From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Friday Night Obama-Ha-Has
Knowing full well that his lack of Barack Obama's comic timing is surpassed only by his lack of Obama's intellect, charm, empathy, honesty and stamina, Donald Trump will fail to show up this weekend at the White House Correspondents Dinner. So, to fill the void that's admittedly as tiny as Trump's hands, enjoy some barbs from the master through the years…
2009 ”Dick Cheney was supposed to be here but he’s very busy working on his memoirs, tentatively titled: How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People.”
2010 "A few weeks ago I was able to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. I don't know if you saw it, but I threw it a little high and a little outside. This is how FOX News covered it: President panders to extreme left-wing of batter box."
2011 “Where is the National Public Radio table? You guys are still here? I know you were a little tense when the GOP tried to cut your funding, but personally I was looking forward to new programming like No Things Considered or Wait, Wait…Don't Fund Me.”
2012 "Congress and I have certainly had our differences---yet I’ve tried to be civil, to not take any cheap shots. And that’s why I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight."
2013 "I know CNN has taken some knocks lately. But the fact is, I admire their commitment to cover all sides of a story just in case one of them happens to be accurate."
2014 "I'm feeling sorry, believe it or not, for the Speaker of the House. These days, the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me, which means orange really is the new black."
2015 “Just this week, Michele Bachmann predicted I would bring about the biblical end of days. Now that’s a legacy. That’s big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington, they didn’t do that.”
2016 “And then there’s Ted Cruz. Ted had a tough week. He went to Indiana---Hoosier country. Stood on a basketball court and called the hoop a ‘basketball ring.’ What else is in his lexicon? Baseball sticks? Football hats? But sure, I’m the foreign one.”
I don’t give two coconuts if they're doing a WHCD this year or not. But I know Samantha Bee is doing an alternate one tomorrow night at 10 on TBS (and a version with all the cuss words un-bleeped on twitter at 11). That’ll be worth a look.
And a quick reminder that the current registration-rate tier for August's Netroots Nation convention in Atlanta will evaporate at midnight tonight. So if you're planning to go, you still have a few hours to save some green before the rate goes up. Click here for the registration page. As a bonus, Nolan Treadway will give you a piggyback ride from the airport.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 28, 2017
Note: Next week C&J will be posting Tuesday through Friday, which is a 33% increase from this week's schedule. Yes, we absorb the chemo and pass the savings on to you! ---Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the second round of the French election (Macron vs. Le Pen): 9
Days 'til the Cottonwood Art Festival in Texas: 8
Percent more likely that U.S. Adults who are Hindus, Jews,and Muslims, respectively, have post-secondary educations versus Christians, according to Pew Research: 96%, 75%, 54%
Minimum number of international labor violations found in a Chinese factory where Ivanka Trump brand clothes are made: 24
Rainfall measured in Seattle between October and April, the wettest period there since 1895: 44.7"
Number of jobs in the arts and culture industry in Maine, which adds $765 million to the state's economy, according to The Portland Press Herald: 16,000
Minimum number of copies of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance that author Robert Persig sold (after being rejected by 121 publishers) since 1974 and before he died this week at 88 in South Berwick, Maine: 5 million
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Tomorrow is Adopt A Shelter Dog Day. This is not an official C&J endorsement of this company, just a polite nod to a cute ad:
-
CHEERS to vindication. Not only is ratings ass-kicker Rachel Maddow doing some ace reporting on the White House-Russia scandal (with an extra dollop of flaming Flynn fanny this week), but her so-called "lame stunt" of showing those two supposedly-worthless pages of 2005 Trump tax returns has now borne some consequential fruit. Thanks to her (and David Cay Johnston), those tax forms are revealing something about Trump's paper-thin tax-cuts-for-the-rich grift he unveiled this week. Writes Media Matters:
[A]s [NYT's Neil] Irwin demonstrates, Trump’s “leaked 2005 tax return” provides the best available evidence of the impact Trump’s proposal will have on his own wallet.
