From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Handy Universal Post-Iowa Reaction Helpsheet
In case you just don’t have the words, C&J is here to help...
[Hooray!] [Dammit!] [Meh.] My candidate [won] [lost] the Iowa caucus last night, and I am so [thrilled] [pissed] [zen] about it I could [kiss a wookie] [chew through drywall] [go back to bed].
Even though the deciding factor was [turnout] [turnout] [turnout], you can’t ignore the impact of [visiting all 99 counties] [appearing to enjoy wolfing down greasy diner food five times a day] [promising to award the Iowa State Fair butter cow a Medal of Freedom from the Oval Office] in the final tally.
Meanwhile the Republican contest was absolutely [batshit] [synonym for batshit] [another synonym for batshit]. I mean, seriously---holy [cow] [mother of God] [cheese ‘n rice], they really settled on [him] [her] [that]?!! Good luck in the general with your views on gutting [Social Security] [Medicare] [Obamacare] [women’s rights] [voting rights] [LGBT rights] [minority rights] [environmental laws] [consumer protections] [all of the above], ya big jerk.
As usual, the media was of [big help] [little help] [no help] in the run-up to the caucus, and the [most] [least] insightful lesson I learned from their [polling] [pundit roundtable] [chicken-innards reading] analysis was ["Whoever’s ahead will be in the lead"] ["The candidates are playing to win"] ["This is excellent news for John McCain"].
Next stop: the New Hampshire primary. I [can’t wait] [can wait] [would like you to please pass me the bong].
For what it’s worth, that was my reaction, too.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Note: This note is part of the establishment, so don’t give it any oxygen by reading it. Thank you.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Daylight Saving Time kicks in: 40
Days 'til the Mid-Atlantic Jazz Festival in Rockville, Maryland: 10
GDP during the fourth quarter of 2015: 0.7%
Increase in wages and benefits over the last year, according to the Labor Dept.: 2%
Amount Senate Democrats in D.C. are demanding to help address the Flint, Michigan lead-poisoning crisis: $400 million
Percent chance that “there’s no doubt” the Flint crisis would’ve been fixed immediately if the city was “a wealthy white community,” according to Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI): 100%
Age of ISIS supporter Sevdet Besim, who is now on trial in Australia for plotting to pack a kangaroo full of explosives and turn it loose on police: 19
-
Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Fox Nation commenters opine on the capture of domestic terrorist Ammon Bundy:
Here we go!! Get your guns people. The REVOLUTION has started.
NSA IS OBSERVING US IN THIS FORUM. THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO PRESERVE THEIR POWER OVER " WE THE PEOPLE"
Federal terrorists 1 Patriots 0
Will Ammon Bundy be allowed to take the dildos with him to prison? Guess he can always smuggle at least one in.
All together now: 1…2…3… Classy!
-
Puppy Pic of the Day:
If I were this dog I’d sue for emotional distress...
-
CHEERS to February! For the shortest month, it sure packs a lot of goodies in it. Highlights: Black History Month, more daylight, Super Bowl Sunday, Waitangi Day in New Zealand, Heritage Day in Canada, the Chinese New Year (of the monkey this time around---and the punchlines will write themselves), Valentine's Day, Cordova Ice Worm Day, Mardi Gras, George & Abe's awesome mattress sale, Charles Dickens Day, the Oscars (wear sunglasses so you don't get blinded by the white), Create A Vacuum Day (chaired this year by Donald Trump because he's #1 at suckage), full moon on the 22nd, a new Coen Brothers movie (Hail Caesar!) and Zoolander 2!!!! Plus: this year everybody gets 24 extra hours absolutely FREE. Thanks Obama!
CHEERS to Lord of the Flies among the cornfields. All eyes were on Iowa last night for the quadrennial running of the bulls presidential caucuses. It's an exciting ritual whereby two sides representing competing candidates shout "We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit HOW 'BOUT YOU!" until one side drops dead from dehydration. It was preceded for months by a combination of staged media events, wild-eyed speculation, the framing of a perfectly lovely state as a bunch of backwoods yokels sitting in greasy diners watching their beards grow, and results based on a whopping ten percent of the state's voters bestowing bragging rights on a Democrat (Clinton!) and a Republican (Cruz!) And now, the day after, Iowa's media outlets are neck-deep in campaign-ad revenue, the circus is gone, and things can get back to normal. Last member of the lamestream media to leave, please turn out the klieg lights.
CHEERS to bold leadership. Sixty-eight years ago today, in 1948, Democrat Harry Truman urged Congress to adopt recommendations by a presidential commission on civil rights. It's almost breathtaking in scope. He ended his message to Congress with this, a statement that resonates just as loudly today:
[W]e must protect our civil rights so that by providing all our people with the maximum enjoyment of personal freedom and personal opportunity we shall be a stronger nation---stronger in our leadership, stronger in our moral position, stronger in the deeper satisfactions of a united citizenry.
We know that our democracy is not perfect. But we do know that it offers freer, happier life to our people than any totalitarian nation has ever offered.
If we wish to inspire the peoples of the world whose freedom is in jeopardy, if we wish to restore hope to those who have already lost their civil liberties, if we wish to fulfill the promise that is ours, we must correct the remaining imperfections in our practice of democracy.
We know the way. We need only the will.
Oh...did I mention he's a Democrat?
-
-
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Kossack front-pager Kerry Eleveld asks, “Ben Carson: loser or martyr?”
Loser.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
-
-
JEERS to the chief executive of the pity party. Maine governor Paul LePage is tired of everyone getting on his shit just because he lies, blackmails, screws up, makes racist and misogynist pronouncements, calls for violence against minorities and abuses poor people in favor of the rich. And because everyone's being so mean to him, he's refusing to give a state of the state speech this year, opting instead to deliver a letter. But I’m not sure he got the reaction he wanted. As soon as the news was delivered to the state house, Maine's representatives and Senators gave the longest standing ovation in the history of the legislature.
JEERS to weapons of mass annoyance. On February 2, 1991, during the Gulf War that a Bush actually won, Iraq fired Scud missiles at Israel and Saudi Arabia. Today school children read about it in their textbooks as the Battle of Yes Saddam Hussein Was That Dumb.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: February 2, 2006
JEERS to losing another ally. Coretta Scott King has died at 78. Her words eclipse anything we could think of:
"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated."
"I believe all Americans who believe in freedom, tolerance and human rights have a responsibility to oppose bigotry and prejudice based on sexual orientation."
"Women, if the soul of the nation is to be saved, I believe that you must become its soul."
Oh yes yes yes to that one. Now go on and be with your husband---I expect you've got a LOT of catching up to do.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to furry fortunetellers. If this morning feels like yesterday morning, Surprise!!! It's Groundhog Day! Let's take a spin and find out how the rodents did this morning:
Shubenacadie Sam (Nova Scotia): Early spring
Staten Island Chuck: Early spring
Dunkirk Dave (Dunkirk, NY): Early spring
General Beauregard Lee (Lilburn, GA): Early spring
Punxsutawney Phil: At Gobblers Knob, PA, the official groundhog predicts an early spring.
Wiarton Willie (Ontario): 6 more weeks of winter
Buckeye Chuck (Marion, OH): 6 more weeks of winter
Final verdict: Chuck and Willie are not team players.
Have a nice Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Say "Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool" and "great swimming" isn't exactly the first thing that leaps to mind.
---Latifah Al-Hazza, CNN
-