Donald Trump wants to be president. For this to happen, Donald Trump needs the votes of the evangelical right. Therefore, Donald Trump needs to find Jesus. Like, immediately.
Fortunately, ever-awkward Trump surrogate Dr. Ben Carson—who not only has found Jesus, but has the oil-painted selfies to prove it—tells the anti-LGBT hate group Family Research Council that Trump is making fine progress.
“Donald Trump is actually making some sincere effort now to strengthen his spiritual life, and I know that for a fact,” Carson said. “He’s starting to pray and talk about things that he never would have been dealing with previously. I think it’s having an impact. I think you’re gonna see somebody who is a little less self-centered and starting to think about others and the tremendous responsibility that comes with the position that he’s seeking.”
Donald Trump knows he's an asshole. Donald Trump knows he's a self-centered sociopath who needs to make a concerted mental effort to even pretend to care about someone other than himself. But he's working on that, damn it. He's gonna pray, and then it's gonna happen, and then you bastards are all going to vote for him like you're supposed to.
Who even has the energy for this? Watching Donald Trump run for office—trouncing every other conservative, whether they be Jesus-filled or policy wonks or legacy admissions put on stage as a favor to their old man—has stripped every political function and political tradition to its bare metal frame. “Oh, you want a religious man? I can do that. Don't like Muslims? Hell, I've never liked them! I am smart because I say so. The other guys are dumb because I say so. If businesses want tax cuts they'll get tax cuts, if deficit hawks want balanced budgets they'll get that too, if you like your Obamacare but hate your Obamacare you can dump it and keep it at the same time.”
Forget whether Donald Trump is really as rich as he says he is—it’s hard to believe he's even a real person. He might just be a Speak & Spell shoved into a large rubber suit. But now it’s a religious one, because that's what his handlers have announced.