For that, we have MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and The Daily Beast’s David Cay Johnston to thank. It is a vindication for Maddow in particular, who was widely criticized by political reporters for the way in which she revealed documents that none of them had been able to obtain. […]
As to the revelation’s content, as The Washington Post’s Erik Wemple noted, “The president wants to abolish the part of the tax code that stings him the hardest. In what news world is that not a bombshell?” With the White House’s release of a tax proposal that eliminates that part of the tax code, Maddow’s bombshell is more important than ever.
Slightly OT: Can you imagine being the bee that tries to sting Trump? You’d be dead of spray-on-tan poisoning in seconds. We'll send fresh nectar blooms to the funeral, you poor son of a bitch.
CHEERS to cool science. Not content with boring old orbits or the occasional landing on a planet, NASA is now steppin' up their game. They're goin' raaaaaad on the universe whooooooo!!! Their badass Cassini spacecraft---full fuckin’ Rasta, man, with the half-cocked ballcap, dreds, baggy pants and outta-my-way-Gramps attitude ("This is not your father's Curiosity")---is perfomin' sick acid-drops and hill bombs through the rings of freaking Saturn at total vert, man…
NASA. Fucking badass.
JEERS to words that bite back. Fifty years ago today, on April 28, 1967, General William Westmoreland said that the U.S. "would prevail in Vietnam." The producer of Laugh-In politely replied: "Please quit stealing our jokes."
CHEERS to suing the friendly skies. Yesterday it was announced that Dr. David Dao reached a settlement with United Airlines over his mistreatment by security officers that left him bruised, bloodied, concussed, and in need of a note for Santa reading, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth that those goons knocked out"…
“We are pleased to report that United and Dr. Dao have reached an amicable resolution of the unfortunate incident that occurred aboard flight 3411. We look forward to implementing the improvements we have announced, which will put our customers at the center of everything we do,” United said in a statement.
“Dr. Dao has become the unintended champion for the adopting of changes which will certainly help improve the lives of literally millions of travelers,” said Thomas Demetrio, one of Dao’s two lawyers. “I sincerely hope that all other airlines make similar changes and follow United’s lead in helping to improve the passenger flying experience with an emphasis on empathy, patience, respect and dignity.”
In addition to promised reforms at the airline, Dao will receive, ironically, a boatload of cash.
CHEERS to #5. Happy 259th birthday to President James Monroe---the last Founding Father to occupy the White House. He creeped people out by wearing his revolution-era clothing and a powdered wig at a time when doing so was long out of style. He also told Europe and Russia to keep their paws off the west and then sucked up to the AARP by snagging Florida. And then there was this bit of insanity (From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien):
Secretary of the Treasury William Crawford once came calling on the president with a stack of patronage recommendations, all of which Monroe rejected.
Enraged, Crawford threw a temper tantrum and demanded to know whom Monroe intended to appoint; the president replied it was none of Crawford's damn business.
Crawford snapped and actually advanced on the chief executive with his cane raised, calling Monroe a "damned infernal old scoundrel." Monroe then stepped to the fireplace, seized a pair of fire tongs, and chased his secretary of the treasury from the Executive Mansion.
Historians call it "The night Monroe went mad." Fox News calls it "Ratings gold whenever Hannity does it."
JEERS to a gathering of trigger-happy goons. If you live in the vicinity of Atlanta, keep your head down this weekend. Your city is being overrun with the nuttiest of the gun nuts during this weekend's NRA annual meeting. How ironic that, despite being around tens of thousands of "good guys with guns," the organization is scared shitless about, well, being around tens of thousands of "good guys with guns”...
President Donald Trump wants National Rifle Association members to be allowed to carry guns almost anytime, any place in the United States, except when he's in the room.
The president is set to speak at the NRA's annual leadership meeting today in Atlanta, where the U.S. Secret Service has banned carrying guns during Trump's appearance, multiple sources confirm.
"The Secret Service works closely with our local law enforcement partners in each state to ensure a safe environment for our protectees and the public," the agency told CNN in a statement. "Individuals determined to be carrying firearms will not be allowed past a predetermined outer perimeter checkpoint, regardless of whether they possess a ticket to the event."
