From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
With Apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan
The Modern Fascist Candidate’s Song
I am the very model of a modern fascist candidate,
I gin up fear across the land and viciousness I advocate,
I tweet my fingers to the bone and cable news I dominate
To tear you down and smear your name and criticize your body weight
My propaganda is the very best that I can propagate
I love Vlad Putin like a son, for he's my greatest surrogate
When I slam Clinton’s emails you will hear me bellow "cover-up!"
And whip my crowds into a froth by leading chants of "Lock her up!"
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I'll slap my name onto a wall so high that you'll get vertigo
Then round up all the immigrants and send them back to Mexico
In short, if you're not white and straight you have to pack and relocate
(But just until we find out what the hell is going on, that I can tell you!)
I am the very model of a modern fascist candidate
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My policies will drench the rich in ample sumptuosity
The rest will take what they can get, the freedom crumbs of paucity
I'll send my nukes across the globe with unpredictability
I'll build a statue on the Mall to my infallibility
And then just like a bolt of light---a 3am epiphany!
My cabinet will be fired and staffed with Eric, Don and Tiffany
I'll strut and preen and bellow yuge just like all bigly autocrats
And when it all comes crashing down I'll blame it on the Democrats
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November eighth will be archived into the books of history
The fate of me and my red cap will really be no mystery
I'll lose to Hill' in forty states, it's writ in stone, it is my fate...
(And totally RIGGED by the global banking system, believe me!)
I am the very model of a modern fascist candidate.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Note: Trump vows to decommission the U.S.S. Constitution when elected president, claiming the vessel is totally rigged. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til election day: 3
Days 'til the Arkansas Cornbread Festival in Little Rock: 11
Percent of likely voters who trust Clinton and Trump more, respectively, on issues related to helping the middle class according to the new ABC News-WaPost poll: 51%, 39%
Percent who trust Clinton and Trump, respectively, more on women's issues: 68%, 24%
Mainers who plan to vote for Clinton and Trump, respectively, in the latest Reuters-Ipsos poll: 48%, 35%
Number of galaxies in the universe, according to the latest estimate by an international team led by a professor at Nottingham University: 1-2 trillion
Year the first Ouija Board was patented: 1890
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Where shall we venture today, kids? How about the comment section at Glenn Beck's flailing The Blaze…
“This election is rigged against all law-abiding, taxpaying, patriotic Americans by the vote-panderining, power-hungry, globalist Democrats.”
"Bernie was paid to play a phony part “against” Clinton. That lazy scum never made an honest buck in his life. He and his oinking wife got themselves their third house. How stupid are you democrats, anyway?"
"The OHIO absentee ballot I just received, has Hillary at the top of the ballot FIRTS ONE. Then all the third party candidates. Then Trump the last one …..Clear at the Bottom.!"
"democRATS oppose voter ID so they can have illegals and the dead voting early and voting often."
All together now: 1…2…3… Classy!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: October is Adopt A Shelter Dog Month. Or as it's also known: Go Get Adopted By A Shelter Dog Month.
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CHEERS to the four Rs: reading, 'riting, 'rithmatic…and 'raduating. Despite flat test scores in reading and math, there's good news on the education front: more kids are staying in school and getting their diplomas:
The high school graduation rate in the U.S. reached an all-time high of 83 percent in the 2014-2015 school year, President Obama announced today, marking the fifth straight record-setting year.
Achievement gaps have narrowed even as all boats have risen. Graduation rates range from 90 percent for students who identify as Asian/Pacific Islanders to 64 percent for students with disabilities.
[T]he president used the good-news announcement as an opportunity to tout his education initiatives, from Preschool for All through the America's College Promise free community college partnership. "When I took office almost eight years ago, we knew that our education system was falling short," he said. "I said, by 2020 I want us to be No. 1 across the board, so we got to work making real changes to improve the chances for all of our young people ... And the good news is that we've made real progress."
When the news hit, there were many tears of joy. Most of them from the cap and gown industry.
