SCENE: A CONGRESSIONAL DEAL-MAKING ROOM, WHERE SENATORS LINDSEY GRAHAM AND BILL CASSIDY ARE MAKING DEALS.
GRAHAM: OK, here is Obamacare Repeal Bill #9743225
CASSIDY: We're super proud of it.
(ENTER LISA MURKOWSKI, SENATOR FROM ALASKA)
MURKOWSKI: You know, I don't like this bill.
GRAHAM: What?
CASSIDY: Why not?
GRAHAM: It does everything we want.
CASSIDY: Basically, by repealing Obamacare.
GRAHAM: Without us having to actually deal with consequences.
CASSIDY: We don't like consequences.
GRAHAM: Consequences are bad.
CASSIDY: Especially during elections.
GRAHAM: Really hate consequences during elections.
CASSIDY: Though "elections have consequences" is a killer phrase.
GRAHAM: But only when your side gets elected.
CASSIDY: True.
GRAHAM: Anyway, no consequences.
CASSIDY: For at least ten years!
GRAHAM: Maybe more.
CASSIDY: If we play our cards right.
GRAHAM: Oh yeah.
CASSIDY: Because our president.
GRAHAM: Trump.
CASSIDY: Right.
GRAHAM: Trump is our president.
CASSIDY: Right.
GRAHAM: And you might not have noticed, but he's unstable.
CASSIDY: Really unstable.
GRAHAM: Super unstable.
CASSIDY: Like, "might set off World War III before the consequences of our bill are felt" unstable.
GRAHAM: Could happen.
CASSIDY: Fingers crossed.
(SILENCE)
MURKOWSKI: What?
GRAHAM: Just think about it.
CASSIDY: And then vote for it.
GRAHAM: Yes. So... yes, don't JUST think about it.
CASSIDY: No. Think and vote.
GRAHAM: Think and vote.
CASSIDY: Think and vote.
MURKOWSKI: But I still mostly don't like this bill.
GRAHAM: Why not?
CASSIDY: What's wrong with it?
MURKOWSKI: Well it has all the stuff I didn't like in the last bill.
GRAHAM: Oh.
MURKOWSKI: Which you may recall I also didn't vote for.
GRAHAM: Yeah.
CASSIDY: We remember.
GRAHAM: Yeah.
GRAHAM: But look.
GRAHAM: This bill also has a heaping pile of money for Alaska.
MURKOWSKI: It does?
GRAHAM: ... uh...
CASSIDY: Gimmie a sec. *writes something in bottom margin*
GRAHAM: There. Now it does.
MURKOWSKI: You're bribing me?
GRAHAM: No!
CASSIDY: Absolutely not.
GRAHAM: Never.
CASSIDY: Wouldn't dream of it.
GRAHAM AND CASSIDY: We're bribing ALASKA.
MURKOWSKI: Alaska.
GRAHAM: Alaska!
MURKOWSKI: But...
GRAHAM: It's perfect!
CASSIDY: It's money!
MURKOWSKI: The thing is, though.
GRAHAM: What?
MURKOWSKI: The thing is. I looked into it.
CASSIDY: Into what?
MURKOWSKI: It. Obamacare. Apparently they like it.
GRAHAM: Democrats?
MURKOWSKI: Alaskans.
CASSIDY: Alaskan Democrats?
MURKOWSKI: Pretty much all Alaskans.
GRAHAM: Ah.
MURKOWSKI: They say they don't. If you ask them.
CASSIDY: Oh?
MURKOWSKI: But if you get specific, they do.
GRAHAM: "Get specific?"
MURKOWSKI: Right. Like, really talk to them.
GRAHAM: What.
CASSIDY: You talked to your constituents?
MURKOWSKI: Yes.
GRAHAM: What.
CASSIDY: Like, REAL talk?
MURKOWSKI: Yeah.
GRAHAM: What.
CASSIDY: Well what were you thinking?
GRAHAM: WHAT.
