From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things I Learned from Republicans in November:
From the party of intellectual responsibility...
The Egyptian pyramids were built by the biblical Joseph for storing grain. (Ben Carson)
Let's single out and database all American citizens who practice Islam in case we need to round them up. Oh, and spy on the mosques, except the ones we decide to close outright. (Donald Trump and Donald Trump)
Texans should have a vote on seceding from the United States. (Texas Republican party committee member Tanya Robertson)
America's founding fathers had no political experience. (Ben Carson again)
Gay marriage will bring about the next financial collapse. (Pat Robertson)
Obama should be stripped of his salary and also his food. (Mike Huckabee)
We need a federal department of Judeo-Christian Values (John Kasich)
Thousands of New Jersey Muslims cheered as the World Trade Center towers fell on 9/11/01 (Trump again)
Promiscuity is okey-dokey for my family, but not for thine. (Sarah Palin)
Thomas Jefferson crafted the U.S. Constitution. (Carson again)
Only Syrian refugees who can prove they're Christian should be allowed into the U.S. as refugees. (Jeb Bush)
Russia is the greatest country on the planet. (Michael Savage)
God’s rulings are more legally binding than the Supreme Court’s rulings. (Marco Rubio)
Please update your World Book encyclopedias accordingly. Meanwhile, Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, November 30, 2015
Note: We hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. If you didn't, you'll be pleased to know that the C&J Memory Eraser 5000 is back in service. Just insert $5,000 in quarters and push the red button. We’d tell you what happens next, but that’s proprietary. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Wins at MahJongg Every...Damn...Time: 18
Days 'til Math MoSAIC Festival at MIT: 11
Percent by which U.S. paychecks were higher this October versus last October, according to the Commerce Dept.: 4.9%
Percent by which paychecks rose in the first four years after the recession ended: 2-3%
Estimated number of Mexicans and their families, including American-born children, who left the U.S. for Mexico between 2009 and 2014 according to Pew Research: 1 million
Number of Mexicans and their families who came into the U.S. during the same period: 870,000
Estimated number of miles Americans had driven this year as of July 31, an increase of 4% over last year according to the Dallas Morning News: 1.8 trillion
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
And the winner of the National Dog Show is…
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CHEERS to clearing the air. Woo-hoo! It's finally happening! Nearly 200 countries from both earth and the planet Orpglorb are sitting down on their butts and tentacles for 11 days to figure out a way to reverse the no-longer-looming-but-actually-here-today climate catastrophe. So, in the immortal words of Robert's Rules of Order: "No more laughing, no more fun, no more chewing bubble gum. The COP21 Paris Talks have begun, starting right…now!" And America's favorite Kenyan colonialist is a major player:
Obama has spent the last several years working to secure commitments from other nations on reducing greenhouse gas emissions leading up to the summit… In nearly every discussion with his foreign counterparts, Obama has pressed the climate case, insisting this week's Paris talks yield a global commitment toward preventing the planet from warming 2 degrees Celsius, a benchmark threshold. […]
Obama hopes to make combating climate change a significant part of his domestic presidential legacy, alongside health care and immigration reform. But like those items, his agenda has been stymied by Congress, which hasn't approached significant legislative action on climate change since a cap-and-trade bill failed in 2009 and 2010.
There were rumblings that the Senate's most vicious climate-change denier, James Inhofe (R-OK) might fly over and crash the talks, but something more pressing came up. Namely, finding the sonuvabitch who stole the snowball he put on his desk last February and replaced it with a small puddle of water.
CHEERS to less snooping. Never thought I'd see this: over the weekend the NSA stopped its bulk surveillance of your and my phone calls:
Beginning Sunday, if the government wants to check on a specific phone number in a potential terrorism case, a request must be made to the relevant telephone company for a check of its own data. The government will no longer retain the information. President Obama said in January that the bulk data collection would end, and Congress in June formally banned it but allowed for a six-month transition period that ends Saturday.
But don’t worry. C&J's designated NSA tracker Bart will live on in our potted plants and ceiling lights, if not in our hearts.
JEERS to "The Carly Fiorina Effect." That's what Kossack and Daily Kos Radio host David Waldman calls the result of the act of terrorism in Colorado Springs that left three dead (including a cop) and nine injured at a Planned Parenthood clinic. It was Fiorina who catapulted the "harvested baby parts" hysteria to new heights to score cheap political points while futilely clawing her way to the Republican nomination, and "no more baby parts" is what the killer said out loud as he was led away by the cops. As for the "leadership effect"…
[A]ll three of the top Democratic presidential candidates quickly rushed to express their support for the organization.
