Late Night Snark: Mid-January Edition
“Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump ‘bizarre,’ ‘meandering,’ and ‘mystifying.’ In other words: she’s still got it!”
---Conan O'Brien
"Jeb Bush has released a new ad showing clips of mean things Donald Trump has said on the campaign trail. He also released his new campaign slogan: 'I'm telling!'"
---Seth Meyers
"You know it's bad when there are more black people in the running for the Republican nomination for president than for the Academy Awards."
---Jimmy Kimmel
“The [armed Oregon extremist] guys put out a call for food and supplies, and instead America sent them dildos. Y’know, just when I start to lose faith in this country, the fiber of the American people restores that faith.”
---Larry Wilmore
“NASA has grown a flower in space. It’s a lovely zinnia with thirteen petals. That’s one small step for man, one giant leap backwards for astronauts with allergies.”
---Stephen Colbert
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers---a certified 100 percent anti-establishment establishment except for the part of the establishment that clears the snow---starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 22, 2016
Note: Two Corinthians walk into a bar. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Iowa caucus: 10!!!
Days 'til the Holtville Carrot Festival in California: 7
Average price for a gallon of gas: $1.90
International Monetary Fund's estimate of worldwide economic growth this year and next year: 3.4%, 3.6%
Percent chance that if you get a call from the IRS about a payment you owe, it's a scam because the IRS only writes letters: 100%
Percent of hotels surveyed that now accept dogs, according to FiveThirtyEight: 60%
Number of shuttlecocks that will be used at the Summer Olympic Games in Rio this, um, summer: 8,400
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
(via Adam Blomeke) More excellent photo-booth-style pics of shelter dogs.
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JEERS to winter doing what winter does. Heads up, mid-Atlantic coast and north Dixie: there's a winter storm in the process of whackin' ya real good. Here's the latest map from the National Weather Service, a fine socialist-style branch of the federal government:
At its height it's gonna be falling so thick and fast that you won’t be able to see your hand in front of your face. But enough about the blizzard of right-wing drivel about global cooling. We hear the snow’s gonna be pretty deep, too.
CHEERS to a quiet little verdict that people hardly ever mention anymore. Roe v. Wade turns 42 today. Pro-choice advocates marked the occasion with events to remind Americans that women should be in control of their own bodies and that health care decisions should be between them and their doctor, not them and their nearest right-wing legislature. Anti-choice advocates will mark the occasion by reminding Americans that microscopic bits of blastocyst matter are people too, with full rights including voting and marriage (as long as they're not gay). And the five conservative justices on the Supreme Court will, as usual, mark the occasion by licking their chops. (Respecting precedent is sooooo yesteryear.)
JEERS to the worst mama grizzly in the world. It’s bad enough that Sarah Palin is now running around promoting Donald Trump with incoherent rants punctuated by odd vocal derps that sound like someone’s goosing her every five seconds. But responding to her son Track’s recent arrest on domestic assault charges by blaming not only his alleged PTSD, but blaming his alleged PTSD on our president, crosses a line. Paul Rieckhoff of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America---a friend of C&J---isn’t keeping quiet about it:
"It's not President Obama's fault that Sarah Palin's son has PTSD.
PTSD is a very serious problem, a complicated mental health injury and I would be extremely reluctant to blame any one person in particular." … Rieckhoff urged Palin to "resist the urge to politicize" PTSD. "I hope this doesn't become a political chew toy in a political campaign," he said. … Track Palin served in Iraq with the Alaska-based 25th Infantry Division's 1st Stryker Brigade Combat Team for a year in 2008---while George W. Bush was still president.
I’m sure Sarah will take Rieckhoff’s advice to heart and stop the finger-pointing. (Disclaimer: Cessation of finger-pointing limited to her sleeping hours only.)
JEERS to not going out of business. Speaking of Obama, seven years ago the newly-minted president signed an order that was intended to close the prison at Guantanamo within a year:
"The orders that I signed today should send an unmistakable signal that our actions in defense of liberty will be just as our cause and that we, the people, will uphold our fundamental values as vigilantly as we protect our security.
Once again, America’s moral example must be the bedrock and the beacon of our global leadership."
