From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I know---Rio Games Edition:
> When you watch the sprinters in action, you're looking at the only humans who will be able to outrun our future robot overlords.
> If a spectator gets speared by a javelin, they get to keep it as a souvenir.
> Ever since Mike Pence started showing up at campaign events slathered in coconut oil like that guy from Tonga, attendance has been up by a whopping five little old ladies and one Log Cabin Republican.
> Ronald Reagan coached the U.S. hockey team to an upset over the Soviet Union during the 1980 Olympics. (Source: Conservapedia)
> I'm not into conspiracy theories. But, yes, I believe that Michael Phelps secretly had a Boston Whaler engine installed in his ass.
> There was no actual competition in the synchronized backflip event this year. They just gave the gold, silver and bronze to the Trump surrogates.
> The Brits feel a tiny pang of sadness when they hear our national anthem, which is basically a ballad about how we humiliated them in an Olympian game of "Capture the Flag" during the War of 1812.
> "I'm really glad the water pollution in Rio didn’t turn out to be a major problem," said the rower from his newly-grown knee tentacle.
> Shuttlecock! Shuttlecock! Ha Ha Ha! Shuttlecock! Ha Ha Ha!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Note: C&J Pharmaceuticals reminds you to ask your doctor if asking your doctor is right for you.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the full moon: 1
Days 'til the Charlotte NC Pride parade: 3
Percent of Republicans who said they prioritized gun control over gun rights in 1999, according to Harper's Index: 53%
Percent of Republicans who said they prioritized gun control over gun rights in 2015: 26%
Minimum number of people who have been rescued in Louisiana floods: 20,000
Number of detainees remaining at the Guantanamo prison after 15 were sent to the United Arab Emirates Monday, according to FiveThirtyEight: 61
Average number of words a dog can learn: 165
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Team USA Olympic Medal Count
Gold 28 Silver 28 Bronze 28
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Mid-week Rapture Index:
188 (including 5 Moral Standards and 1 government cover-up of the existence of the "Giant of Kandahar"). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Lilo gives Rosie a reason to live!
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CHEERS to preparing to blast out of the starting blocks like a rocket. President Hillary Clinton will be ready to go to work on day one January 20th, thanks to the prep work being done now by a competent group of professionals managing her transition team. At the top: former Interior Secretary and Colorado senator Ken Salazar:
The effort, which will be based out of Washington, is aimed at preparing Mrs. Clinton and her team to enter the White House after the November election if she wins---an operation intended to be largely separated from Mrs. Clinton’s campaign apparatus in Brooklyn.
The campaign said Mr. Salazar would lead four team members: Tom Donilon, who served as national security adviser under President Obama; Jennifer Granholm, the former governor of Michigan; Neera Tanden, the president of the Center for American Progress; and Maggie Williams, the director of Harvard’s Institute of Politics and a longtime Clinton confidante. […]
The White House has been preparing for months to help oversee a transfer of power in January.
Meanwhile, the Times article says that the guy in charge of Donald Trump's transition team is Gov. Chris Christie. Word on the street is he's sharing an office with the Maytag repairman.
CHEERS to clearing the air. A pre-emptive "Thanks, Obama!" this morning as the EPA approves new rules for heavy-duty trucks that, according to Think Progress, are tougher than originally proposed:
Under the new rule, emissions from heavy-duty trucks should drop by 1.1 billion metric tons, the agency said.
Trucks sold under the program are expected to use two billion barrels less oil than their counterparts, over the lifetime of the vehicles. [...] This final version is stronger than last year’s proposed rule, and the EPA estimates that it will achieve 10 percent more greenhouse gas reductions than the proposal. [...]
the rule is just the latest in President Obama’s attempt to curb U.S. emissions through administrative processes — since the Republican-controlled Congress has made it clear legislative action is not on the table. During his time in office, the EPA has issued several rules, lowering allowable levels of ozone, emissions from power plants, and methane leaks from oil and gas operations.
