From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
If there was one thread that wound its way through January, February, March and April of this year, it was this: the 2016 election is slightly less than a year away and we haven't a thing to wear! Candidates started throwing their billionaire benefactor's hats in the ring, Super PACs started hoovering up the cash, and the punditry dissected every shiny object thrown in their path for tone, optics and what it all means.
Plus: Republican, Israeli and Iranian hardliners formed a warm and loving bond as they pinky-swore to do everything they could to derail the multi-nation nuclear effort to stop Iran's nuclear weapons program...Loretta Lynch was finally confirmed as Attorney General…ISIS took its horror show on the road…the netroots won big on net neutrality…black lives continued to not matter as much to the police as white lives…and a mailman made a special delivery to Capitol Hill in a gyrocopter.
C&J kept tabs on the last 12 months, and below the fold is the first of our three-part series called 2015: What A Bunch of Jiggery-Pokery. It's a pastiche of newsy bits, gobsmacking stats, amazing pics by White House photographer Pete Souza, and the best of late-night snark. By the time you finish, you'll feel like you did when you started, except some time will have passed.
Your wormhole to the past opens up below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
Note: Part 2 and 3 of our 2015 flashback series will appear here tomorrow and Thursday morning. Someone please notify the Pulitzer committee so they can plan to sleep in. ---Mgt.
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Puppy pic of the day: Back from the dead...
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C&J 2015 Flashback: January
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Congress members new and old return to Washington to kick off the 114th session (now under complete Republican control), followed by 23 months of behavior that would get any three-year-old child kicked out of daycare.
Senator Harry Reid recovers from broken ribs and facial bones he suffers while using a piece of exercise equipment that snaps. The good news is he doesn't break his lower leg bone, thus avoiding a protracted fibulabuster.
Hopes for a nuclear arms deal with Iran look promising. Among the provisions being discussed: moving excess uranium out of the country, greater access for inspections, and requiring Iran to turn half of their centrifuges into Tilt-a-Whirls.
By the Numbers
After six years in office, 37% of Kossacks in a C&J poll give President Obama an A. 47% give him a B.
Years since consumer confidence has been as high as it is today: 7
The last time our crude oil imports were as low as they are today: 1994
Drop in prescription drug abuse among high school seniors in the last ten years: 35%
Percent of Republican women and men, respectively, who hope a woman is elected president in their lifetime, according to a Pew poll: 20%, 16%
Percent of capacity at which the water level at Sao Paulo's largest reservoir sits halfway through the rainy season: 6%
Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is sentenced to two years in prison. The judge toys with letting him off with community service, but there's a snag: no community wants him.
A thought that brings comfort to Americans in these dark times: Michele Bachmann is no longer on the Intelligence Committee. Or in Congress.
During his first term, Maine Governor Paul LePage ran on tax cuts for the rich and welfare cuts for the poor. He got both. Now he announces a bold new agenda for his second term: tax cuts for the rich and welfare cuts for the poor.
Artists, writers and editors from French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo are murdered in Paris by ISIS. The shock slowly wears off, police nab the suspects, life returns to the new normal and then sometime somewhere it all happens again and again, thus explaining why intelligent beings from other solar systems never visit ours.
After it’s revealed that the earth will get an extra "leap second" this year, fighting breaks out between House and Senate Republicans over whether they should spend it repealing Obamacare or Dodd-Frank.
President Obama's State of the Union address has confidence, optimism, and just the right amount of tough running through it. Republican reaction is predictable:
Obama: "To everyone in this Congress who still refuses to raise the minimum wage, I say this: If you truly believe you could work full-time and support a family on less than $15,000 a year, go try it."
Republicans: "It's not that we don't know you can't live on that. It's that we don’t care."
Obama: "We still may not agree on a woman’s right to choose, but surely we can agree it’s a good thing that teen pregnancies and abortions are nearing all-time lows, and that every woman should have access to the health care she needs."
Republicans: "All your hoohaws belong to us."
Obama: "And I make this solemn promise to America tonight: Ted Cruz will never deliver a State of the Union Address."
Everyone: [15 minute standing ovation]
King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al Saud of Saudi Arabia dies from an acute case of being 90 and is replaced by his 80 year-old half brother, Salman bin Abdulaziz. When asked how he plans to govern, Salman says, "Eh, we'll take it one beheading at a time."
