From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
And thus began it thusly...
December 10, 2003. A Wednesday. 7:33pm. Shrouded in the New England darkness, a freakishly-handsome newbie blogger clasps his mouse with trembling fingers and clicks the "Post" button. In history's greatest act of technology FAIL, the blog accepts his diary: Cheers and Jeers: New Series.
This is followed by two comments: Nevsky42 at 7:38 and Bob Johnson at 7:50. While the Pulitzer committee routinely denies the newbie blogger his prize(s) due to---their words---"stalking," three years later the blogger is chosen Time magazine's Person of the Year. And the site at which the first C&J was posted? It becomes the #1 political community blog in the Outer Rim.
As my dozensquentennial blogiversary gift to you, below the fold is our traditional posting of the video-like* re-release of the very first Cheers and Jeers. It's been re-mastered, re-digitized and re-edited so that during the cantina scene Ben Carson stabs Greedo first. I've also added all-new commentary with myself, Bernie Sanders, Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli and Time's newest Person of the Year Angela Merkel. If you haven’t read the first C&J before, I bet your first thought will be, "Why didn’t this win a Polk Award, or at least a Chester Alan Arthur?" And I bet your second thought will be, "That was the dumbest first thought I've ever had in my life."
Although it's been said many times, many ways: thank you for reading and financially supporting my little rag for so many dozen of years. I appreciate it almost as much as I question your time-management skills.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
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*If you jiggle your screen around really fast it kinda looks videoish. C&J is not responsible for damage to monitors or internal components resulting from this, but it's really cool so try it!!
Here it is! The first-ever C&J from December 10, 2003, with exclusive commentary by Bill in Portland Maine, Senator Bernie Sanders, Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli and German Chancellor Angela Merkel:
Dispatch from THE GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Bill in Portland Maine: Hi, everybody! The first thing I should point out is the lack of our trademark "Swoosh!! Gong!!" That would start appearing later as a dig at Fox News's philosophy that if you can't get your facts right, you can at least distract your elderly viewers with REALLY LOUD SOUND EFFECTS!
Bernie Sanders: You know who's trying to distract us? The millionaires and billionaires who have concentrated our wealth into the hands of the one tenth of one fifth of one millionth of one percent.
Martin Shkreli: Thaaaaat's me!
Angela Merkel: In Germany ze translation for "Swoosh Gong" ist "Schpritzen Heidigverdichkeit!!!"
Cheer's and Jeers (with apologies...but not really...to TV Guide)
Bill in Portland Maine: If you look carefully you'll see C&J's very first punctuation error. I literally could not go eight words without messing up.
Bernie Sanders: What I see when I look carefully is a system that is rigged in favor of the rich at the expense of the middle class.
Martin Shkreli: Hey Gramps, you're harshin' my buzz. Keep it up and I'll buy whoever sells your Lipitor and start charging you twenty-grand a pill.
Angela Merkel: In Germany if you make a mistake the spellchecker reaches through the screen and slaps you. Mistakes are UN-acceptable! Und if you mention Volkswagen's mistake mit der tailpipes I vill strike you myself!
CHEERS to Howard Dean for his extraordinary Gore Score. The early endorsement is cherry on top of the whipped cream (union endorsements) on top of the ice cream (grassroots) on top of the cake (Dean). Extra points for upstaging Bush's Medicare sideshow during Monday/Tuesday press cycles.
Bill in Portland Maine: I found Daily Kos by following a link from Dean's blog not long before I posted the first C&J. That was the first campaign I participated in that really electrified me. Howard had me at "What I wanna know is…"
Bernie Sanders: What I wanna know is, who charges $750 per pill to AIDS patients for life-saving medication.
Martin Shkreli: You should try it sometime, pops. We all sit around laughing about it at Sunday Brunch at Balthazar---sometimes mimosas shoot out our nose!
Angela Merkel: Pipshkveek! You are nussing but a rude shmirking pipshkveek!
JEERS to the Medicare bill. Democrats asleep at the wheel while Nero (Bush) fiddles. This turkey's as fake as the one in Baghdad mess hall.
Bill in Portland Maine: Ahh…the fake turkey. And the Medicare bill was the one where the chief actuary was threatened with his job by the Bushies if he revealed that it was basically a textbook case of deficit spending, plus it had a big gaping hole in it that Obamacare had to plug. Oh, and my play on the word "turkey" was pretty nimble, I thought.
Bernie Sanders: You know what's a turkey? That last Transformers movie. I did not care for it almost as much as I don’t care for more tax cuts for the rich.
Martin Shkreli: I should buy a movie theater chain and charge 800 bucks a ticket.
Angela Merkel: They're already charging that much for popcorn. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
CHEERS to John Edwards. Doogie Howser is coming into his own as thoughtful VP possibility. Newsweek column on jury system shows real compassion, pragmatism.
Bill in Portland Maine: [Silence]
Bernie Sanders: [Silence]
Martin Shkreli: [Silence]
Angela Merkel: [Snork!]
JEERS to Joe Lieberman. Credible rumor now pegs his camp as source of Monday's Dean/Gore leak. Were sour grapes pouting all an act?
Bill in Portland Maine: So what happened was, Gore told Lieberman in confidence---as a courtesy because they shared the Democratic ticket in 2000---that he was endorsing Dean and not Lieberman for president. Lieberman then leaked the story to the press so he could steal Dean's thunder as a way of getting back at Gore. Not his biggest asshole moment, but it's probably in the top ten.
Bernie Sanders: Top five.
