From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: The Vultures Gather to Feast
"Donald Trump and Mitt Romney had dinner together at an expensive restaurant in New York City called Jean-Georges. The two billionaires dined on fancy French cuisine and then talked about how out of touch Washington is."
---Conan O'Brien
“If you’re wondering what was on the dinner menu, Romney started by eating his words. Then for the main course he swallowed his pride, dignity, and self-esteem.”
---James Corden
“The billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and sautéed frogs legs. I thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its contents.”
---Stephen Colbert
"Donald Trump said this afternoon that he was surprised one of his top picks for Secretary of Defense is not in favor of waterboarding. Man, you think you know somebody and then they turn out to be a decent human being.”
---Seth Meyers
“Elaine Chao has been picked for Transportation Secretary. She'll be in charge of all the buses that Trump throws people under.”
---Stephen Colbert
"I don’t think Trump knows what kind of movement he's trying to run. He's like the Chauncey Gardiner of fascists."
---Samantha Bee
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 2, 2016
Note: I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day. I saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas Day in the morning. Then Ma grabbed her bazooka and sent 'em to the bottom of the harbor and now we got news crews parked out on the lawn. Dammit, woman, you and your hair-trigger!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Grammy nominations: 4
Days 'til Sinterklaas Festival Day in Rhinebeck, New York: 1
Amount by which Millennium Tower---aka the "Leaning Tower of San Francisco"---is sinking per year and how far it's tilting to the northwest, respectively: 1 inch / 6 inches
Number of cigarettes pumped out by Philip Morris death factories this year according to Reuters: 870 billion
Second-quarter sales of marijuana and alcohol, respectively, in Washington State: $212 million, $249 million
Percent chance that David Petraeus would, if chosen by Trump, become the first Secretary of State to have to get permission from his probation officer before going on any trips: 100%
Estimated number of people born in the 1800s who are still alive: 1 (Emma Morano, 117, from Italy)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Yay! Road trip!
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CHEERS to more workin' folks workin'. Gotta hand it to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, they're a punctual bunch, releasing their monthly jobs numbers at 8:30am on the button, without fail, in rain or sleet or snow. (They really should replace that leaky roof.) Today's jobs report is…GOOD!!! President Obama single-handedly created 178,000 jobs in November, the unemployment rate fell to 4.6 percent (lowest since August 2007), and the three-month average stands at a decent 176,000. Here's the Calculated Risk chart, with the usual reminder on the far left of the mess George W. Bush left Obama to clean up…..
The growth in the construction and health care sectors is nice, but none can hold a candle to the one that currently enjoys 100% employment: mall Santas. Thanks, Obama!
JEERS to quiz show time. Hey!!! Welcome to my game show, Guess What THAT Is! I’m Billy your host, and here’s your challenge: see if you can guess what event I'm describing by the following clues...
Overconfident president
Carrier stunt
Boastful signage
Smiles and applause
Swooning media
A display of deft political choreography…
…and massive deception
History is not kind to the event's legacy
President later appears on most "Bottom 5" lists
If you guessed it was George W. Bush's aircraft carrier stunt declaring "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq that today is considered a national embarrassment---[Ding!]---you're right! But if you guessed it was Donald Trump's stop in Indiana to promote his not-great Carrier stunt because you thought I was going do a bait and switch by making you think I was talking about Bush but I was actually talking about Trump, which I wasn't---[Bzzzt!]---you're wrong. Because Trump isn't president yet. Gotcha!
CHEERS to slaying Ann Coulter's idol. Sixty-two years ago today, on December 2nd, 1954, the Senate voted 67-22 to condemn Joseph McCarthy for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute." Three years later the bitter, broken man would be dead of cirrhosis of the liver. The takeaway lesson for our modern age: everyone start sending Ted Cruz rum balls for Christmas.
JEERS to cowards under the sheets. Remember when the KKK in North Carolina announced it was putting on a big parade for its new leader, a certain Donald J. Trump? It was going to be a grandwizard old time, I tell ya…a real crossburner. But somewhere along the way they apparently remembered that, Trump or no Trump, they're still universally-despised assholes. So finding this victory parade has turned into the world's worst scavenger hunt, according to Jamie Peck at Death and Taxes:
Originally announced on the KKK’s adorably retro-looking website, the “Victory Klavalkade Klan Parade” promised to be a family-friendly celebration of white Christian values like nationalism, brotherhood, and hating blacks and Jews.
