From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
[Poink!] The First Late Night Snark of Spring Sproings…
"What a week for our poor president. He's been bombing harder than Mike Huckabee at an open-mic night, and his Republican friends can't get out the door fast enough, fuck the two-drink minimum."
---Samantha Bee
"FBI Director James Comey confirmed that the agency is examining possible ties between Russia and President Trump’s campaign. … However, Comey refused to say whether Trump himself was being investigated. It’s part of his policy not to comment on ongoing investigations that don’t involve Hillary Clinton."
---Jimmy Fallon
“Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting an office in the White House in addition to security clearance and government-issued communication devices. Even more unbelievable, so is Donald Trump.”
---Seth Meyers
"[Attorney General] Sessions spoke out against the trend of legalized marijuana, saying: 'I am astonished to hear people suggest that we can solve our heroin crisis by legalizing marijuana, so people can trade one life-wrecking dependency for another that's only slightly less awful.' Sure. Marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, like how burning your tongue on hot cocoa is only slightly less awful than being set on fire."
---Stephen Colbert
“Today the House Republicans were furiously working to get enough votes to pass the health care bill to replace Obamacare. ... Right now, it’s not looking good. The bill is basically on life support. And like most things on life support, Republicans will probably deny it coverage.”
---James Corden
Ding dong, Trumpcare is dead. Long live Obamacare. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 24, 2017
Note: A quick heads-up that C&J will be off on Monday due to mandated weekend recuping and an early Monday morning appointment to start driving our oncology team crazy with special targeted oncology fart jokes. Back on Tuesday and lord willing the rest of the week. Thanks for your patience. Tonight the C&J open bar is offering the IV drip of your choice.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Easter: 23
Days 'til the Phoenix LGBT Pride Festival and Parade: 8
Percent of Germans who believed the U.S. "is a trustworthy ally” last November and last month, respectively, according to the ARD media group: 59%, 22%
Estimated percent of the 150,000 Fukushima residents who were forced to evacuate from the tsunami and nuclear-reactor meltdown six years ago who still can’t return home, according to AP: 50%
Number of Trump "University" enrollees who just filed to get their money back as part of the $25 million settlement Trump has to pay: 3,700
Odds of randomly picking a perfect NCAA bracket, according to some web site: 1 in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808
Percent chance that the NCAA is still a horrible organization that puts profits above students: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: For the win...
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CHEERS to the best death panel in the world. Wow---what an amazing turn of events, as a torrent of public opposition scared the Republican quacks right out of their surgical gowns. The oxymoronic "Trump Care" bill was killed late this afternoon when it became clear that there were more "nay" votes than"aye" votes and, to Trump’s horror, no electoral college to swoop in and save it. So decency prevails as millions of Americans---[raises hand]---breathe a sigh of relief knowing that they won’t lose their ACA coverage. And if a picture says a thousand words, I'll just leave this one here:
As for the biggest loser: failed Speaker Paul Ryan will spend the weekend suckin' Blatz from his college beer hat and cussing out "that numbskull Tiny Hands" as he burns his Power Point presentation booklets in a barrel out in the parking lot. I’ll pay a thousand bucks for anyone who captures the moment on video.
CHEERS to walkin' the walk. On tomorrow’s date in 1965---a few weeks after "Bloody Sunday" during which police set upon peaceful civil rights marchers with fire hoses, clubs and dogs---Martin Luther King, Jr. led thousands of marchers to the State Capitol in Montgomery for a rally. Looked something like this (that's Congressman John Lewis second from the left):
The marchers got three things out of it: Lyndon Johnson's signing of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, a permanent place in civil rights history and, much less publicized, aching bunions.
CHEERS to embracing the dark side. Don’t forget to turn off your lights (yes, including your lava lamp) tomorrow night and join the world in going dark for the World Wildlife Federation's annual Earth Hour:
On Saturday 25 March 8:30 p.m. local time, skylines around the globe will go dark as millions unite to celebrate WWF’s Earth Hour and shine a light on climate action.
From the Eiffel Tower to Taipei 101 and the Empire State Building to the Acropolis, thousands of landmarks will switch off their lights in solidarity as individuals, communities and organizations worldwide deliver on their potential to help change climate change, the planet’s biggest environmental challenge yet.