JEERS to filibastards. Goddam it, this is why we can't have nice things. After promising and pinky-swearing that 2016 voters would decide which president---Trump or Clinton---would get to pick the person to fill Antonin Scalia's seat ( a stupid concept in and of itself), Republicans are pulling the football away and playing Takesie backsies.
McCain promised that Republicans would be "united against any Supreme Court nominee" put forth by Clinton.
"I promise you that we will be united against any Supreme Court nominee that Hillary Clinton, if she were president, would put up," McCain said. "I promise you.
There's a lot of talk about how Donald Trump has become a thorn in the "establishment" GOP's side because he's gone all crazy and unhinged. But this kind of behavior---a blanket promise to allow the Supreme Court to shrivel down to nothing as long as a Democrat sits in the White House---is Trumpism on steroids. I have a message in to Maine's "moderate" senator Susan Collins to see if she’s on board with McCain’s scheme. I'll let you know what she says...assuming I can successfully translate her response from derp to English.
CHEERS to Women in uniform. Nineteen years ago today, the Women In Military Service Memorial was dedicated:
The history of women in the armed forces began more than 220 years ago with the women who served during the American Revolution and continues through the present day.
The Women's Memorial honors all the women who have served courageously, selflessly and with dedication in times of conflict and in times of peace---women whose achievements have for too long been unrecognized or ignored.
Times of peace? Really? We have those?
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Dave Itzkoff, previewing the live stage version of a 1975 movie classic that'll air on Fox Thursday night, asks: ‘Rocky Horror’ Remake: Is It Time to Go Back to Camp?
Yes.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to cool space tricks. Exciting week not only for the European Space Agency, but also for ALL HUMANITY EVERYWHERE. A Mars probe---Schiaparelli (I think that's Italian for "Chia Pet")---has been released from its orbiter and is now swaddled in a heat-shield cocoon as it heads for the surface of the red planet. Take a look at how it's all---pardon the pun---going down:
The Schiaparelli is falling at a rate of 13,000 miles per hour. To put that in perspective, it’s the same rate as Republican hopes of taking back the White House.
CHEERS to news from across The Pond. [BeepBeepBeepBeep…Beeeep!] "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a breaking news bulletin, old chap: today marks the 91st anniversary of the BBC, which is properly pronounced, of course, 'Beh Beh Seh.' Since our founding we've maintained a reputation for being cool, calm, impartial, and accurate. So of course you Americans have no idea what to make of us. (Plus you don’t understand our proper accent.) Now stay tuned for The Goon Show, followed by Educating Archie and assorted ramblings from Her Majesty the Queen during her ceremonial Drinking of the Several Glasses of Sherry." [Beepity Beeeeep!]
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 18, 2006
JEERS to today's Bullshit Moment. From TIME magazine's interview with Rupert Murdoch comes this whopper:
TIME: Is there anything Fox has done in the past 10 years that in retrospect you thought was "unfair and unbalanced"?
MURDOCH: Nothing I can think of. As someone who is reputed to be more conservative than I really am, I get annoyed sometimes that subjects are not put out properly, explained properly. But in short, no. [Fox News chief] Roger Ailes has been insistent on equal time for all sides.
TIME forgot to add Murdoch's coda to that statement: "Wink Wink!"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to helping hands. Here's one of the more unusual and inspiring fist-bumps that President Obama has given out during his eight years in office, and another great pic from White House photographer Pete Souza. Obama visited the University of Pittsburgh last week for the White House Frontiers Conference, and caught a demonstration of a new robotic arm that allows a person---in this case Nathan Copeland, who was paralyzed in a car accident---to experience sensation via tiny electrodes implanted in his brain. They met last Thursday:
Read more about it here. Says Copeland: “I can feel just about every finger, it’s a really weird sensation. Sometimes it feels electrical and sometimes its pressure, but for the most part, I can tell most of the fingers with definite precision." He added that the finger that feels the best is the middle one. Especially when he's extending it at a Trump ad.
Have a nice Tuesday. Get plenty of sleep tonight, for tomorrow we debate! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Bill in Portland Maine is truly the candidate you’d want to sit down and have a beer with, then another beer, and then several more beers until you’re drunk enough to try meth for the first time.”
---John Oliver
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