And what a lineup! Wayne LaPierre (of course), Trump, Ted Cruz, Allen West, FL Gov. Rick Scott, OH Sen. Rob Portland, Kellyanne Conway, Hank Williams Jr., Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, and every Billy Bob and Corabelle who believes Obama is a secret Muslim who is still hellbent on coming for their blued-metal death penises. This year they're having a special contest: whoever correctly guesses how many guns people accidentally leave in the port-a-potties wins---wait for it---a free gun!!!
JEERS to Nazi Nuptials. With Russian artillery booming in the background, Adolf and Eva got hitched in der Fuhrerbunker 72 years ago tomorrow. Instead of a ring, Hitler presented his bride with an Iron Cross and their relationship pretty much went downhill after that. By the way, the 72nd anniversary present for a dead Nazi is 72 more centuries in Hell. (And Mad Dog 357 Hot Sauce for breakfast, lunch and dinner.)
CHEERS to home vegetation. The last weekend of April is here already??? Cheesum crow, this year is flying by, but I hope the weekend takes its sweet time. The boob-tubage starts tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow. Then on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher has a decent lineup with Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Rob Reiner, former energy secretary Ernest Moniz, Nick Hanauer and Tara Setmayor.
Tomorrow night at 8 on HBO you can watch the 2017 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony (Joan Baez, ELO, Pearl Jam, Yes, et al). And don’t forget Sam Bee’s Not the White House Correspondents Dinner at 10 on TBS. Aziz Ansari (Parks & Recreation) hosts SNL. New home video releases include the Oscar winning (but not the big kahuna) La La Land and those wacky vampires and werewolves are at it again in Underworld: Blood Wars. The baseball schedule is here, the NHL playoff schedule is here, and the NBA playoff schedule is here. On 60 Minutes: Chief Justice John Roberts on the VA Gov. Bob McDonnell case, and an ex-hedge fund manager opens a high school in Somaliland. And the holy grail of weekend enders happens Sunday night on HBO with Silicon Valley, Veep and Last Week Tonight. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: TBA.
Face the Nation: Talk about ball-licking. John Dickerson talks with Donald trump, and then Charlie Rose and Norah O’Donnell breathlessly promote their LIVE BROADCAST MONDAY FROM THE WHITE HOUSE SQUEEEEEE!!!! Pathetic. CBS has become the first of the networks to normalize the nutball president by setting up a studio inside his colon. (Admittedly, a very beautiful colon, the best colon, believe me...)
Meet the Press: Both of Maine’s senators, Suzie Q. Collins (R) and Angus “Mustache of Independence” King (I); VP Mike Pence drives his rented Tiger tank to sing peppy panzerlieds to Chuckles; Chris Matthews joins the roundtable and that can mean only one thing: the sound guy is going to commit hara-kiri.
CNN's State of the Union: This week it’s Jake Tapper’s turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping. Plus: Samantha Bee, Ana Navarro, Google Santorum, former MI Gov. Jennifer Granholm and Van Jones.
Fox News Sunday: Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). On the pundit panel: goddess Donna Edwards.
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: April 28, 2007
JEERS to The Understatement of the Day. You might want to sit down for this. Former president George H.W. Bush surmises---and this is purely conjecture, mind you---that there "might be a little Bush fatigue now." In other news, scientists are now pretty sure water is moist.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to the first "6.8 percent of the way home." The way Trump talks, you'd think he bounded into the White House (following the world's bigly-est inauguration, of course) as the second coming of Lincoln, Christ and General Patton all rolled into one. What he really is, we now know beyond a shadow of a doubt (as if we ever had any), is a con man with no government experience who inexplicably bellowed his way into the highest echelon of the most consequential government in the world and then broke all of his promises, either out of sheer fuck-you-ism or rank incompetence. It's not a stretch to say that he's done less than any president has in their first hundred days, unless you count his record-breaking 19 rounds of golf. So, really then, what more could this creepy human crap sandwich deserve on this most anticlimactic of anniversaries than The Simpsons treatment? Enjoy…
Strap yourself in, kids. The next hundred days promise even more nincompoopery. God help us one and all.
Have a great weekend. If you’re taking part in a Climate March tomorrow, wear springy shoes, make a joyful noise, and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-