'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Earlier today, Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Texas, put a new spin on his “gay island” story, arguing on the House floor that the push for LGBT rights is wrong because we would never choose to send gay couples or gay animals into space to start a new colony like in the Matt Damon movie “The Martian.”
First off, let's just all take a moment to appreciate that Rep. Louie Gohmert's gay island story is indeed a thing. And what a thing it could be in the future, with a little bit of funding; a title like that could be a children's picture book, or a coloring book, or a Survivor-esque reality show. The Gay Island Story stands on its own. We don't even need to add anything about shooting gay animals into space yet—that part's just icing.
All right, moment taken. So just what, pray tell, did America's Dumbest Congressman take to the floor of the House to opine on now? Ah—it was yet another rant about the "perverse" gay Americans who were keeping people like Rep. Louie Gohmert down?
He said that if lawmakers had to decide “whether humanity would go forward or not” in case of an imminent asteroid collision by putting people in a “space ship that can go, as Matt Damon did in the movie, plant a colony somewhere, we can have humans survive this terrible disaster about to befall, if you could decide what 40 people you put on the spacecraft that would save humanity, how many of those would be same-sex couples? You’re wanting to save humankind for posterity, basically a modern-day Noah, you have that ability to be a modern day Noah, you can preserve life. How many same-sex couples would you take from the animal kingdom and from humans to put on a spacecraft to perpetuate humanity and the wildlife kingdom?”
You know what? I'm stumped. I had not once considered the intergalactic post-armageddon sex boat scenario as reason to deny LGBT Americans non-sex-boat related legal rights. It never once even came up.
The premise gets more and more intriguing the more you think about it, in fact. If we were going to choose exactly 40 people to put on an intergalactic post-armageddon sex boat, why should any of the Americans not selected get any rights? I am fairly certain we would not be choosing to put Rep. Louie Gohmert on the sex boat, for a host of reasons we will not go into or attempt to visualize here—so why are we giving him wedding cakes or letting him use public bathrooms? Once we've whittled down the defining worth of all Americans as sex boat material or not sex boat material, it seems like the only possible reason any of the rest of us have to exist is to be the workers that build the intergalactic sex boat for our chosen greased up, most-fertile forty. Forget wedding cakes, I'm not sure we deserve chips.
(Also, if we're going to have an intergalactic post-armageddon sex boat, I'm pretty sure the most efficient way to run it would be to remove men from the equation entirely. You'd choose 40 women, obviously, and the contributions of America's top menfolk would be far more efficiently stored in a good-quality ice chest.)
Kind of puts it all in perspective, when you think about these things in intergalactic sex boat terms. Thanks, America's Dumbest Congressman, you truly are a visionary. You are just visioning all over the place, you are.