Arab nations back to the Stone Age and making Christianity the official religion of America. I may even bomb Russia, but I might wait until my second term for that.” Mr. Todd was again speechless. “It’s gonna be huge,” Mr. Trump said, “totally huge.”
After the taping was concluded, a cameraman heard Mr. Todd ask, “you don’t really believe any of this, do you Donald?” Mr. Trump laughed, “Of course not, you little twit, I’m not crazy. But Ted Cruz just rose by ten points in Iowa and I need to steal a lot of his supporters and rally my base. Great stuff, huh?”