From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Earth Day 2016
I have still never seen…
A bison throw a cigarette butt out a car window
A flock of geese blow the top off a mountain
A seal cause an oil spill
A hippo drive a Hummer
A raccoon go out for the evening and leave all the house lights on
A bobcat fight legislation to lower carbon emissions
A songbird sing "Drill Baby, Drill"
A panda declare bankruptcy to wriggle out of lawsuits after polluting a river
A pride of lions wage war over oil
A slug (the real kind, not the George Will kind) claim that our biggest worry is global cooling
A gorilla laugh at people who keep their tires properly inflated
A salmon pollute a stream with mercury
An elephant claim that God says it's okay to pillage the world's natural resources willy-nilly because pachyderms are the "chosen ones"
A mockingbird mock public transportation
A polar bear claim that the melting ice caps are no big deal
A mountain goat shrug off earthquakes related to fracking
A monarch butterfly buy enough Congress members to retain billions in oil subsidies.
Today is Earth Day, an event we celebrate every year to remind ourselves that we do not, in fact, have to be the biggest parasites on the third rock from the sun, we choose to be. Unlike the other parasites, we know what we're doing to this planet…and how…and why…and the kinds of things we must do to stop turning it into a ball of uninhabitable human-made garbage.
As an inhabitant of this spectacular planet, I'll continue to try and treat it with the respect it deserves, mostly by following the Four Rs: "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, and Re-elect Democrats."
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 22, 2016
Note: Today's C&J is written with 100% recycled pixels. But please don’t ask what they're recycled from.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Cinco de Mayo: 13
Days 'til the 34th annual Petaluma Butter and Egg Days Parade in California: 1
Percent of Americans under 35 who think the country should transition to "mostly clean or renewable energy" by 2030, according to a USA Today/Rock the Vote poll: 80%
Percent of Americans who believe global warming is caused primarily by human activities, according to a Gallup poll: 65%
Members of the House and Senate---all Republicans---who deny or question climate science, according to The Center for American Progress Action Fund: 182
Percent of Americans who say the use of marijuana should be legal according to a CBS News poll, up from 27% in 1979: 56%
Estimated number of deaf attorneys in the U.S., according to FiveThirtyEight: 250
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
Fighting the evil lint roller.
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CHEERS to one helluva winning streak. Hey, America! Have you noticed that Barack HUSSEIN Obama continues to be at the helm during an amazing string of weekly unemployment reports that signal real resilience in the U.S. economy? No? Well, now you have:
The number of Americans filing for unemployment benefits unexpectedly fell last week, hitting its lowest level since 1973, suggesting the labor market continued to gain momentum despite weak economic growth.
Initial claims for state unemployment benefits declined 6,000 to a seasonally adjusted 247,000 for the week ended April 16, the lowest reading since November 1973, the Labor Department said on Thursday.
Economists polled by Reuters had forecast claims rising to 263,000 in the latest week. Jobless claims have now been below 300,000, a threshold associated with healthy labor market conditions, for 59 weeks, the longest stretch since 1973.
Feel free to use that, Hillary and Bernie. Y'know…if you need some cheap filler in between feuds over campaign funds and superdelegates.
JEERS to today's edition of You Really Didn’t Need To Tell Us That. NBC News tells us…
Donald Trump is poised to get the lowest vote ever among Latinos if he becomes the Republican candidate for president, says a recent poll commissioned by America's Voice, a group that advocates for immigration reform.
The poll shows that either Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton would beat Donald Trump among Latinos by a wide margin, with Trump garnering 11 percent of the likely vote. This would be the lowest vote for a Republican candidate for president among Latinos since polls began measuring Latino voters.
According to the poll, Donald Trump also garners the most unfavorable view among Latinos, with 87 percent of Latinos saying they see him as unfavorable.
This has been today's edition of You Really Didn’t Need To Tell Us That.
CHEERS to easy layups. Sunday is national Pigs in a Blanket Day. Or, as it's also known: nappytime at a Ted Cruz rally.
CHEERS to Matzoh Fever! Passover (aka "Bad people tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat!") starts tonight. The holiday commemorates Moses's exodus from Egypt three thousand years ago, including his Oscar-winning parting of the Red Sea. (For conservatives, Passover is a celebration of what modern-day Republicans do to competent people.) I'm not Jewish---my roulette wheel stopped on "Wild 'n Crazy Episcopalian"---but I still like to commemorate it with an abbreviated seder during which I go straight to the four glasses of wine. Now you know why in our house the holiday is more commonly referred to as Passout.