Also included in the regulations: whenever someone pumps their fist up and down from the back of the family station wagon, truckers have to smile honk their horn. You ruined my childhood, truckers! You smiled and honked for the other kids but not for me! Whyyyyy?!!! Whyyyyyyyyyy?!!!
Update: Sorry about that. Sore subject. Bastards never honked for me.
CHEERS to the most fabulous ship in the Navy. It's official---assassinated San Francisco city supervisor Harvey Milk got a U.S. Naval vessel named after him yesterday. It's a John Lewis class class oiler, which according to Wikipedia is…
…a Combat Logistics ship that replenishes other ships with fuel and in some cases food, mail, ammunition and other necessities while at sea, in a process called Underway Replenishment or UNREP. Up through the Second World War Navy oilers used commercial tanker hulls, with the addition of UNREP gear, defensive guns, and military electronic and damage-control equipment; since the 1950s however they have been built from the keel up as specialized naval auxiliaries.
Milk served in the Navy as a rescue diver during the Korean War, and went on to become one of the pioneers who kicked the closet door open for countless lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Americans. The ship is still in the planning stages. Once it's built it'll be christened with a champagne bottle full of Pat Robertson’s tears.
CHEERS to "The American Original." John McLaughlin was among a species of homo sapiens now long-endangered: the moderate New England Republican. In fact, he was a Democrat before switching parties and becoming a speechwriter for Nixon, but was so turned off by the Bush-Cheney regime that he announced he was going to vote for John Kerry in 2004. A teabagger he wasn't. His most enduring legacy, of course, is The McLaughlin Group, which was like eavesdropping on a Thanksgiving dinner between squabbling family elders who'd had a bit too much chardonnay. It was a show you could hear through your TV set even with the mute button on. And I hardly ever missed it:
Sadly, on a scale of one to ten, one being zero chance and ten being metaphysical certitude, McLaughlin's passing yesterday has been confirmed as a ten. He was 89. What else can we say? “Bye-bye.”
JEERS to keeping creepy company. Hey, ladies, here's some news that'll make you want to rush out and vote for Donald Trump: he's hired a perv from Perv Land…
Former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes, who resigned from the company in July after mounting allegations of sexual harassment, will advise Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for the upcoming presidential debates, The New York Times reports. …
Ailes is still facing a lawsuit from former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson, who alleged that Ailes sexually harassed her and then fired her when she rejected his sexual advances.
Since Carlson's suit, a number of other women have come forward to claim that Ailes sexually harassed them when they worked with him at Fox.
Really, Politico? "Mounting allegations"? Thanks for making me throw up my Lucky Charms a little bit in my mouth.
CHEERS to things that go clank…or is it clunk? On this date in 1835, Solyman Merrick of Springfield, Massachusetts got a patent for improvements to his invention called the screw wrench. Humanity has been throwing them into the works ever since.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 17, 2006
CHEERS to mandate FEVER! In the latest Zogby poll, President Bush clocks in at a blistering 34 percent. The number would've been higher, but they only polled Americans who could find America on a map.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to previews of coming attractions. Caught this trailer for a movie called Hidden Figures. According to the filmmakers, it tells "the incredible story of Katherine G. Johnson (Taraji P. Henson), Dorothy Vaughan (Octavia Spencer) and Mary Jackson (Janelle Monáe)---brilliant African-American women working at NASA, who served as the brains behind one of the greatest operations in history: the launch of astronaut John Glenn into orbit, a stunning achievement that restored the nation’s confidence, turned around the Space Race, and galvanized the world. The visionary trio crossed all gender and race lines to inspire generations to dream big." I hope it turns out to be as good as the trailer:
The bad news: we gotta wait until mid-January to see it. I hope it’s worth the wait because it looks like a real blast. [Lord, forgive me for what I’m about to write:] A real blast-OFF, that is! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
This impossibly cute sea creature looks like a googly-eyed Bill in Portland Maine.
---The Washington Post
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