CASSIDY: You only talk to your constituents when you're certain the're going to agree with you.
GRAHAM: If even then.
CASSIDY: Good point.
GRAHAM: I mean, you just don't do that.
CASSIDY: It was a rookie mistake.
GRAHAM: Which we can't afford to be making.
CASSIDY: Because we're pressed for time.
GRAHAM: Very pressed for time.
CASSIDY: So very pressed.
GRAHAM: But look.
CASSIDY: Here's what we'll do.
GRAHAM: We have an idea.
CASSIDY: Just spit-balling.
GRAHAM: But what if -
CASSIDY: And think about it before you answer -
GRAHAM: What if we exempted Alaska from the bill.
MURKOWSKI: What if you...
GRAHAM: Exempted Alaska.
CASSIDY: From the bill.
GRAHAM: Completely.
CASSIDY: Well, mostly.
GRAHAM: We repeal Obamacare for everyone in the Union...
CASSIDY: Except for Alaska!
GRAHAM: You can call it Alaskacare.
CASSIDY: Which has the advantage of not being tied to a name.
GRAHAM: Like, er, Romneycare.
CASSIDY: Which is a name we don't use any more.
GRAHAM: Because of unpleasant connotations...
CASSIDY: Specifically that most of Obamacare was based on Republican health care reform ideas created in the 90s in response to Hillarycare.
GRAHAM: And had been prior implemented in Massachusetts while a Republican was governor of the state.
CASSIDY: That's right.
GRAHAM: Those connotations.
MURKOWSKI: Is that even constitutional?
GRAHAM: That's not for us to decide.
CASSIDY: But yes.
GRAHAM: Well no.
CASSIDY: No?
GRAHAM: No.
CASSIDY: Oh.
GRAHAM: But I'm sure it's fine.
CASSIDY: Oh, good.
GRAHAM: So how about it?
CASSIDY: There's money.
GRAHAM: And you get to keep Obamacare.
CASSIDY: Alaskacare.
GRAHAM: Right.
MURKOWSKI: I don't know.
GRAHAM: I notice you didn't say "no."
MURKOWSKI: I said "I don't know."
GRAHAM: Which isn't "no."
CASSIDY: Although
CASSIDY: "no" and "know"
CASSIDY: They sound like the same word.
GRAHAM: Right.
CASSIDY: I mean, not spelled the same.
GRAHAM: No.
CASSIDY: But they sound the same.
GRAHAM: Homophone.
CASSIDY: Beg pardon?
GRAHAM: Homophone. They sound the same. Homophone.
CASSIDY: They sound nothing like homophone.
GRAHAM: No, I mean --
CASSIDY: "Know" and "no" sound nothing like "homophone."
GRAHAM: That's not what I meant.
CASSIDY: I mean it's not even close.
GRAHAM: Look, Bill —
(ENTER RAND PAUL, SENATOR FROM KENTUCKY)
PAUL: You know, I don't like this bill.
GRAHAM: What?
CASSIDY: What?
GRAHAM: Why not?
CASSIDY: Dude.
GRAHAM: We need your vote.
CASSIDY: DUDE.
GRAHAM: We need to get to 50 so the vice president can put us over the line.
CASSIDY: DUDE WE USED THE WORD FEDERALISM.
RAND PAUL: Yeah.
CASSIDY: I mean, not in the bill.
GRAHAM: No.
CASSIDY: But when talking about it.
GRAHAM: Yeah.
CASSIDY: To the press.
RAND PAUL: *shrugs*
(ENTER JOHN MCCAIN, SENATOR FROM ARIZONA)
MCCAIN: You know, I don't like this bill.
GRAHAM: WHAT?
CASSIDY: Dammit.
GRAHAM: John.
CASSIDY: I was afraid of this.
GRAHAM: John! We're besties!
MCCAIN: I know.
CASSIDY: Gah, John, your maverick nature can be...
GRAHAM: We talked about this!