Meanwhile, the leading Republicans, all of whom have spoken out against Planned Parenthood, have largely remained silent about the shooting. Operatives from both parties suggested to Yahoo News that the incident puts the GOP field in a tough spot because of its opposition to Planned Parenthood. The organization is the country’s largest provider of abortions.
Bottom line, courtesy of Planned Parenthood Rocky Mountains CEO Vicki Cowart: “We’ve seen an alarming increase in hateful rhetoric and smear campaigns against abortion providers and patients over the last few months. That environment breeds acts of violence. [People think] it’s okay to target Planned Parenthood.” What will the anti-abortion rank-and-file haters do about it? Hate louder. What will the anti-abortion conservative leadership do about it? Turn up the volume on their cricket machine.
P.S. President Obama, making yet another statement on a mass shooting, says that "we can't let this become normal." Well, when 90+ percent of Americans support new gun-safety measures but their elected representatives aren't willing to listen, there's only one thing left to say: welcome to the new normal.
CHEERS to crossing the finish line (with only a few gobs of seaweed up our nose). Southerners and East Coasters rejoice! As of today your 2015 Atlantic hurricane season is officially over. And they say this year…
...marks an unprecedented 10 years since a hurricane has hit the Sunshine State. But the lack of landfalls this year doesn’t mean there weren’t surprises, and a few tense moments. “This was a below average season, but not astonishingly below,” said Tim Hall, a hurricane researcher and senior scientist at NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies. “It’s just that the storms didn’t make a U.S. landfall.”
In all, there were 11 named storms in the Atlantic this season, four of which became hurricanes. The official National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration 2015 hurricane forecast called for a 90 percent chance of a below-average hurricane season. Its August predictions were for 6 to 10 named storms, 1-4 hurricanes and 0-1 major hurricanes. The average hurricane season has 12 named storms, 6 hurricanes and three major hurricanes.
The NOAA 2016 hurricane season forecast comes out next May. Other than blizzards, ice storms, tornadoes, nor'easters, mudslides, droughts and Republicans in Congress, we're all clear!
CHEERS to bulldogs with brains. Happy 141st birthday to Sir Winston Churchill. For all his faults, ya gotta admit: he kicked ass against the Crazy Corporal and Il Duce and remains one of the world's most steadfast crisis managers. Speaking of which, here's a li'l message on leadership for one of his successors (and, for that matter, a certain former U.S. president):
"Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events."
Translation: "Heckuva job, Mr. Blair." Pay your respects here. And marvel at how some people can smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, and eat like a pig...and still live to be 91. Neat trick.
RUH-ROH to the new kid in the quagmire. Okay, this kinda blows my mind: Germany is sending its mighty military on the march again. Chancellor Angela Merkel was convinced by none other than France to enter the fight against ISIS, and plans call for sending reconnaissance aircraft, a frigate, and over a thousand personnel to the Gulf of Whatever Gulf That Is Next to Syria. In response, ISIS dared Germany to bring it on, while Poland immediately donated a state-of-the-art GPS unit to Merkel as a gift to ensure that the Bundeswehr doesn’t take a wrong turn.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 30, 2005
CHEERS to breathing free in the Big Apple. New York City has added hybrid cars to its fleet of taxis and limousines. In fact, the city hopes to convert the entire fleet to hybrids within a few years. Now if they could just convert their drivers to sane.
And just one more…
CHEERS to "The true father of our national literature." That's how H.L. Mencken described the force of nature that was Samuel Langhorne Clemens, aka Mark Twain. If ever there was a person whose bullshit detector went to 11, it was him. Also in his corner: he was anti-slavery, pro-women's rights, clear-eyed about religion, and a supporter of labor unions. Damn funny, too. His zingers are endless---here's a few:
The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.
What, sir, would the people of this earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Today is Twain's 180th birthday. Pay your respects here. And then donate a few copies of, Huck Finn to your local library…just to piss off the book-ban-happy wingers.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Melinda Gates fell in love with Cheers and Jeers for its 'brilliant minds' and 'huge kiddie pool'
---Business Insider
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