Campaign Action
My new theory is that whatever Donald Trump "is," in terms of the unique mental stew of self-regard and impossible-to-parody bluster that marks his every word and action, it is contagious. How else to explain this evaluation of Trump's telepromptered Tuesday efforts from his newest omnipresent sidekick, Rudy Giuliani, to (of course) the puddingheads of Fox & Friends?
"I think this is the best speech that any Republican at the least has ever given."
That's right. Donald Trump's Tuesday speech, an exercise in explaining What's Wrong With The Black People Today, a rote exercise of Donald Trump reading some internal lackey's words off a screen while the restless audience wondered if he was going to bite the head off a bat as promised in the rally pamphlets or if this was all they were going to get, was the greatest Republican speech ever given. Better than Lincoln. Better than anything that dullard Reagan could read off—and finally, we've lived long enough to see Republicans take Ronald Reagan off the party mantelpiece and pack him into storage with the rest of the also-rans. Nay, the best speech ever to flow from Republican lips.
That one. By Donald Trump.
It appears that Donald Trump's narcissism—and when Donald Trump does narcissism, he does it with the flair of a man determined to do the best narcissism you ever saw, the biggest, classiest, narcissism that any narcissist ever stood up and delivered—is contagious. The stuff is literally a disease. Donald Trump's doctor says Donald Trump is not merely in "extraordinarily excellent" health, he will be the healthiest person ever elected to the presidency. Rudy Giuliani says Donald Trump is not merely goodly with the word-reading, he is the best word-reader the Republican Party, in its long history, has ever produced.
The damn stuff is contagious. Anyone who spends any significant time whatsoever with the man comes away talking like he does. Is it a virus? A parasite? That thing on his head—does it send out tendrils during private meetings? Is that why he wears the hat? Not to keep his hair in check, but to prevent it from attacking rallies full of screaming fans, at least while the television cameras are watching?
Given Trump's reliance on conspiracy theories, it seems the normal bounds of what we can speculate on in the so-called legitimate political arena have been stretched considerably this year. This, then, is where I'm staking my own claim: Donald Trump's hairpiece has the power to control the thoughts of those who come in close proximity to it. It may use spores. It may use tentacles. We don't know.
But it's either that or Rudy Giuliani has devolved into a blubbering idiot, and it is incumbent on serious pundits (like you and I) to consider not just the most likely explanations, but the most entertaining ones as well.