Okay, this is fucking hilarious. Let’s start with the headline:
That was a thing. Really. Right wingers had convinced themselves that Hillary Clinton had one step in the grave. You don’t believe me, watch this.
(Voting time is here, request your absentee ballot here! Vote early, then spend the rest of your time getting other people to vote!)
The recap starts conventionally enough (for conservatives), if written in the style of a 4th grade book report:
Fifteen minutes into the debate, and things are off to a relatively slow start with both candidates moving cautiously. Then Donald Trump began to assert himself while talking about his plan to bring jobs back to America. Lester Holt tried multiple times to steer the conversation but Trump wouldn’t budge. Hillary was obviously very well rehearsed, but with the same, tired old talking points she has been saying for years without ever delivering on them. I remember her campaign for senator some years ago where she made incredible promises that never materialized.
Incredible promises. Tremendous. The best! But that’s about it, as the writer succumbs to the Alex Jones conspiracy worldview:
Her Parkinson’s meds seem to be serving her well so far, as she seems low key but fairly stable. Trump is obviously the more vociferous candidate, with Hillary trying to catch up.
Parkinson’s meds. Got it. And “vociferous” is an interesting synonym for “boorish asshole.” I accept it.
DEBATE TIMELINE: 9:31PM – 9:45PM
Hillary showed her first head-wobble of the evening, and her eyes began to glass over slightly.
A “head wobble,” ONE OF THEM! Compare to:
Or this, which we put together:
But hey, she wobbled that one time (even though she didn’t). Seriously, find that wobble. And then compare to whatever the fuck you call Trump’s bobblehead performance.
Lester Holt asked Trump why he hasn’t released tax records, and Trump swatted him away and continued to hammer ahead on his key points from his rallies. Trump got the first crowd outburst of the evening by saying he would “release his tax returns when Hillary released her 33,000 deleted emails”. Hillary fired back by accusing Trump of not paying any Federal Income tax, and saying Trump is “hiding something”. Trump tells Hillary that her illegal email server “was not a mistake but it was deliberate” deception. So far no major mistakes or no knockout blows on either side. Hillary now accusing Trump of refusing to pay his contractors.
Nothing happened! Except Trump saying it was “business” to fuck over people who lost their jobs and homes and use bankruptcy laws to avoid paying people for the work they did. Not a mistake, nope! Also not a mistake? Admitting that he paid no taxes. And the other not-a-mistake? Dismissing the claims that he didn’t pay his contractors because maybe they didn’t do their jobs (which they did). Wow, so many major mistakes that didn’t happen!
Also, is rambling on and on about how “underleveraged” he is count as a mistake?
DEBATE TIMELINE: 9:46PM – 9:59PM
Lester Holt asked about race. Hillary brought up recent racial shootings, chastising the police who she said need to do more. She then segued into gun control, and said that “gun violence” is the problem. Trump’s 2 minutes focused on the need for law and order. Hillary’s eyes getting glassier and she looks a little tired.
Sane people noted that Trump became increasingly unhinged as the night wore on, while Clinton was incredibly rock-steady the entire night. In the alternate conservative universe, this is where she almost passed out, with those increasingly “glassy” eyes getting more and more glassy, apparently.
Note also the harping on gun control, which is obviously a concern for conservatives. But then notice the lack of mention of Trump’s stop-and-frisk advocacy, with the intention of rounding up guns. But that’s black people guns, which clearly have zero Second Amendment implications.
She kept coming back to the need to remove guns from the “hands of those who will do harm.” Trump fires back by reminding people of Hillary’s use of the term “super predator.“ Trump talks about his heavy speaking schedule, and how Hillary “stayed home a lot.” Lester Holt asks Trump about his support for the Birther Movement, and he responds with the fact that Sidney Blumenthal, who works for Hillary’s campaign, actually started the Birther controversy.
Ha ha, remember when Trump criticized Clinton for preparing for the job to be president? That was awesome! Weird, no mention of the huge crowd reaction she got for that slam, either. Let’s relive that moment:
So … how glassy do those eyes look to you?
