Dear Naïve Children Spoily McSpoilersons Idealistic Morons Fellow Democrats,
It has come to our attention that a few of you have been wandering outside of our giant, multicultural, comfortable tent. This comes as a complete surprise to us, because we have done everything imaginable to keep you complacent open our hearts and minds to your concerns and build a corporate funded oligarchy nationwide coalition of status quo responsible Democrats. Which is why it's so troubling that a smattering of you would disobey exercise your personal choice in selecting a candidate stray so far afield when we’ve always been here for you. So now we need to talk.
Listen up you know-nothing college kids, aging hippies, OPOL, and amazingly large portions of the voting populace that are sick and fucking tired of a never-ending war machine and continuous cycle of oligarchs that step on your necks to keep us in power, we have a message for you: We Run This Shit. It’s ours. Our success has been bought and paid for, and we’ll change our views faster than a Kama Sutra flipbook in order to keep it that way. We might compromise our principles and our souls, but we pay our debts. Besides, Goldman Sachs has a lot of people from Blackwater working for them, and those muthafuckas are serious.
So viddy well, you smarmy little bastards. We have a really good thing going here at the DNC. We wait for a candidate with actual integrity to come along, adopt all of their positions during the primary, and turn our backs on the constituency once elected because, well, we already cashed the checks. Senator Obama was right in 2004 when he said there isn’t a Red or Blue America. There’s only a money fucking green America, and we have most of it. At least, on “our” side, we have most of it.
It’s time for you people to grow the hell up and face facts. No one is going to vote for some really, really, really old socialist Jew from a state that doesn’t even have a professional football team. Political revolution by raising awareness and the general collective consciousness of the American people goes over like a fart in church when facing a well-established...erm...establishment. Besides, you don’t want Ted Cruz or Mark Rubio picking the Supreme Court, do you? Because that’s literally the only valid reason you should abandon your principles during the primary. You know what? Go ahead and make your calls. Write your diaries. Talk to your friends and neighbors. Attend rallies. While you’re out there working your asses off, we’re still cashing checks and rigging both the media and the terms of the debates. Remember? We own this shit.
And we’re literally banking on Bernie Sanders losing the primary so you’ll become just as jaded as we are.
Best Wishes,
Hillary Clinton and the DNC*
* This message paid for by CitiGroup, Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan & Chase, DLA Piper, Time Warner, Morgan Stanley, and actual, responsible Americans that know when to shut the fuck up and hold their noses