NOAA releases its annual Global Climate Monitoring Report. Conclusion: NOBETTER.
Late Night Snark
"Herpes: it's like Congress on your dick."
---Jon Stewart
"The Obamas invited 22 guests to the [State of the Union], including a former Cuban prisoner, an astronaut, and a doctor. Either that or he was setting up the weirdest bar joke of all time."
---Jimmy Fallon
"A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination."
---Conan O'Brien
"It was announced that Idina Menzel will sing the National Anthem at this year's Super Bowl. Then she'll sing Let It Go as a tribute to the NFL's domestic violence policy."
---Colin Jost, SNL
A recreational drone sails over the White House fence and crashes on the lawn. A lowly government worker steps forward to claim responsibility for the accident. Moments later, Joe Biden discreetly hands him a C-note and slips out of sight.
At a senate Armed Forces Committee hearing, Senator John McCain, shouts at some Code Pink protesters: "Get out of here, you lowlife scum!" Less publicized are the words he shouts immediately after: "No, not you, Senator Cruz."
Charles Townes, the guy who invented the laser, dies at 99. He leaves behind family, friends, and a lot of sad James Bond villains.
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February
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Maine gets its annual "state of the state" address by Teapublican governor Paul LePage. The words that earn him the longest standing ovation: "In conclusion..."
German chancellor Angela Merkel joins President Obama at the White House. In a sign of friendship, both promise to tell their spy agencies to quit eavesdropping on their private conversations. This is immediately followed by some sort of strange winking ritual.
The guy who co-invented the Pill dies at 91. In his honor, all orgasms are lowered to half intensity.
By the Numbers
Percent of office workers who still go to work when they're sick: 60%
Percent of store-brand dietary supplements sold at Wal-Mart that contain the ingredients listed on the labels: 4%
Percent by which the un-popped popcorn kernel rate has dropped since 1950: 75%
Projected ACA signups as of February 28: 12.45 million
Number of people who watch the Patriots win Super Bowl XXXVVVIIII: 114.4 million
Number of registered users at Daily Kos: 1,252,320
President Obama travels to Stanford to announce his plans for dealing with cybersecurity. Republicans immediately denounce his plan and offer their own plan: cybervouchers.
Gay couples in Alabama start getting marriage licenses. The happy couples will now get down to the business of destroying the institution of marriage by working for a living, raising kids, going to church, volunteering, supporting their local economy, watching TV, eating too much chocolate, paying bills and pursuing happiness.
Singer Meghan Trainor is sued for treble discrimination in wake of her public insistence that "It's all about that bass."
NASA's DSCOVR satellite soars into orbit to begin its mission of tracking "solar activity." Public interest in the project remains low until the agency renames it "sun farts."
The DNC announces that the 2016 Democratic National Convention will be in Philadelphia. Republicans, meanwhile, will have their convention in Cleveland, where they'll relive a feel-good moment of yore by setting the Cuyahoga River on fire.
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says she'll leave the bench when she feels like she's slipping. Within minutes, Democratic crowdfunders raise a million dollars for sturdy rubber-soled shoes and Republican crowdfunders raise a million dollars for banana peels.
Late Night Snark
Sarah Palin speaking at the Freedom Summit in Iowa: We can afford no retread or nothing will change with the same people and same policies that got us into the status quo, another Latin word, status quo, and it stands for, man, the middle-class and the Americans are really gettin' taken for a ride.
Jon Stewart: Y'know, that's the kind of talk you normally hear right before the pharmacist says, "Ma'am, you've got to leave the Walgreens."
---The Daily Show
"SkyMall is going out of business. SkyMall was the premier shopping destination for people who just drank four tiny bottles of Jim Beam."
---Jimmy Kimmel
"The East Coast is experiencing one of the worst winters in history. Schools have had a record number of snow days. The only math kids are doing is how many glasses of wine their mom drinks before 2 p.m."
---Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, 'He sure sounds presidentiary to me.'"
---Conan O'Brien
Walmart bumps its minimum wage up to $9 an hour, allowing entry-level workers to rise to the upper crust of the poverty elite.