DEBATE TIMELINE: 10:00PM – 10:15PM
Hillary attempts to go for the throat by calling Trump a racist. Trump fires back by reminding Hillary how badly she treated Obama when she ran against him in 2008. Trump also reminds people how he broke down racial barriers in Palm Beach country clubs. Hillary slurs her words for just a moment, she seems to be losing steam and focus rapidly. During segment on cyber-security Trump brought up what the hack of DNC emails revealed about the scheme to rob Bernie Sanders of the nomination.
Hillary “slurs her words”! Except don’t ask him to point out which words were slurred. She loses steam and focus? Wishful thinking. But note how bought-in they are on the fiction of Clinton’s health. They really think it’s something, and that somehow it’ll pay off for them. The rest of the world scratches their head and wonders what the hell they’re talking about. I mean, this is from his own advisers:
Even as Mr. Trump’s advisers publicly backed him on Tuesday and praised his debate performance, they were privately awash in second-guessing about why he stopped attacking Mrs. Clinton on trade and character issues and instead grew erratic, impatient and subdued as the night went on.
On the other hand, I’d forgotten about Trump’s clumsy attempt to appeal to Bernie supporters, so that was good for an unexpected chuckle. And if you really want a chuckle, go back and read Trump’s answer to the cybersecurity question:
As far as the cyber, I agree to parts of what Secretary Clinton said [...] So we have to get very, very tough on cyber and cyber warfare. It is — it is a huge problem. I have a son. He's 10 years old. He has computers. He is so good with these computers, it's unbelievable. The security aspect of cyber is very, very tough. And maybe it's hardly doable.
The cyber ha ha. The cyber.
Okay, back to the loon:
DEBATE TIMELINE: 10:16PM – 10:30PM
Trump says Hillary and Obama started ISIS by withdrawing troops too soon from Iraq. Hillary blamed Bush. Seriously. She did.
Holy crap. These people don’t realize that it was George W. Bush who negotiated the terms of the US withdrawal from Iraq? They don’t realize that keeping our troops in beyond that period would amount to a second declaration of war agains the Iraq, this time against the regime we installed?
You know who wouldn’t have allowed ISIS to take hold? Saddam Hussein, that’s who. Shit happens when you destabilize entire regions.
Trump says NATO needs to pay their fair share. While there are no knockout blows so far, Trump is clearly in control.
Ha ha ha ha! Let’s remember the words of Trump’s own handler: he “grew erratic, impatient and subdued as the night went on.”
Hillary brings up the Iran Nuclear Treaty hoax that Obama forced on America, calls Trump a warmonger who can’t be trusted with nuclear codes. Trump says Hillary unable to deal with Russia, calls Iran Nuclear Treaty a mess.
Trump closed with “Hillary has experience…but it’s bad experience”. Best shot of the night.
The end! Or so this guy pretends.
It shouldn’t be surprising that 3rd grade taunts (“she’s bad!”) impress this moron, but really, that wasn’t the closing of the night. The closing of the night dealt with Alicia Machado, and with Trump going off on his wild-eyed rant about Rosie O’Donnell deserving it and no one feeling sorry for her and how mean Clinton was for airing those “tremendous” ads against him.
But yeah, if you’re trying to create an alternate reality, you can also skip that whole Iraq War stuff, because do you really want to admit that your original support for the Iraq War is now considered so fucking stupid, that the candidates—include the Republican—are arguing over who supported it the least? ASK HANNITY! ASK HANNITY! ASK HANNITY! (Repeat four more times.)
Or how about glossing over Trump’s trade protectionism? For a movement that has been parroting its free-trade stance as holy orthodoxy forever, it’s interesting how they suddenly pretend Trump’s economic populism doesn’t exist.
But ultimately, they were praying for Clinton to stumble and fall, since they believed the nonsense they read on Breitbart and heard out of Trump’s mouth. And when that didn’t happen? Crickets. Let’s blame Lester Holt for that too, I guess. And why are they so obsessed with this? Imagine just how stupid the comments to that post must be. This stupid:
If she is ill, then the PEOPLE will not choose the President. The Government Officials (whoever they are) will choose for us. If you have children or hope to in the future, think for them now. What future will Hillary take us to? If you will know beyond a doubt that your children will be free and not slaves to Washington for your needs, then go ahead stand by your lady.
So pray tell, how are we supposed to debate a crowd that doesn’t even know what a fucking vice president is?