From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
I wasn't even sure I was going to do a 2016 flashback series this year. Ugh. The year got off to a terrible start with the gut punch of David Bowie's death, and we just kind of schlepped our way to the finish line, leaving behind a mind-blowing number of other legends along with---for way too many humanoids---our civility and our bullshit detectors.
But then I started picking my way through the nitty gritty, and it wasn't all bad. There were some favorable court decisions, some diplomatic breakthroughs, awesome executive actions by President Obama, milestones in space, health breakthroughs, and a GOP primary season that was the nuttiest ever. So I decided the last 12 months deserved to be condensed and stuffed into a cheap time capsule with a toilet plunger and thrown off a pier.
Below the fold is the first of our four-part series called 2016: Well, That Kinda Sucked. It's a pastiche of newsy bits, gobsmacking stats, amazing pics by White House photographer Pete Souza, and the best of late-night snark. By the time you finish, you'll feel like you did when you started, except some time will have passed.
Your wormhole to the past opens up below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
Note: Part 2 of our 2016 flashback series will appear here tomorrow. Someone please notify the Pulitzer committee that they can sleep in. ---Mgt.
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Puppy pic of the day: Puppy's first peanut butter…
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C&J 2016 Flashback: January
The House and Senate convene for another session, starting with happy swearing-ins and backslapping followed by 12 months of behavior that would get any three-year-old child kicked out of daycare. As usual, a corporate billionaire brings the House session to order by banging a ceremonial gavel and yelling, "Bend over, y’all!"
North Korea claims to have exploded a hydrogen bomb. In response, everyone sticks to their time-worn scripts. White House: "One more unauthorized test like this and we're canceling your Netflix account." American neocons: "The fact that President Obama hasn't launched a dozen nukes and wiped the country off the map means he's a failed president." North Korean people: "Hey, don't look at us, we just starve here."
Just days after both his 69th birthday and the release of a rave-reviewed new album, David Bowie dies. Thousands and thousands of words are written in tribute to his career as a pop star, actor and boundary-pusher, but only four are really necessary: he was David Bowie.
A Muslim woman is escorted out of a Donald Trump rally in South Carolina over the weekend. Apparently she was making his followers inside the arena uncomfortable because she came to a Donald Trump rally with an IQ.
By the Numbers:
Percent of Americans who start the year believing abortion should be legal in most or all cases according to an AP-GfK poll, up from 51% a year ago: 58%
Tons of “enriched uranium materials” that have been shipped out of Iran in accordance with last year’s multi-nation agreement: 12.5 tons
Percent increase in the number of U.S. right-wing militia groups since 2014, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center: 37%
Number of days the most recent escape of Mexican drug lord "El Chapo" lasted: 181
Percent of gun owners, rural voters, and independents, respectively, who support President Obama's gun-safety executive orders, according to a CNN poll: 57%, 56%, 65%
Factor by which the solar industry added jobs over the last 12 months, faster than the rest of the energy industry, according to the Solar Jobs Census: 12x
In Texas guns are allowed in a state-run facility where psychologically-damaged people in serious need of medication wander around yelling gibberish. And in addition to the state legislature, guns are also now allowed in Texas psychiatric hospitals.
President Obama delivers his last State of the Union. From my notes:
» Speaker Paul Ryan sits stone-faced behind the president and doesn’t applaud. He knows that if he puts his hands together even once he’ll be Eric Cantored out of office in November.
» “If anybody still wants to dispute the science around climate change, have at it. You’ll be pretty lonely, because you’ll be debating our military, most of America’s business leaders, the majority of the American people, almost the entire scientific community, and 200 nations around the world who agree it’s a problem and intend to solve it.” [Senator Inhofe hurls snowball at Obama. It hits Ryan. Biden smirks.]
» “As we focus on destroying ISIL, over-the-top claims that this is World War III just play into their hands. Masses of fighters on the back of pickup trucks and twisted souls plotting in apartments or garages pose an enormous danger to civilians and must be stopped. But they do not threaten our national existence.” (No, that’s the Republican party’s job.)
» The state of our union is strong, no thanks to the best efforts of you idiots sitting in front of me with the elephant pins. Good night!
