As we approach the third anniversary of the horrific Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, I need to take a moment and recollect my thoughts, my mentality that day, and the aftermath. Sadly, this is a day I will never forget. Everyone practically remembers where they were when certain tragedies hit us. Everyone remembers where they were on 9/11. Everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing when Elvis died. For me, the events that took place at Sandy Hook is a tragedy I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing.
I was in my junior year at Penn State University, studying for my finals week at the Life Sciences building basement. I remember looking over structures involved in neuron action potentials for my Neurobiology class. After an hour of studying, I decided to take a break, walk around, and peruse my Twitter. Looking through my Twitter, I saw retweeted news reports. “Elementary School Shooting in Newtown Connecticut”, “Active Shooting Reported at Sandy Hook Elementary School.” I thought to myself, “Shit.” I went back to my studying, or at least I attempted to. For 45 minutes, I remember my mind jumping between the events at Newtown and neural glial cell function. Realizing I was not going to be focusing anytime soon, I decided to tune into the news reports. “Suspect in custody, Ryan Lanza.” “20 children, 6 administrators dead.” “Principal tried stopping the gunman.” I saw the aftermath, the photos of children who had survived the attack, hugging their crying parents. I saw the police cars blaring, their lights flashing. The report came in “Shooter Adam Lanza Commits Suicide.” My thoughts, however, were not with him, but rather at what just occurred. Realizing I couldn’t focus, I just closed my book and decided to get some coffee on the bridge connecting the Life Sciences Building and Chemistry building.
I sat down on the chairs overlooking the view of my campus. Why? I kept asking myself. What could have possibly motivated this evil? How could someone be so deranged as to shoot a school full of children? Children. Children who are just learning the ABCs. Children who are just learning how to add 2+2. Children who are just learning and getting a start on life. Children. Having baby cousins and younger cousins, I know what it feels like to have a child embrace you. It’s nothing short of vitality and energy. It’s nothing short of warmth and pure happiness, and genuine. I just didn’t know what the hell to think. All I knew was there were 20 families whose days got darker. 20 families who would never hear their child laugh. 20 children who would never open the Christmas presents their parents were hiding from them to give to them on Christmas day under the name of Santa Claus. 20 children who would never go to college. Children. There was just no reason for this...none. I just sat there, watching as the snow dusted the sidewalks of my campus, staring. No thoughts, no words. I couldn’t study for the rest of the day. I walked back sullenly to my apartment, not speaking to anyone, sat on my couch and just asked myself the burning question. Why? I tried finding comfort in my faith but I just couldn’t. I tried getting my mind off the events of the day by resuming my daily activities, but I just couldn’t. My thoughts were with the kids and the administrators that were taken from us that day. My thoughts kept reverting back to the images of the children embracing their crying parents. I may not be a parent, but I know how much it stings to be close to death and how the uncertainty is agonizing. While I may not have known any of those kids or adults that bravely stood by to protect them, I still consider it (to this day) one of the darkest days of my life.
Here we are, 3 years later. I’ve grown a lot in the last three years. I can’t say I’m the same person, because I’m not. I’ve grown more cynical. Maybe cynical isn’t the right word...realistic? Realistic in the sense that I realize the world is a dark and ugly place. My hands are trembling as I type this. The question of Why? still lingers. 3 years later and many more senseless deaths at the hands of gun violence. How many more? How many more lives have to be lost to evil? How many more Sandy Hooks will there be because we refuse to take action? How many more bedrooms of children will be empty and hollow because we refuse to take sensible action (i.e. closing background check loopholes, stopping the straw purchasing, etc.)? While I am respectful of the Second Amendment, I sometimes wonder: do we, as a nation, truly value our right to own a firearm more than the lives of innocent people? I’m somewhat afraid to learn the answer to that, but I think I already know it.