[Daily Kos will be covering the Republican convention tonight from 8 PM to 11 PM ET.]
The theme for the first night of the Republican convention was frightening the bejesus out of your elderly relatives. The theme for last night was that Hillary Clinton should be put in jail because the gathered Republican delegates insist upon it. Tonight's theme will be both.
On paper, the night's nominal title is Make America First Again. It harkens back—unintentionally, Donald's few remaining sane advocates insist—to the previous America First movement, the notoriously anti-Semitic organization that rose up to demand America refrain from entering the war against Adolf Hitler. Donald Trump has insisted on making the phrase his own, and after the first two nights of the convention we are hard-pressed to come up with one that’s more apt.
Tonight's program is an exceedingly odd mishmash of businessmen that have expressed admiration for Trump, and conquered political enemies who’ve come to demonstrate their fealty. Gone are the promises of a star-filled showman's convention; in its place, the theme appears to have shifted to Anyone We Could Dig Up. A preview of tonight's strange, strange patchwork:
• In keeping with the America First theme, we start our evening with Father Coughlin. Or, rather, his modern incarnation: Laura Ingraham is here in her stead as vilest far-right radio personality remaining party leaders can stomach. She will rile the crowd into a xenophobic froth, because that is what she does. She has no other role, purpose, expertise, or ambition.
• We then settle in for a long slog. Phil Ruffin is a hotel and convenience store magnate who, we presume, is among the most important people Donald Trump could muster to speak on his behalf at this key event. We will then lurch inexplicably to Pam Bondi, the Florida attorney general and dogged opposer of Obamacare, voting rights, and whatever else you've got. After that it's ex-astronaut Eileen Collins, who will testify that you can indeed see Donald Trump's greatness—or, at least, his ego—from space.
• From there we lurch yet again, now back to "small business owner" Michelle Van Etten, who "employs over 100,000 people and is a strong supporter of Donald Trump." Our program makes no note of what business she actually owns; as it turns out, it is a multi-level marketing scheme called Youngevity, as promoted by America's foremost batshit insane conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones. And she does not actually employ anyone, as the entire enterprise is set up using the typical independent contractor scheme that lets so many similar businesses skirt tax and labor regulations. Truly, a more perfect representative of the Trump economic plan could not be found.
• After Kentucky State Senator Ralph Alvarado Jr., we strip the convention’s gearbox entirely with a too-hard shift toward Cleveland pastor Darrell Scott. We careen from there to oilman Harold Hamm—again, presumably representing the biggest-name oil tycoon Trump could rally to the Republican scene this time around. We do a barrel roll and do an America First faceplant right at the feet of:
• Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker. Yes, we now arrive at the part of the program where a few more of the Republicans so easily crushed by the America First juggernaut toss their remaining dignity aside and endorse the vapid, lying showman that handily beat them in exchange for whatever petty scraps of power he might be able to later throw there way. Scott Walker has already been proven to have no dignity—he will do whatever you want for a dollar, and will be appearing on the sidewalk outside after the night's festivities have ended in case anyone wants to take him up on that offer—and is notable here for not being John Kasich.
• Then we go to Lynne Patton, Vice President of the Eric Trump Foundation and Senior Assistant to The Various Trumplings. Lynne is not the person responsible for Melania's bout of plagiarism earlier in the week. She is here because even though Donald Trump enlisted his wife and other Various Trumps to vouch for his greatness, that is still not enough to fill out the whole schedule. So we'll also have the person who runs his winery, and the person who runs his son's foundation, and if things still need padding out that alarming ex-butler from Florida, presuming the Secret Service lets him in.
• Finally, the moment Republicans have all been waiting for: The official death of their party. In quick succession Sen. Marco Rubio and Sen. Ted Cruz will get up and destroy their remaining careers by genuflecting to the proprietor of this monumental hatefest. They both had previously muttered that they'd do no such thing. They both previously considered Donald Trump to be a pox on the party, and that is saying something when you consider that Ted Cruz is already considered to be the party's equivalent of syphillis. They are both here anyway.
• Next it's Qusay Trump. His hobbies include shooting large animals for fun and telling his hapless assistant that she has to praise him at the Republican National Convention. While we cannot surmise what precisely Qusay will have to say about making America First, we will all enjoy later finding out which speech or publication the Trump speechwriters copied it from.
• Newt and Callista Gingrich have no remaining dignity, and are therefore here of their own volition.
We then close out the night with the ostensible star of the evening: Donald Trump's vice presidential pick, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence. You may note that not a damn person so far this evening has had anything to do with Gov. Mike Pence, at least not until you get to Newt Gingrich, here to introduce the bastard that stole the vice presidential nod out from under him. No matter: This is Mike Pence's moment to shine.
Unfortunately, Gov. Mike Pence is notorious for not shining in public forums, and so is bringing up the very rear of the schedule in the hopes that one or more of the evening's other blowhards will run long enough to boot Pence from prime time. But don’t bet on it. None of the big names on stage tonight truly want to be here, and that likely means they’ll be getting the heck out of Dodge as soon as they can manage.
And that's it. If the last two nights are any indication the convention’s not-quite-captive audience, weary from a long evening of demanding the opposing presidential candidate be imprisoned, will mostly have left before Pence has taken the stage. So that will take the pressure off.