No mic drop. Disappointing.
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The U.S. military makes a symbolic show of force against North Korea by flying a B-52 bomber at a low altitude over South Korea. Because if there's one thing that'll scare Kim Jong Un, it's showing off a weapon that rolled off the assembly line when his grandfather was in power.
In Harney County, Oregon, residents grow increasingly pissed at Ammon Bundy's hostile takeover of the Malheur Wildlife Refuge. For their part, the domestic terrorists remain hunkered down, telling the world that they need more food and supplies. But they also say that they don't need any more dildos, a statement followed by a long period of winking.
A Democratic debate in South Carolina proves that one party's candidates have the capacity to penetrate beyond the surface of an issue. There are some sparks between Bernie and Hillary, who get the lion’s share of the time. But the winner is Martin O’Malley---the only candidate to wear a traditional American flag lapel pin. Standards, people. Standards.
Late Night Snark:
“A militia group that is protesting the U.S. government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry. It’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon.”
---Conan O'Brien
“I don’t have to spend money to make Donald Trump look dumb. He does that all by himself.”
---Bernie Sanders on The Nightly Show
"Jeb Bush has released a new ad showing clips of mean things Donald Trump has said on the campaign trail. He also released his new campaign slogan: 'I'm telling!'"
---Seth Meyers
"You know it's bad when there are more black people in the running for the Republican nomination for president than for the Academy Awards."
---Jimmy Kimmel
Scientists say there's a planet hiding behind Pluto that's ten times as massive as the earth, making it a "super earth" or "mini-Neptune." It takes an estimated 20,000 years to make a revolution around the sun. To put that in perspective, that's the same time it takes for Reaganomics to start working.
The mid-Atlantic shovels out from a historic blizzard. On Capitol Hill, the House cancels all votes because of the treacherous conditions, while the Senate cancels all votes because James Inhofe filled the chamber to the ceiling with snowballs.
In Louisiana, anti-abortion forces lose a big round as a district court judge rules that abortion providers don’t need admitting privileges at hospitals. Breathing a sigh of relief, even though they'll never admit it: conservative women and the men who don’t quite love them enough to have the kid.
President Obama announces a new rule requiring companies with over 100 employees to report pay data by gender, race and ethnicity and submit it to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission to aid investigations on employers that are "unlawfully shortchanging workers." Hooray, more parity, says Gladys in accounting. Ugh, more paperwork, says Gladys in accounting.
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February
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All eyes are on Iowa for the quadrennial presidential caucuses, an exciting ritual whereby two sides representing competing candidates shout "We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit HOW 'BOUT YOU!" until one side drops dead from dehydration. Results bestow bragging rights on a Democrat (Clinton) and a Republican (Cruz) before everyone packs up and races to New Hampshire. Breathing the biggest sigh of relief at the exodus: corn dogs.
After getting criticism for being too pokey during the Ebola scare, the World Health Organization quickly declares a global emergency over the Zika virus outbreak. Federal health officials say they can't think of any reasons to panic or stoke people's irrational fears over it. Say Republicans running for re-election: leave that to us.
President Obama welcomes the 2015 NBA champion Golden State Warriors to the White House by going one-against-seven on the basketball court and crushing them 78-24. In wingtips. But not with his eyes closed as that would be ostentatious.
Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee leave the 2016 campaign trail after losing in Iowa. Huckabee won Iowa in 2008. Santorum won Iowa in 2012. And knowing that makes 2016 winner Ted Cruz ever-so-briefly wipe that smirk off his face.
By the Numbers:
Percent chance that “there’s no doubt” the Flint crisis would’ve been fixed immediately if the city was “a wealthy white community,” according to Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI): 100%
Number of years since 2010 when the number of journalists killed worldwide has been under 100, according to the International Federation of Journalists: 0
Percent of Americans who favor recreational marijuana legalization, according to Gallup: 58%
Number of applicants for NASA's next astronaut class, a record: 18,300
Final amount Jeb! spent on his doomed presidential campaign: $130 million
Average temperature on earth in February, up 2.18 degrees above average, something NOAA scientist Jessica Blunden calls "insane": 56.08 degrees
Ammon Bundy and his gang of domestic terrorists continue their armed occupation of the Malheur wildlife refuge in Oregon, despite their indictment on federal charges in absentia. Police appear to be waiting them out, and two signs suggest they're close to surrendering: they're running low on vanilla creamer for their lattes and battery power for their sex toys.