CHEERS to rebuffing rabid Republicans. Sixty-two years ago today, the Senate Army-McCarthy hearings began. The villain was Ann Coulter's hero (really, seriously)---a first-class jerk and pre-Ted-Cruz Ted Cruz named Joseph McCarthy---for whom it went very badly (and who died three years later after guzzling booze like a Hummer guzzles gas). May Ms. Coulter one day get laughed off the public stage in a similar fashion: "At long last have you left no sense of decency, crazy lady?" I know, I know...when pigs fly.
JEERS to Grim Reaper, Inc. 2016 appears to be the year in which Mr. Death went from the time-consuming task of hand-picking his celebrity victims to automating the system so he could spend more time on the golf course. In the blink of an eye we lost Merle Haggard, WWF star Chyna, actress Doris Roberts (Everybody Loves Raymond), director Guy Hamilton (four James Bond flicks including classics Goldfinger and Live and Let Die and earlier Second Unit work on classics like The African Queen and The Third Man), and now Prince. I practically lived at the Otterbein College top-40 radio station between '82 and '86, and I won’t even try to guess how many times I cued up a Prince record. His style and my ears didn’t mesh often, but I never complain when 1999 or When Doves Cry decide to be my earworm of the day. After college I worked at a mellow adult station, so we never played Prince there---it would've set our audience's blue hair on fire. Well, I take that back---we did play the Sinead O'Connor version of Nothing Compares 2 U, which Prince wrote and old people found soothing. So now we'll go through the usual cause-of-death media frenzy and vain attempt to put his legacy into neat little boxes. Then we'll do it all over again when Mr. Death quickly claims another legend with ruthless efficiency. Can't be late for his tee time, y'know.
CHEERS to "Ten-Cent Jimmy." Happy 225th Birthday tomorrow to that old stuffed shirt James Buchanan. In practice, he was a dud as president---one of the worst without question. But on paper, his resume was pretty impressive:
• United States Minister to the United Kingdom
• 17th United States Secretary of State
• United States Senator from Pennsylvania
• United States Minister to Russia
• Member of the U.S. House of Representatives (PA-04: 4 terms)
• Member of the U.S. House of Representatives (PA-03: 1 term)
• Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee
We bought the 15th POTUS our usual gift: an "I Diddled While the Country Teetered on the Brink of Civil War and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirt.
CHEERS to home vegetation. I only have three words to describe the significance of this weekend on the teevee: Game of Thrones. Sunday night the sixth season begins, sponsored by Purina Dragon Chow and your friendly local Deep Gash 24-Hour Walk-in Medical Clinic. But before that, tonight on Real Time, Bill Maher spends an hour with Wayne Pacelle, Lesley Stahl, Charles Cooke, Van Jones and Thomas Middleditch from the HBO series Silicon Valley which premieres Sunday night along with Veep and the aforementioned Game of Toilet Euphemisms. New DVD/streaming releases include Leo DiCaprio's Oscar-winning performance in The Revenant and Maggie Smith in the sleeper hit The Lady in the Van (but not the van down by the river...that’s Matt Foley’s domain.) The hockey playoff schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the baseball lineup is here. (The Red Sox will the vaporize the Astros Ha Ha Ha!!!)
Now, moving on to mediocrity. Here's your Sunday morning lineup. Please hold your applause until the oil companies issue a joint statement apologizing for their role in wrecking the planet:
Meet the Press: Bernie!!! Roundtable with Jose Diaz-Balart, Joy Reid, Robert Costa and Nicolle Wallace.
This Week: Bernie!!! Koch brother Charles Koch emerges from his star chamber reeking of bourbon and superiority; Reince Priebus just whimpers.
Face the Nation: Bernie!!! Plus: John Kasich, Ezra Klein, and new battleground polls.
CNN's State of the Union: Bernie!!! Plus one of Donald Trump’s animal-murdering sons is on---not sure if it’s Uday or Qusay.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Trump “convention manager” Paul Manafort; DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 22, 2006
JEERS to musical torture. Did you see what they made a group of children from the Gulf Coast region sing to Laura Bush at Monday's Easter Egg Roll? Plug your ears now because I'm gonna belt it out at the top of my lungs:
Our country's stood beside us! People have sent us aid!
Katrina could not stop us, our hopes will never fade!
Congress, Bush and FEMA!
People across our land!
Together have come to rebuild us and we join them hand-in-hand!
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And just one more…
JEERS to Dicks who should've been put in the dock. Richard Nixon---aka #37---died twenty-two years ago today at the age of 80-something. Whoever chose the color of his headstone knew what they were doing. But we'll be kind to his memory today and just replay the high point of his life:
Oh, I wish we coulda socked it to ya, Dick. Thanks for spoiling our fun, Gerald.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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