According to the CDC (Center for Democratic Control), there is an epidemic of Bernie Fever sweeping the nation. Experts say this is a particularly contagious strain of fever that can even be spread online. However, recent studies have found that face-to-face contact with Bernie Fever carriers has an even greater rate of transmittal. There are concerns that the 1600+ Bernie meetings scheduled for July 29th will signal a turning point for the fever and, should this happen, there may be no way to control the spread.
This is a new situation for the United States and it's imperative that all citizens be aware of the causes and symptoms. It is also important to note that, while most people have a positive response to the fever, there are a few cellular systems that experience an extreme negative reaction. It is important to know how to deal with these outliers as the incorrect response has been known to result in exploding heads.
Bernie Fever Causes:
1. The most likely cause of Bernie Fever is the very real possibility of getting to elect a candidate who is not owned by big business. While current and previous candidates have touted their commitment to the "working man," Senator Bernie Sanders, the original source of the outbreak, has actually supported his words with action and votes.
2. The most common secondary cause of fever is relief. This may seem odd, considering those infected have a higher than normal heart rate and enthusiasm level, but a closer look at the situation at the time of outbreak indicates that many fever carriers are also responding to simply having another viable option. For many years, it was believed that only the Hillary Rash would be a significant issue in 2016. While few people actually wanted to contract the rash, many assumed the itching was inevitable. It does appear, however, that the Bernie fever is an effective antidote to the Hillary Rash.
3. Some Fever sufferers have contracted the Bern through their close contact with feminism. It was initially believe that feminists were immune to the Bern, however, it was recently discovered that feminists may actually be more susceptible. Apparently, Bernie Fever is contracted through a belief in the equality of all humans and the recognition that one man has been fighting for this equality for over 40 years.
4. Other Fever causes include, but are not limited to: passion for the environment, frustration with income inequality, believing in a woman's right to choose, knowing that too big too fail is too big to exist, supporting college accessibility, favoring single payer healthcare, opposing TPP, and a fondness for real talk on the issues.
Bernie Fever Symptoms:
1. Waking up in the middle of the night to write diaries about the Fever.
2. An uncontrollable urge to recommend every positive Bernie Sanders diary (The CDC suggests that Fever carriers not recommend more than 300 Bernie diaries per day).
3. Bafflement when encountering some Hillary Rash carriers.
4. Walking up to complete strangers to discuss how they too can get the Fever.
5. Adorning your body and belongings with "gang like" apparel and stickers.
6. Walking around muttering, "go Bernie, go Bernie, go Bernie."
7. Renaming your pet Bernie.
8. Shortness of breath when you realize that there are less than 500 days left in the campaign and feeling like you can't rest until the job is done.
9. Vivid dreams of a better world for yourself and your offspring (should you choose to have some).
10. Changing your official political affiliation from "Whoever sucks less" to "Bernie Fucking Sanders".
The CDC is aware that more and more symptoms are reported everyday. Please continue to stay abreast of breaking Fever alerts.
NOTE: Some citizens are immune to Bernie Fever. It appears that those people who depend on FOX news for information have a high rate of immunity. However, the CDC strongly advises avoiding this particular inoculation due to its high rate of adverse side effects like brain rot, bigotry, and ignorance.
WARNING: When some Bernie Fever sufferers encounter Hillary Rash carriers, there is a strong possibility of misunderstanding, frustration, and even cussing. It appears that even normally civilized folk may become more aggressive when they encounter their opposing disease. This is usually a temporary condition that can be eliminated with empathy, patience, and the realization that we are all, in the end, on the same side. If those things don't work, just remember that both fever and rash season will end November 2016.