From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Oh, He Stepped In It Now edition
"Israel was the source of the intelligence Trump gave to the Russians. And oopsa shalom---Trump is scheduled to visit Israel next week. That is really going to be one awkward state dinner. 'Mr. President, can you please pass the hummus, or would you prefer to pass it directly to Russia?'"
---Stephen Colbert
"A new Gallup poll finds that President Trump’s approval rating has dropped to 38 percent. You know it’s bad when your approval ratings reach the numbers where you get concerned your phone is going to die."
---Seth Meyers
"After the Comey [firing] news was made public, White House press secretary Sean Spicer tried to evade reporters by ducking into some bushes. Which is weird because diving into bushes without warning is usually his boss's thing."
---Colin Jost
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"This president has wiped his ass with the Constitution so many times the National Archives started leaving passive-aggressive notes asking him to chip in for toilet paper."
---Samantha Bee
"It's honestly incredible to watch a man [Paul Ryan] who spends 90 minutes every morning working out refuse to show any strength whatsoever. Apparently no part of P-90X targets the backbone."
---John Oliver
And three years ago this week:
"A British ice cream maker has created a new flavor of ice cream that mixes champagne and Viagra. Perfect for anyone who wants to eat something that tastes like Donald Trump's burps."
---SNL's Cecily Strong
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 19, 2017
Note: Here we go again, kids. Monday is chemo day! Yes, it's session #4 for yours truly (on our way to an even dozen) as we wage our war on the semicolon cancer---in fairness, it's less harsh than exclamation point cancer---that had the rudeness to enter without knocking. So that means lighter posting next week. We'll be here bright and early on Wednesday and Thursday, and bright and late on Friday. As always, our missed columns will be tacked on to the back end and you’ll each be entered into a drawing to become an official internet viceroy. Thanks for your patience. ---The Patient
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the special election in Montana: 6
Days 'til Dreamstate San Francisco: 8
Percent approval of New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, according to a new Quinnipiac poll: 60%
Expected global economic growth this year and next, respectively, according to the United Nations: 2.7%, 2.9%
Hypothetical 2020 presidential race between Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Donald Trump, according to a PPP poll: 42%-37%
Number of the twenty top-selling items in Amazon.com's toys & games section that are various Fidget spinners: 18
Weight of the 6-foot-long honeycomb populated by 120,000 bees that was discovered in a Decatur, Georgia woman's condo ceiling: 120 pounds
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Don Felipe the blind Shepard mix…saved!!!
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CHEERS to the junior senator from Minnesota. C&J wishes an early Happy Birthday to Al Franken, who turns 66 Sunday. Is anyone surprised that he's a hard-working, smart-as-a-whip, solidly progressive United States Senator? Yeah, me neither---and, oh, how that still makes the disgraced Bill O'Reilly seethe in his jammies as he channel surfs porn in his mancave. As Al succinctly wrote in his classic bestseller, LIES and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them…
Yes, I am a liberal, and I'm proud of it.
It's a term we need to reclaim. Because I believe that most Americans are liberals just like me. Most Americans believe in helping people. And most Americans believe that the government has a role to play---to create opportunity, to protect the environment, to provide for the common good. ...
While it might not seem like I'm changing the tone when I accuse my friends on the right of being liars, my hope is that, if we keep calling them on their calculated dishonesty, their dishonesty will lose its effectiveness. Then O'Reilly and company will have to resort to Plan B: name-calling. Which, I think, will expose them for what they are. Stupid bastards.
Franken, the only sitting senator who can draw a map of the USA from memory (Republicans are still trying to get the shape of the earth right), didn't try to seize the national spotlight during his first term. That's changed now that his landslide reelection is well behind him (I think the job's his now for as long as he wants it). He's much more willing to appear on news and late-night shows, and some of the best fireworks have come from his grilling of The Enemy in confirmation and committee hearings. (Special gold star for goading Jeff Sessions into committing perjury, something that may yet come back to bite him in his pointy racist butt.) You can keep track of him at his Senate office, twitter, and Facebook pages. What more can we say? Happy birthday, Al. Many blessings on your camels and hugs to Frannie.
JEERS to today's edition of Hey Lady, Put Down the Crack Pipe. Today's contestant is Norma Stanley from lovely South Portland, Maine, who noticed that Bill O'Reilly got fired from Fox News for sexual misconduct, and wrote this letter to the editor of the Portland Press Herald:
I am sorry to see Bill O'Reilly leave Fox News. He was an excellent reporter and always fair.
I notice his age of 67. Perhaps he just enjoyed looking at those beautiful ladies.
I would suggest more modest dress for these very beautiful young ladies: less cleavage and less leg view should make them more safe from old eyes.
This has been today's edition of Hey Lady, Put Down the Crack Pipe.