Wisconsin Governor and likely 2016 contender Scott Walker says he has no way of knowing whether or not President Obama is a Christian. If elected to the White House, he’ll become the first president of the 21st century to not know how Google works.
Tom Wheeler and his fellow Democrats at the FCC vote in favor of net neutrality. So now instead of offering crappy service at ridiculous rates that make them huge profits, telcos will have to adjust to offering crappy service at ridiculous rates that make them huge profits.
Leonard Nimoy dies at 83. He lived long and prospered. We should all be so lucky.
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March
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Republicans heave two centuries of diplomatic protocol over the balcony by inviting Israeli neocon Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to give a speech to a joint session of Congress to help derail U.S. peace talks with Iran. He claims that time has run out, the fuse is lit, the evildoers are evildoing, and the smoking gun looks like a mushroom cloud. So, basically, George W. Bush with better grammar and just as much credibility.
At the annual CPAC convention, Rand Paul wins the straw poll, which is weird, because if his followers were proper libertarians, they would've all voted for themselves. During the event, every speaker explodes in rage over what a hopeless cesspool America is, and then closes with "God bless this exceptional nation of ours."
Harrison Ford crashes his W.W. II-era plane onto a golf course and makes a complete recovery. Authorities finish their preliminary investigation and agree: Worst. Kessel. Run. Ever.
By the Numbers:
Percentage of countries worldwide in which girls outperform boys in academic achievement: 70%
Percent of American adults who have never sent an email: 9%
Percent of American households that have a gun, the lowest level on record: 32%
Drop in the cost of rooftop solar panel systems since 2008: 80%
Percent chance Americans are "turning away from organized religion in record numbers" according to a Public Religion Research Institute study: 100%
Number of Green News and Views environmental roundups Meteor Blades has compiled over the last 9 years at Daily Kos: 350
With the Edumnd Pettis Bridge looming in the background, the 50th anniversary commemoration of "Bloody Sunday" takes place in Selma, Alabama. The rousing speeches by top Republican leaders John Boehner and Mitch McConnell calling for an immediate strengthening of voting-rights laws take up zero words since they're not there.
The new Apple Watch is unveiled. The device takes pictures, shoots video, orders takeout, shows you how to get somewhere, monitors your pulse, plays your favorite music, coordinates your social calendar, shows movies, jump-starts your car, alerts you to nearby Orcs by glowing blue, translates languages, makes julienne fries and tracks your finances. If sales go well, the next version will also tell you the time.
The mystery of Vladimir Putin's lengthy absence from public view is solved when the Russian leader is found under a drunk Secret Service agent's Buick LeSabre in Wichita. This turns out to be one of the month's weirder stories.
Elections are held in Israel. Just before midnight, Karl Rove calls Ohio for Netanyahu.
Young, handsome Jet-setting Congressman Aaron Schock (R-IL) resigns in disgrace for mishandling taxpayer money. During his farewell address on the House floor, he compares himself to Abraham Lincoln, recites a perfunctory Bible quote, and then promises to stay in touch with all his friends in Washington, which by this point are limited to “Fido” and “Kitty.”
Late Night Snark
"Today during his speech in Washington, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu repeatedly referred to Congress as 'my friends.' It was a move that had many in Congress Googling the word 'friend.'"
---Seth Meyers
"Florida's governor wants to ban the phrase 'climate change.' Sorry, Republicans, but just like the phrase 'black president,' you can't just wish it away."
---Larry Wilmore
"Eighteen states have passed or proposed 'religious freedom' laws to protect the real victims of discrimination: Christian florists, who gladly do business with all manner of divorced, non-mother-and-father-honoring, covetous, name-of-the-Lord-in-vain-taking adulterers, but whose damnation conveniently hinges only on the gay-marriage boutonnière business."
---Jon Stewart
"This new Congress is just getting started, which is why I want to acknowledge the leader of the House Republicans---as soon as I figure out who that is."
---President Obama at the Gridiron Dinner
Hillary Clinton says she wants adults to go to camps to overcome America's "deficit of fun." Conservatives go ballistic, although for different reasons. The conspiracy theorists freak out because she’s promoting "camps" and the evangelical puritans freak out because she’s promoting "fun."
One of the original members of One Direction leaves the group. He's replaced by Shemp.
