From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark Documents the Derp
“The president decided to hold an impromptu press conference, and it was a sight to see. It reminded me of something you’d see before a pay-per-view boxing event. … The tone of the press conference was like if your dad found a pack of cigarettes under your mattress.”
---Jimmy Kimmel
“Did you hear him? He said he’s not ranting and raving, but again, what president hasn’t had to say ‘I’m not ranting and raving’? Who can forget Lincoln’s tirade at Gettysburg? Or FDR’s fireside meltdowns? And, of course, Ronald Reagan famously saying, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, if you don’t tear down this fucking wall, I’m going to lose my shit!’”
---Seth Meyers
Trump at his press conference: “To be honest, I inherited a mess.”
Stephen Colbert: “No. You inherited a fortune. We elected a mess.”
---The Late Show
"At an international tennis match, U.S. officials accidentally played the Nazi national anthem. White House adviser Steve Bannon was outraged and said, 'We’re not rolling that out till August! C’mon!'"
---Conan O'Brien
"The White House 'counseled' Kellyanne Conway after she violated a federal ethics rule by promoting Ivanka Trump's clothing line on Fox News. Counseled? Her job title is literally ‘Counselor to the President.’ So Trump's White House is so dysfunctional his counselor needs a counselor. That's like your Uber driver asking you to get out and push."
---Michael Che, SNL
And eight years ago…
"How about President Barack Obama's first prime time press conference last night? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I'm thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?”
---David Letterman
Yeah. Whatever shall we do with that boring brainiac POTUS?
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 17, 2017
Note: Man on tractor swallowed whole by Grammy-winning pop singer. Our exclusive interview with the farmer in Adele, tonight on Eyewitness News.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the special election in Georgia's 6th congressional district: 60
Days 'til the Almond Blossom Festival in Ripon, California: 8
Public support for keeping guns out of the hands of the mentally ill, according to a recent Quinnipiac poll: 88%
Weekly unemployment claims, the 102nd straight week under 300k and a sign of the continued residual strength of the Obama recovery, according to the Labor Dept: 239,000
Percent of Iowans who want full funding of Planned Parenthood to continue, according to a Des Moines Register poll: 77%
Percent of registered voters who believe it's not appropriate for Trump to criticize judges regarding the travel ban ruling, according to a Politico-Morning Consult poll: 55%
Factor by which Millennials are more likely to text behind the wheel compared to other age groups, according to a new AAA study: 1.6x
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
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JEERS to Stumpy the stumpman. Bored with the presidenting part of being president, Donald J. Trump will head back out on the campaign trail tomorrow to kick off his "Lord Dampnut 2020" re-election effort:
The rally, to be held in an airplane hangar in Melbourne, Fla., is an indication that Mr. Trump, who has sometimes felt isolated in the White House, is eager to get outside of Washington and relive the rapturous reception that greeted him during the presidential campaign.
Mr. Trump exulted in large crowds assembled at cavernous venues throughout his 2016 bid, and spent the first days of his presidency quibbling over how many Americans attended his inauguration. […] It will be his third weekend in a row on Florida’s Gold Coast.
The rally comes at a precarious time for Mr. Trump, as his White House is reeling from personnel turmoil and has yet to score any legislative victories.
Daily Kos's brilliant resident curmudgeon Armando plans to be there, and I expect he'll have a lot of company from the resistance movement. (Reserve your tickets here.) Don’t forget to wear comfortable shoes, and when you're chanting "Lock him up! Lock him up!" be sure to project from the diaphragm.
JEERS to another rat jumping ship. Over the course of a week President Trump has been a near-total loser. In no particular order, he’s lost: travel ban court cases, his national security adviser and his replacement, six staffers who failed FBI background checks, his Labor Secretary nominee, his ability to control leaks, and any shred of a ratings "honeymoon period." Now, adding insult to injury, he's close to losing his ideological twin here in Maine, our idiot governor Paul LePage:
LePage told Newsradio WGAN Thursday that he thinks that Trump should be told the "TV show's over" and stop treating what he sees as a power struggle among Trump's top aides as a reality show competition.
CNN reported on the remarks Thursday evening.
LePage told the station he is concerned there are too many cooks in the kitchen among Trump's aides and that the President needs to assert authority among top aides Kellyanne Conway, Chief of Staff Reince Priebus and senior adviser Steve Bannon. […]
"Everybody's fighting to be that number one person. You're gonna have a lot of slip ups. … We got to tell him that the TV show's over and he's gotta move on now."
Yeah. Trump will get right on that. Right after he googles, "Who the fuck is Paul LePage again?"