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee---the brilliant Daily Show alum---premieres on TBS. Her male late-night competitors should be worried. Very worried.
Bernie Sanders wins the New Hampshire primary, officially tying him with Hillary Clinton at one Quidditch game apiece.
President Obama unveils his 2017 budget, including more funding for gun violence prevention and no funding for abstinence-only-until-marriage education. The Republicans immediately dismiss Obama's budget as just a liberal fantasy, and say they plan to reveal their own budget just as soon as their unicorn returns from retrieving it from the top of Bullshit Mountain.
Chris Christie bows out of the race. Also quitting is Carly Fiorina, whose legacy will be proving a woman can be just as nasty, dishonest, hyperbolic and out of touch with reality as her male GOP counterparts. For those of you keeping score, that's one corporation and two political campaigns under her management that have crashed and burned.
A half moon appears in the sky. World Net Daily accuses Barack HUSSEIN Obama of giving the other half to Satan in exchange for immortality.
Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia is dead at 79. One lesson learned from his passing is how terrible the conservative evangelists are at convincing the Almighty to smite their enemies. For years they aimed their prayers at Ginsburg. They bagged Scalia instead.
Late Night Snark:
"Ted Cruz's [Iowa] victory last night raises a lot of questions. One: can he keep this momentum going into New Hampshire? And two: just how much does it cost to move to Canada?"
---James Corden
"This has been quite a month for black people at the top of their professions. Chris Rock got a sweet gig handing out statues to white people. Political scientist Melissa Harris-Perry was emancipated from her job at MSNBC. And the first black president got told he can’t name a successor to the guy who gutted the Voting Rights Act and said that black students might be better off attending less-advanced schools. On the plus side, global warming has made February a lot less white."
---Samantha Bee on Black History Month
"In Michigan Governor Snyder's inbox of terribles, one email mentions a [Flint] resident who said she was told by a state nurse in January 2015 regarding her son's elevated blood level, ‘It's just a few IQ points…it's not the end of the world.’ I'm afraid this lead poisoning will make kids so dim they'll end up being like the governor of Michigan."
---Larry Wilmore
Stephen Colbert: You travel coach and you always travel in the middle seat. Why is that?
Bernie Sanders: Because we couldn’t get the aisle or the damn window, that's why.
---The Late Show
A new CDC study breaks down America state-by-state to reveal which of us enjoy the most sleep. Getting the least: Hawaii, Alabama and Kansas. Getting the most: South Dakota, Minnesota, and whichever state Ben Carson happens to be in at the moment.
Donald Trump suggests that the "old practice"---which was never a practice at all---of shooting Muslims with bullets dipped in pig fat could be an effective tactical option for the U.S. military. High above the earth, the diplomatic space alien ship on a peace mission slowly does a u-turn.
Former Mexican President Vicente Fox delivers a message to Trump via an interview for Fusion: "I'm not going to pay for that fucking wall." Mexico immediately adopts it as the new motto on their money.
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March
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Documents reveal that ExxonMobil knew about the looming calamities that climate change would bring, yet sat on the data while funding the climate change-denial movement to keep their fossil-fuel profits soaring. Horrified Republicans in Congress call for an immediate investigation and swift punishment. Of whoever leaked the documents.
Astronaut Scott Kelly lands successfully after spending a full year at the International Space Station. And just in time because his lawn’s a mess and his neighbor Gladys was this close to calling city hall.
Ben Carson leaves the Republican primary race. His words: "I do not see a political path forward." Which makes total sense for a candidate who could never keep his eyes open.
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders debate in in Flint, Michigan. The screaming match nearly turns into an all-out brawl when they insist that they only agree with each other "most of the time." Pundits agree that the near-unanimity is the death knell of the party.