But at some point…the announcement and image disappeared from the site’s front page, leading would-be Grand Wizards to wonder just where and when this joyful celebration will be. When contacted by Snopes, a spokeswoman for the Klan said the parade will occur this weekend but that it would be “unannounced.” When pressed for specific details, she would confirm only that the parade would be in North Carolina.
If you hear of the route's whereabouts, please let me know. I plan to pay a kid five bucks to redirect their "This Way" signs toward the nearest cliff.
CHEERS to the Land Of Lincoln and Obama. Happy Birthday, Illinois---198 years old tomorrow. The name means "Tribe of superior men." But deadbeat dad and former crazy congressman Joe Walsh is from Illinois. So is Donald Rumsfeld. So is the Catholic bishop who conducted an exorcism a couple years back after the governor signed a marriage-equality bill into law. So is Rahm Emanuel. Oh well...every village has its idiots.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Remember the days when the TV had to "warm up" for, like, 60 seconds or more before it would even think of giving you a picture? Ha ha, good times. But not the greatest weekend for TV, since not much is on. New DVD-digital releases include Spielberg's The BFG and Meryl Streep in Florence Foster Jenkins. The NHL schedule is here, and the football schedule is here. Emma Stone hosts SNL. 60 Minutes gives House Speaker Paul Ryan a tongue bath. Wayne Gretzky guest stars on The Simpsons. And Sunday night it's the season finale of HBO’s Westworld, which has been a slow-boil of bloody Bizarrobot World intrigue that makes it feel kinda like Game of Thrones but with more WD-40. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup, stuffed with their own slate of evil robots of the Republican variety:
Meet the Press: Main guests TBA; plus a panel of Very Serious Pundits who are under strict orders by NBC News to normalize Trump.
This Week: Mike Pence talks about his government/taxpayer bailout of Carrier; David Petraeus is scheduled to appear, but only if his [Snork!] probation officer says its okay and releases him from his exploding ankle bracelet; plus a panel of Very Serious Pundits who are under strict orders by ABC News to normalize Trump.
Face the Nation: Trump chief-of-staff Reince Priebus; Nancy Pelosi; Newt Gingrich; Leon Panetta; plus a panel of Very Serious Pundits who are under strict orders by CBS News to normalize Trump.
CNN's State of the Union: Worst Woman in the World Kellyanne Conway; Robby Mook, who managed Hillary’s campaign to a 2.5 million vote win-loss; plus a panel of Very Serious Pundits who are under strict orders by CNN to normalize Trump.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Worst Woman in the World Kellyanne Conway; Weirdest Woman in the World Jill Stein; plus a panel of Very Serious Pundits who are under strict orders by Fox News to normalize Trump.
Happy viewing.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 2, 2006
CHEERS to the Class of 2007. Joining the first-ever class of Kossack "jolly good fellows" (Hunter, McJoan, SusanG, Gina Cooper, Will Rockafellow) are newcomers BarbinMD (Barb Morrill), Devilstower (Mark Sumner), Kagro X (David Waldman) and MissLaura (Laura Clawson). As Kos schemes in his Dr. Evil lair, these amazing writers and organizers will continue to help him---and all of us---crash even bigger gates. Starting today in the C&J cafeteria: free Red Bull IV drips. [12/2/16 Update: Today they're still with us, and you know what that means? Just five more years and they can trade in their cubicle piss buckets for a key to the executive washroom. Lucky ducks!]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to another trip around the, um---[frantically googles “Earth” + “Revolves Around” + “Year”]---SUN! Happy birthday to my partner Michael (aka "Common Sense Mainer"). Y'know, I could delve into the ancient history archives and make him feel old by revisiting life in the Primordial Ooze of America waaaaay back on December 2, 1962…
Kennedy was president
Tuition to Harvard cost $1,250
The first Beatles song was released
Gas was 28 cents per gallon
To Kill A Mockingbird and Lawrence of Arabia were released in theatres
John Glenn orbited the earth
Average Cost of new house $12,500
The Berlin wall was fresh and new
Johnny Carson began his reign as king of late night TV
…but I won't. Too much of a cliché. Besides, the little bastard still gets carded when he buys liquor. Like, seriously carded. That's some good genes right there. So I'll just say Happy Birthday, Cutie---and many blessings on your camels.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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