JEERS to difficult eulogies. And speaking of Fox News, a wise man once said that it's not nice to speak ill of the dead. I never quite understood that (They're dead! They can't hear me!), but it's just one of those things, I guess. So…Roger Ailes. He's dead now. We know this because liberals were lined up around the block to check his pulse and make double-sure his passing wasn't fake news. And since this column is a national beacon of civility and eloquence, C&J will dig down deep to find something nice to say about the former Fox News president who treated the truth as the enemy and was kicked out of his own joint because he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants around his female employees. So here goes: "Roger Ailes. He sometimes wore nice ties. Amen." I hope I wasn't too wordy.
JEERS to disappearing acts not involving trained magicians. Today is Endangered Species Day, which is billed as "an opportunity for people of all ages to learn about the importance of protecting endangered species." You can see the whole list here via the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. (Quick---somebody archives the site before Trump deletes it!) Here’s one of them, the Hawaiian monk seal. Imagine our planet without these little bundles of flippered joy:
I'm proud to say I did my part to mark Endangered Species Day. I spent the afternoon giving sympathy hugs to White House staffers.
JEERS to the Boy Wonder's bubble-headed blunder. On May 19, 1992, Vice President Dan Quayle cited Murphy Brown as a poor example of family values. Said Ken Tucker back then in Entertainment Weekly:
Dan Quayle's spleen venting about the way Murphy Brown subverts family values is only the most direct expression to date of a notion that has gained in intensity over the past decade---that TV has some sort of obligation to present only ''positive'' examples of family life, that any portrayal of something other than the happy nuclear clan is detrimental to our American way of life.
But TV isn't an arm of social policy or government propaganda; it has no more responsibility to be upbeat and positive than do, say, poetry or the theater. ... Someone pour Quayle a glass of cold milk, please.
Isn't it nice to know that the Republican party has come so far in its thinking over the last 24 years? (Please try not to break your face while smirking.)
CHEERS to home vegetation. A pleasantly plump slate of stuff (to use the technical Hollywood term) on TV this weekend, starting with HBO's Real Time, where Bill Maher gets all chatty Cathy with one of Trump's former orcs Boris Epshteyn, David Frum, Cornel West, and Neil de Grasse Tyson. New home video releases include xXx: Return of Xander Cage (Oops, I never knew he'd gone missing or I woulda put his face on all the milk cartons) and Resident Evil: The Final Chapter Until We Think Of An Excuse To Make Another One.
Saturday night Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, whose comedic chops have become surprisingly fine-tuned over the years, hosts SNL. The baseball schedule is here, the NHL playoff schedule is here, and the NBA finals schedule is here. "Nyquil PM" goes for jewel #2 in the Triple Crown tomorrow---post time for the 142nd Preakness is 6:20 ET. On 60 Minutes: the guy running the massive Cook County jail, and Chinese artist Ai Weiwei. Drake and the Chainsmokers (one of whom is a Mainer!) lead the nominations in the Billboard Music Awards, which air Sunday at 8 on ABC. And "damn fine coffee"lovers rejoice! The continuing adventures of David Lynch's Twin Peaks finally hits the air Sunday at 9 on Showtime. Then at 11, John Oliver pisses off another segment of America's slimy underbelly on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Jake Tapper says having Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) on is a HUGE DEAL!!! So be sure to tune in or Jake will jump off a bridge. Plus: Democratic Rep. Adam Schiff of California, which really is a big deal.
Face the Nation: Sens. Marco Rubio (R-FL) and Dianne Feinstein (D-CA); CBS News Elections Director Anthony Salvanto has some fresh poll numbers.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Oh, what a surprise---two old white guys with white hair! This week it’s Chris Wallace’s turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping, and John McCain’s turn to try and keep Secretary of State Rex Tillerson from nodding off.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 19, 2007
TA TA to Tony Blair. The British Prime Minister made one last appearance at the White House yesterday before he steps down next month. When asked if he regretted the close relationship with Bush that led to his downfall, he said "Arf Arf!" and then peed on the president's leg. Good boy.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Canada! C&J won’t be here on Monday, but we'd be insulting our neighbors to the north if we didn't pre-wish them a happy, happy---[Looks at wall calendar for the 18th time today to remember what the hell the holiday's called again]---Victoria Day! It's a day for dusting off their William Shatner shrines (required by law) and chugging any leftover Molson from last year's Victoria Day. If you're wondering what all the fuss is about, eh…
Victoria Day celebrates Queen Victoria's birthday (May 24th). Canada is still a member of the Commonwealth of Nations, of which the Queen is head.
Victoria Day is always on a Monday; thus the holiday is part of a long weekend, which is commonly referred to as the Victoria Day Weekend, the May Long Weekend, the May Long, or the May Two-Four (a case of beer in some parts of Canada is called a "two-four" and many of these are consumed over the holiday). The weekend is also called the May 24th weekend, although it does not necessarily fall on May 24th. The Victoria Day Weekend is the first popular weekend for spring/summer travel.
Ahhhhh…now it makes sense why Senator Ted Cruz refused for so long to renounce his Canadian citizenship. Between Victoria Day and Memorial Day, he was getting two holiday weeks in a row. Hate to say it, but he's smarter than I thought.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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