By the Numbers
Percent of Americans who want the opening on the Supreme Court filled by an Obama nominee, whoever that may be, according to a Fox News poll: 62%
Number of miles astronauts Scott Kelly and Mikhail Kornienko traveled during their year in space experiment, circling the earth 5,440 times: 144 million
Percent of Americans who say they're very confident in the safety of their drinking water, according to an AP-GfK poll: 47%
Number of active oil and gas rigs in the U.S. in 1981 and today according to AP: 4,530 / 480
Rank of Minnesota and Nevada among state residents with the highest and lowest credit scores: #1, #50
Rank of Denmark, Switzerland and Iceland on the U.N.'s latest list of happiest countries on earth (the U.S. ranked 13th): #1, #2, #3
Phyllis Schlafly agrees with an interviewer that Donald Trump "smells like Ronald Reagan," by which everyone assumes she means “formaldehyde.”
Tears in the Daily Kos community with the news that Tricia Wyse LeFevre---aka beloved queen of the "pootie diaries" (and "Woozle Wednesdays" for dog lovers) triciawyse---has died in a North Carolina hospital. To the relief of folks looking for a stress break amid the pie fights, her readers continue the series.
Michael Bloomberg announces that he won’t be running as an independent. So everybody’s Big Gulps are safe.
In an amazing turnaround, doctors take cancer-free Jimmy Carter off his meds and put him back on his regular diet of peanut brittle and rusty nails.
Donald Trump campaigns at his swanky Trump National Doral country club in Miami. Violence breaks out when Winthorp Pendergast IV flings a spoonful of Beluga caviar at Bartholomew Abernathy III but it goes wide and lands on Buffy Rothchild's new Manolo Blahneks. Trump immediately accuses the Pendergast family of being ISIS and refuses to validate their parking.
Lord and Savior Jesus Christ returns to earth and is immediately nominated by President Obama to fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court. Republicans refuse to give him a hearing, accusing Obama of nominating a "loaves and fishes liberal."
With Marco Rubio dropping out of the primary race after spending $327,400 for each of the 168 delegates he amassed, we now know two things: 1) "President Obama knows exactly what he’s doing" and 2) Marco Rubio does not.
In one of the most historic moments of his presidency, Barack Obama officially ends hostilities with the Castro government by flying to Cuba. And, boy, are his arms tired.
Late Night Snark
“It was a critical Super Tuesday for the Republican Party. Donald Trump won seven states. Of course, the seven states that Donald Trump won were shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama.”
---James Corden
“Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as ‘dangerous and bigoted.’ She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately.”
---Conan O'Brien
Clip of Mitt Romney: "Whatever happened to Trump Airlines? How about Trump University? And then there's Trump magazine, and Trump Vodka, and Trump Steaks, and Trump Mortgage. A business genius he is not."
Stephen Colbert: "True. Trump has put his name on some terrible investments. For example, four years ago he endorsed Mitt Romney for president."
---The Late Show
Clip of Sen. Mitch McConnell: This [Supreme Court] vacancy should not be filled until we have a new president.
Samantha Bee: Yes. Because what better way to honor America 's greatest champion of original intent than by wiping your obstructionist ass with the very document that he held so dear. … Let's just have a vacancy for a year because some chinless dildo wants a justice who will use his gavel to plug up your abortion hole.
---Full Frontal
A massive corporate backlash occurs when North Carolina Republicans pass HB-2, which forbids municipalities from enacting pro-LGBT-rights ordinances and requires transgender people to use the bathroom of the gender that's on their birth certificate. It's all part of the new GOP outreach strategy known as "Trickle-down assholery."
Federal agents discover a massive tunnel underneath the U.S. Mexican border that spans the length of four football fields. An enraged Donald Trump responds: "The wall just got ten feet taller!"
Maine's "moderate" Republican Senator Susan Collins says she's "perplexed" by Mitch McConnell's obstruction of Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland. Thus adding to the ever-expanding list of other things she's perplexed by, including the rise of the tea party, gerunds, lighter-than-air machines and the VCR in her living room that's been flashing "12:00" since 1992.
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Tomorrow: the thrilling conclusion!!!*
*But only the conclusion of the first half of the year. Sorry to be the bearer of such bad news.
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