Tallahassee. FL April 28, 2016
In response to yesterday's announcement that Ted Cruz has selected Carly Fiorina as his Vice Presidential nominee, Jeb Bush today announced that Bush dynasty stalwart Dick Cheney will be his running mate and "America's next Vice President". Citing Cheney's experience and loyalty as well as his iconic status among gun rights activsts, Jeb, who suspended his campaign in February, said a press conference would be arranged as soon as the Secret Service can install metal detectors on the entrances to the Governor's mansion in Tallahassee.
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George Bush the elder, approved Jeb's choice for VP and remarked, "you know, the choice of VP is a real indication of a potential president's wisdom, decision-making skills, and acumen. That is why my choice of that Kennedy-esque fella, Dan.. Dan somebody was such a success."
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In related news, Rudy Giuliani was said to be strongly considering pop star, and undergarment model, Beyonce as his running mate for his 2008 bid for the White House. "I was unaware that we got to make selections before actually becoming the party's nominee," said Giuliani, "but certainly Ms. Beyonce would be make an attractive leader for America. It is time, as our party leader Donald Trump rightly says, for underwear models to be First Ladies, Vice Presidents, and perform other important and purely ceremonial duties."
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Asked when she intended to announce her choice for VP, Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton said, "Well, I believe in the system and the party and in making pragmatic incremental progress. It is all very well to have big ideas, but you need to have the plans and the programs to make those ideas happen. I have had almost eight years, you know, to think about who my choice will be, but I am going to follow tradition and established precedent and wait until I have actually attained the nomination. At that point, I will probably ask the 42nd president, my husband, for his advice."
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Bernie Sanders brushed off all questions on the topic by saying, "Look, I don't know what the hell they are all talking about. The system is rigged, the parties are a disgrace, and, as far as I can figure, losing candidates, withdrawn candidates, and losers from past elections should not be making VP choices. Not when the top 1% make more than the bottom 99%, and not when the big banks were bailed out so shamelessly, climate change is threatening the planet, we lead the world in incarceration rates, the minimum wage condemns the working class to poverty level existence, the trade agreements have decimated jobs, and corporations and big money interests can buy the elections." Observers agreed, however, that nobody was really listening any more.