2017 marks the tenth anniversary of Earth Hour which started as a symbolic event in Sydney in 2007. “We started Earth Hour to make a statement. Never did we imagine that we would be writing a dramatic new story for climate action where each individual can help turn the page toward a sustainable, climate-resilient future for all,” said Siddarth Das, Executive Director of Earth Hour Global.
Give it a try! You'll save a little juice, save a little scratch, join the rest of the planet in a good cause, and as a special bonus you'll experience what happens inside a Republican's head when someone asks them to come up with a good idea to fight climate change.
JEERS to the dark ages of labor exploitation. Tomorrow is the 106th anniversary of the Triangle Shirtwaist fire that, in 18 minutes, killed 146 garment workers in New York City. The workers in that shithole had gone on strike a couple years earlier for better pay and safety improvements, but management decided that, no, we'd rather be dicks. And as so often happens, it took a catastrophe to finally wake people up. In her centennial anniversary column six years ago, Laura Clawson wrote:
We don't…have fire alarms and sprinklers and adequate exits and other workplace protections because big employers want us to have them.
We don't have them solely because of tragedy. We have them because workers have joined together and fought for them. In 1911, workers' struggle was the context that made the Triangle fire something other than a meaningless accident, that showed a way to prevent similar tragedies. […]
"Government regulations" and "workplace safety laws" sound like dry terms,but this is what they're about: nothing less than people's lives. And that is something to remember when you hear the likes of Scott Walker and John Kasich arguing that employers oughtn't be bound by those pesky government regulations.
See also too: Rick Snyder, Flint lead-poisoning crisis.
JEERS to the heel behind the wheel. Could Donald Trump have looked any more awkward yesterday hauling his gelatinous carcass into the cab of a semi and toot-tooting the horn before meeting with trucking company drivers and CEOs to promote his awesome---now failed---plan to take away their health insurance? While he thought he looked like a brawny tough guy behind the wheel, this is what most people saw:
Nevertheless, it was a moment for the record books: the first time in his life he called something a big rig that actually was.
CHEERS to those meddling maple leafers. On today's date in 1837---78 years before our Supreme Court finally cleared a "theoretically"-unobstructed path to the voting booth---the ever-sensible Canadians gave black people the right to vote. It happened in Nova Scotia, where government-designated black communities were settled. And although they still weren’t fully included in government decision-making, it gave them the impetus to develop their own ideas on leadership. During the next century Canada would beat us by two years in letting the womenfolk cast ballots. But when it comes to putting idiots on the ballot, our Republicans clean their clock. Stick that in a can 'o Molson and sit on it, eh.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are some of the haps on the teevee this weekend. Start with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow, who will have tons of health care and Russiagate unpacking to do. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher jawbones with Hayes, along with Rep. Ted Lieu (D-CA), historian Timothy Snyder, conservative asshole Matt Schlapp, and conservative oddball Louise Mensch
New home video releases include the Michael Fassbender-Jeremy Irons actioner Assassin's Creed and the animated hit Sing. NCAA hoops continue this weekend---the women's bracket is here and the men's bracket is here. The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. Planet Earth II airs its final mind-boggling episode Saturday night at 9 on BBC America. SNL is a rerun so you'll have to do your own Trump-Sean Spicer skits in your living room Saturday night. (Our downstairs neighbors are not going to be happy.) And 60 Minutes investigates the "fake news" phenomenon and new data beamed back by the Mars rover Curiosity. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Former SecState George Schultz; kickass Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); Sen. Tom Cotton; Rep. Trey “Howdy” Gowdy (R-Briarpatch County);
CNN's State of the Union: Bernie!!! Plus Rep. Debbie Dingell (D-MI)
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Iraqi prime minister Haider al-Abadi.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 24, 2007
CHEERS to gabfests denied. Looks like the FCC is going ahead with plans to ban cellphone calls on planes. Good. Now I can listen to the screaming children in peace.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Friday night fun wipey happy time! Time to play a game I created seven years ago this week…you'll love it! I call it "President...or Hand Towel?" The rules are simple: just watch the clip below and then decide whether Bill Clinton is a president…or a hand towel:
If you guessed president and hand towel, you win an extra helping of disgust at George W. Bush. Lucky you.
Have a great weekend, and thank you for all your support and kind words this week. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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