CHEERS to stalling for America's future. 176 years ago tomorrow, on February 18, 1841, the first continuous filibuster in the U.S. Senate began. It lasted until March 11. naturally, for details on major historical events my go-to source is A History of Drinking (which includes a delightful Filibuster Cocktail):
This filibuster, though not the absolute first (it occurred in 1837), began over Senator Henry Clay’s bill to charter the Second Bank of the United States. Senator William King threatened a filibuster when Senator Clay tried to end debate via majority vote. King stated that Clay “may make his arrangements at his boarding house for the winter.” Other Senators sided with King, and Clay eventually backed down. The word “filibuster” was derived from the Dutch word meaning “pirate.”
One thing we'll never have to worry about---a politician running out of words.
CHEERS to hell freezing over. Organized labor scored a big victory in New Hampshire this week. A bill that would've weakened unions---one of those Orwellian-named "Right to work" laws---died in the House. And for that we have Democrats to thank, right? Ummm…not entirely. This is where the "hell freezing over" part comes in:
With a Republican majority in the State House and a Republican governor, the pieces appeared to be in place for passage, but in the end, the bill lost by 23 votes.
The House then voted to indefinitely postpone the measure, meaning no similar bills can be debated for the next two years. […]
In the end, more than two-dozen Republican House members joined with the Democratic minority to tilt the scales, and while Speaker of the House Shawn Jasper said he's disappointed, he's not surprised. …Whether this divides the Republican majority in Concord moving forward remains to be seen, but the vote indicates that organized labor remains strong in New Hampshire.
And in other news, Republicans in Washington are in the process of gutting the Endangered Species Act, so they can finally eliminate a variety of rare, pesky critters that are standing in the way of their agenda. Like the bumble bee, the monarch butterfly, and the sane Republican.
CHEERS to legal libations. On this date in 1933, the U.S. Senate passed the Blaine Act, which effectively ended prohibition. Who says Christmas comes in December?
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are some of the offerings that may show up this weekend on your Satan-controlled talking picture box.:
On HBO's Real Time tonight, Bill Maher takes leave of his senses by lending his credibility to that Nazi freak Milo Yiannohitler, but it'll be good to see Larry Wilmore on the tube again. New home video releases include the Oscar-nominated "adult sci-fi thriller" (read: tedious, schmaltzy and overlong) Arrival and the critically-acclaimed The Edge of Seventeen. Tomorrow night you'll want to catch the premiere of Planet Earth II on BBC America. Sorry, no SNL for the next two weekends, although that'll be a relief to the stooges in the White House. The NHL schedule is here. The NBA all-star game---Eastern Conference versus Western Conference---is Sunday at 8pm (TNT). North Korea is the focus of a 60 Minutes segment on Sunday, along with allegations of sexual assault in the U.S. National Gymnastics team. On The Simpsons, Springfield marvels at the revelation that Homer is a chess savant. There's a special 90th anniversary retrospective about the NBC network Sunday at 8 (I forget which network it's on). And later at 11 John Oliver does that John Oliver thing he does on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
ThisWeek: Bob Harward, the guy who turned down Trump’s invitation to be his new national security adviser; the new Mutt & Jeff duo of Robby Mook and Corey Lewandowsi.
Face the Nation: Congressman Elijah Cummings (D-MD); Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC); Reince Priebus’s last interview before he gets shit-canned next week; Congressman devin Nunes (R-CA).
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ); retired general Jim Jones; Gov. John kasich (R-OH); rising Democratic star jason Kander of Missouri; falling Republican star Rick Santorum of God’s Kingdom.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rush Limbaugh. Please...control your enthusiasm.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 17, 2007
CHEERS to the evolution revolution. Good news from Kansas: after being mocked by the entire planet, the state's school board has enacted new science textbook guidelines that "reflect mainstream scientific views of evolution and represent a political defeat for advocates of 'intelligent design'." Before you celebrate yourself into a tizzy, remember that the standards have switched back and forth five times in eight years, meaning the ID crowd will undoubtedly try to stage a comeback. We’ll be waiting with our giant butterfly nets.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a sure sign of spring. Pardon my French, but fuck the groundhog. (Oops…I think I just made Rick Santorum faint.) I feel warmer already, knowing that full-squad workouts for the Boston Red Sox started today. This year the elephant in the room for the Sox is actually the one that's not in the room:
No team this winter lost a bigger bat or a bigger personality than Boston did when [David "Big Papi"] Ortiz retired. Spring training will provide some answers as to how the Red Sox will replace Ortiz, both in the clubhouse and on the field.
The team now belongs to Mookie Betts and Xander Bogaerts, though it’s difficult to imagine either one pulling the team together in the dugout in the middle of a World Series game to rally the troops. In that regard, Ortiz will not be replaced; the vibe will just become very different.
If I understand the rules of baseball correctly, I believe what we're looking for is what's popularly known as stomping the other teams into the dirt on our way to the World Series. To coin a phrase, may Boston fans get bored with all the winning.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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