Astronaut Scott Kelly travels to the International Space Station for a one-year experiment to test the limits of the human body and mind in an unforgiving, cold and airless environment. Deficit hawks say he could've saved a lot of money by simply attending tea party caucus meetings.
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April
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Iraqi Prime Minister al-Abadi travels to Tikrit and raises the Iraqi flag to celebrate his army's defeat of ISIS there. He stops short of putting up a Mission Accomplished banner because, "Only a total freaking idiot would do that."
The CERN Giant Hadron Collidor starts back up. Researchers say their goal is to spend time probing what they call the "dark universe." It's something that's only been previously achieved by ringing the Koch brothers' doorbell.
Rand Paul announces that he's running for President. The Washington insider says he plans to run as a Washington outsider, and as a libertarian-Republican he's guaranteed to piss everybody off at least half the time.
By the Numbers
Estimated number of people born before 1900 who are still alive: 4
Factor by which solar energy production has increased since President Obama took office: 20x
Percent of Americans who now have health insurance: 90%
Average monthly apartment rent in the U.S.: $1,219
Rank of Switzerland, Iceland and Denmark on the latest list of happiest countries among 158 surveyed: #1, #2, #3
Rank of the U.S., one notch below Mexico: #15
The Duke Blue Devils are crowned the NCAA men's basketball champs after their 68-63 win over Wisconsin. To be fair, Governor Scott Walker's budget cuts meant only two Badgers could be on the court at one time.
Election results in Ferguson, Missouri: turnout is more than double the previous municipal election, and now African-Americans occupy half the seats. Meanwhile Rahm Emanuel wins reelection as Chicago's mayor. He announces an aggressive second-term agenda of hope and prosperity and kicks it off the following day by taking revenge on his enemies.
President Obama travels to Jamaica. On his agenda: a meeting with Raul Castro. Both agree it's important to meet face to face so as to resolve important questions such as, "How do we thaw our relations responsibly" and "Which Republican's head will pop off his body first when he sees us shaking hands?"
HILLARY marco CLINTON rubio ENTERS enters THE the PRESIDENTIAL presidential RACE race.
America's conservative punditry issues a joint statement of apology after they realize they've gone a full day without comparing transgender and gay people to Hitler and/or Satan.
A mailman in a gyrocopter lands on the lawn in front of the U.S. Capitol, followed by the capitol police standing around pointing at the machine and shrugging. When asked why nothing was done to bring down the tiny craft sooner, a Homeland Security spokesman says that, due to budget cuts, they don’t bring their fly swatters out of storage until May.
Fox News openly wonders if we should bring back literacy tests during elections so we don’t have a bunch of dense, ignorant, fact-averse truthiness trolls voting on the critical issues and candidates of the day. Which brings up a serious question: why does Fox want to prevent its viewers from voting?
Late Night Snark
"Rand Paul announced that he's running for president, and his slogan will be, 'Defeat the Washington machine, unleash the American dream.' Which is a lot better than Jeb Bush's slogan: 'Buy two Bushes, get one free.'"
---Michael Che, SNL
"The ubiquity of cell phones is far outpacing police awareness of the ubiquity of cell phones."
---Jon Stewart
"Utah might bring back firing squads, combining two things America has an abundance of: guns and bad ideas."
---Larry Wilmore
"Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend the same-sex wedding of a friend or loved one, to which gays and lesbians across the country responded: 'That's not going to be a problem.'"
---President Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner
The Pulitzer Prizes are announced. One of the finalists in Editorial Cartooning is Dan Perkins, aka Tom Tomorrow who posts at Daily Kos. The top prize in fiction goes to All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr, who barely edges out the Republican budget and Bill O'Reilly's My Life In A War Zone.
After Loretta Lynch is confirmed as our new Attorney General, Eric Holder gives his final farewell speech, saying "I'm going to miss you. I am going to miss this building. I am going to miss this institution. More than anything, I am going to miss you all." He adds: "Especially you, Scarecrow. And my stapler. And this lamp. I love lamp!!!" In case it needs to be said, there's an open bar.
Hillary Clinton gets a challenger: Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. The people he'll rattle most are those in the Republican field. Because when he puts on a pair of designer shades and starts talkin', he's gonna make socialism look goooood.
Tomorrow: The thrilling middle part!
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