Martin Shkreli: Hey! I just won the Wu-Tang Clan's new album at auction for two-million bucks!
Angela Merkel: Hey! I just won Time's Person of the Year for free! Silly American.
JEERS to Alfred E. Koppel. Gives candidates not named Dean chance to blast Guv at point blank range in NH debate. All those who think he acted like a total dumbass, raise your hand.
CHEERS to Dennis Kucinich for Ted Koppel slapdown. No wonder the broads battle axes are coming out of the woodwork for this Ohio hottie (but can they go vegan?)
CHEERS to Carol Moseley Braun, for opting out of the Dean bloodbath at debate. Classy broad battle axe, don'tcha know.
Bill in Portland Maine: For this anniversary post, we edited out an insensitive term for women and replaced it with a more appropriate and updated term. As for the debate: Koppel asked the candidates to "raise your hand if you believe that Dean can beat Bush." Kucinich then said something to Koppel like, "Some of the best talent in American politics is on this stage right now, so screw you."
Bernie Sanders: You know who's screwing people? The millionaires and billionaires are screwing the middle class and taking this country in the wrong direction. We need new leadership, and….
Martin Shkreli: Would you mind if I stuck a sock in your mouth?
Angela Merkel: Vould you mind if Herr Sanders and I dangle you from a vindow and make you skveel like a Black Forest vild boar in heat?
JEERS to Dick "Elmer Fudd" Cheney. Slaughters 70 pre-caught game birds on "hunting" expedition. As if we needed more proof that his heart was removed long ago...
Bill in Portland Maine: Then he got tired of shooting helpless birds in the ass and moved on to shooting helpless lawyers in the face.
Bernie Sanders: I shook hands with Cheney once. You could never quite grasp his hand. It was like it was passing through his, but he pulled his hand back before you could get a chance to test your hypothesis that you were shaking hands with a hologram. I swear he flickered once or twice.
Martin Shkreli: Hello, Balthazar? I need to reschedule brunch. I'm in a room with a couple windbags who won't shut up.
Angela Merkel: Right. Herr Sanders, you grab his left leg, I'll grab his right. Wilhelm, please open der vindow.
CHEERS to Supremes for upholding parts of McCain/Feingold bill. Sure it's a Band-Aid, but at least now it's got some real stick to it.
Bill in Portland Maine: No idea what that was about, but…rah rah whatever. I'm glad Russ is going to wipe the floor with Ron Johnson next year and become a senator again.
Bernie Sanders: I must admit, ladies and gentlemen, that dangling a pompous price-gouging multimillionaire jerk from a window by his ankles is oddly satisfying.
Martin Shkreli: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!! Stop stop stop!!! Let me up!!!
Angela Merkel: First you must say ze magic word.
CHEERS and a fond farewell to Senator Paul Simon. Some of the current occupants of The Chamber could take a lesson or two from him...but they're too dumb. Memo to Smithsonian: snag one of those bow ties!
Bill in Portland Maine: I always liked Paul Simon. Just an all-around good guy.
Bernie Sanders: Say the magic word, Shkreli! Say it!
Martin Shkreli: What's the magic word??? I don’t know the magic word!!!!
Angela Merkel: Ze magic word is Rindfleischetikettierungs-überwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz. Say it, you petulant Junge!
JEERS to George W. Bush's "spontaneous" appearance during Larry King Live show. Walk-on during end of Laura interview reveals hopelessly inarticulate boob. No Red Ryder BB gun for you, pal, until you learn how to say "Merry Christmas" without gritting your teeth.
Bill in Portland Maine: You can check the transcript: George W. Bush actually told Larry King that his wife Laura's decorating was "a heck of a good job." Ouch. What a dry drunk.
Bernie Sanders: My arm's getting tired, Chancellor.
Martin Shkreli: …..gsüberwachungsaufgabe…. Wait, how's that go again???
Angela Merkel: Let's pull ze sissy baby inside, Bernie. I alvays feel sorry ven people pee zer pants.
CHEERS to Al Gore for showing true cojones in Dean nod. Veep understands that the only way to break out of Democratic party complacency is to shake, shake, SHAKE things up. Beltway bluster proves he's right on.
Bill in Portland Maine: Gore was right---and god bless him for seeing enough potential of the grassroots and even the budding netroots to turbo-charge it. I shook his hand once. It was sweaty. That's a sign of high brain activity.
Bernie Sanders: Grassroots and netroots power is alive today as well, which is why America is feelin' the Bern!
Martin Shkreli: You fuckers dangled me from a window…and you think I'M the crazy one???
Angela Merkel: We're on the first floor, schweinhundt. Ach, I can't believe you Americans defeated our Hessians in Trenton.
CHEERS to the Maine lobster industry. Another banner year is good year for butter industry. And bib makers!
Bill in Portland Maine: We now have so many lobsters off the coast of Maine that pretty soon they'll be demanding their own representation in the legislature. And then it's just a matter of time before they introduce Crustaceancare. Fucking socialists.
Bernie Sanders: I heard that! Angela, grab his ankles!
Martin Shkreli: Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
Angela Merkel: Viss pleasure!
Developing...
Bill in Portland Maine I added that word at the end of the first few columns as a little dig at Drudge. Which reminds me of a funny story. Back in 1987...
Bernie Sanders: Goodbye. [ker-SLAM!!!]
Martin Shkreli: I'm outta here. [ker-SLAM!!!]
Angela Merkel: Und aufwiedersehen. [ker-SLAM!!!]
Bill in Portland Maine: Well....I guess it can wait 'til next year.
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