A bunch of cowards in Congress and state houses---Republicans and Democrats, of course---got the vapors and said no, America isn't smart enough or strong enough to handle those detainees ON AMERICAN SOIL!!! So, seven years later, Gitmo is still open for business, and the president can still have American citizens arrested without probable cause and black-helicoptered there, too, if he chooses. Memo to DHS: if I'm on your list, I'd like my steak medium, please. Light on the broccoli, extra tater-tots.
CHEERS to the new member of the cosmic family. Apparently, our solar system has had a batty uncle (or aunt, we're not sure yet) living in our attic all this time in the form of a planet lurking behind Pluto and they may be close to finding it:
The team calculated that the planet, if it’s there, would be about 10 times as massive as Earth, or roughly three times larger.
That makes it a super-Earth or mini-Neptune---a type of planet the galaxy is incredibly efficient at assembling, but which has been conspicuously absent from our own neighborhood.
“This thing is on an exceptionally frigid, long-period orbit, and probably takes on the order of 20,000 years to make one full revolution around the sun,” says Caltech’s Konstantin Batygin, who is one half of the planet-sleuthing team.
To put that in perspective, that's the same time it takes for Reaganomics to start working.
CHEERS to timely retro-advice. Twenty years ago tomorrow---oh, this is so cute---Bill Clinton delivered a State of the Union speech in which he told Republicans that they had to pinky-swear…
"...never, ever shut the federal government down again.
On behalf of all Americans, especially those who need their Social Security payments at the beginning of March, I also challenge the Congress to preserve the full faith and credit of the United States---to honor the obligations of this great nation as we have for 220 years; to rise above partisanship and pass a straightforward extension of the debt limit and show people America keeps its word."
Read that out loud to a tea party Republican. They'll stand there all day waiting for the punchline.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on the talking picture box this weekend. Rachel Maddow---such a strong force for waking up the mainstream media about the Flint lead-poisoning disaster---gets the ball rolling at 9. Then on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Rep. Michael McCaul, Rep. Alan Grayson, Jon Meacham, Liz Mair and Seth McFarlane. New DVD releases include Straight Outta Compton and The Intern. Martial artist and actress Ronda Rousey hosts SNL. In post-season NFL action, The New England Patriots will beat the Denver Broncos Sunday and then destroy whoever wins the Carolina-Arizona game. (I guarantee it!) The hockey schedule is here and the NBA schedule is here.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Hillary!!!
This Week: Bernie!!! Jeb!
Face the Nation: Bernie!!! Donald Trump; Anthony Salvanto with fresh CBS News battleground poll results.
CNN's State of the Union: TBA. Jake Tapper’s still in the bathroom after winning a celebrity media prawn-eating contest. (4.2 pounds in 45 seconds, a new record.)
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Creamy McDreamy Marco Rubio; flogging the Hillary Clinton email story some more with Sen. James Lankford (R-OK) and Rep Adam Schiff (D-CA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 22, 2006
JEERS to the sputtering White House Wurlitzer. Take it away, Jon:
Jon Stewart: The New York Times has reported this week that since 9/11, the NSA has flooded the FBI with thousands of names, emails, and phone numbers of Americans possibly linked to terrorist organizations...virtually all of which have led to dead ends. ... White House press secretary Scott McClellan defended the NSA's spying program:
McClellan: This has been successful in helping to prevent attacks. And that's what's important to look at. If it helps prevent one attack, it's a useful tool.
Stewart: Ironically, President Bush's nickname for Scott McClellan? Also Useful Tool.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to flying filling. Tomorrow is a high holy day here at Daily Kos. Yes, it's National Pie Day. We say why stand on the formality of the calendar? Let the fun begin now...
"Berniebots rock!" [Splot!] "Berniebots suck!" [Splot!]
"Love Hillary!" [Splot!] "Hate Hillary!" [Splot!]
"Site administrator moderation is best!" [Splot!] "Self-policing is best!" [Splot!]
"Ginger!" [Splot!] "Mary Ann!" [Splot!]
"Ideological purity!" [Splot!] "Practical centrism!" [Splot!]
"Organized Religion!" [Splot!] "Atheism!" [Splot!]
"Woozles!" [Splot!] "Pooties!" [Splot!]
“The Republican party has gone insane!”
[Brief pause as everyone nods in agreement]
“DK 4.0!” [Splot!] “DK 5.0!” [Splot!]
"Three point one four one five!" [Splot!] "That's pi, not pie, you idiot!" [Splot!]
"Hi, I'm just here to use the restroom." [Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot!]
Always fun. Same time next year?
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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