CASSIDY: ...you know, inconvenient.
GRAHAM: I thought you were on board.
MCCAIN: Well I like the idea.
GRAHAM: It's a great idea.
MCCAIN: Getting rid of Obamacare, I like it. The principle is sound.
GRAHAM: Then what's the problem?
MCCAIN: Well you know I have this thing.
CASSIDY: Oh, here we go.
MCCAIN: You know how we're in the Senate?
GRAHAM: Sure.
MCCAIN: And you know how we used to do things in the Senate? Like, a few years ago?
CASSIDY: Gimme a break.
MCCAIN: Like, we had committees, and the committees talked about things and then we argued a lot and then voted?
GRAHAM: Sure.
MCCAIN: Well I miss those times. I wish we did that more often.
CASSIDY: Look John, I don't want to burst your bubble.
GRAHAM: I mean all that stuff is exciting.
CASSIDY: But we have these things at home called "constituents."
GRAHAM: Who we don't talk to.
CASSIDY: We totally don't talk to them.
GRAHAM: But we know what they want.
CASSIDY: We totally know what they want.
GRAHAM: And they want results.
CASSIDY: They really do.
GRAHAM: And I don't know if you noticed.
CASSIDY: Because you've been pretty preoccupied.
GRAHAM: But we've been campaigning about repealing Obamacare.
CASSIDY: For a long time.
GRAHAM: Like, since it passed.
CASSIDY: A long time.
GRAHAM: Without much success.
CASSIDY: Looooooooong time.
GRAHAM: And we had an excuse when Obama was President.
CASSIDY: Which he isn't right now.
GRAHAM: And also we control the House and Senate.
CASSIDY: But, and this is the kicker.
GRAHAM: We haven't managed to pass a bill.
CASSIDY: Don't know why.
GRAHAM: I mean, it's a mystery.
CASSIDY: We've tried threats.
GRAHAM: We've tried secrecy.
CASSIDY: We've tried threatening people with secrecy.
GRAHAM: We've tried secretly threatening people.
CASSIDY: And nothing works.
GRAHAM: It's weird.
CASSIDY: Nothing.
GRAHAM: Can't figure out why.
(ENTER TED CRUZ, SENATOR FROM TEXAS)
CRUZ: You know, I don't like this bill.
GRAHAM: What. The. Fuck.
CASSIDY: Weren't you on TV talking about how important it was?
GRAHAM: What the ACTUAL fuck.
CASSIDY: Like, just yesterday?
CRUZ: Yeah, about that.
GRAHAM: C'mon, Ted. Don't Ted this.
CRUZ: Turns out all that coverage made me kind of look like a tool.
GRAHAM: No.
CRUZ: It did.
GRAHAM: No.
CRUZ: I'm not lyin'.
GRAHAM: No.
GRAHAM: Ted.
GRAHAM: I promise.
GRAHAM: I promise it wasn't the coverage that did that.
CASSIDY: I'm gonna go with Lindsey on this one.
CRUZ: Whatever. I'm out unless you make some changes.
GRAHAM: What changes?
CRUZ: Well you know those mandate waivers.
GRAHAM: Oh God.
CRUZ: You know how Obamacare has mandates.
GRAHAM: Ted...
CRUZ: And the original bill let states opt out of them in lots of ways.
GRAHAM: Ted, we talked about this.
CRUZ: And then you changed the bill so the states could only opt out of them in fewer ways.
GRAHAM: Dammit, Ted.
CRUZ: I want all the ways back.
CASSIDY: You know why we took them out.
CRUZ: I want 'em back in.
CASSIDY: They made the bill look bad.
GRAHAM: Really bad.
CASSIDY: Like, really, really bad.
GRAHAM: And that's compared to this version.
CASSIDY: Which is totally awful.
GRAHAM: Yeah.
CASSIDY: I mean, we know this.
GRAHAM: We wrote it.
CASSIDY: Like, I totally screwed over that talk show guy.
GRAHAM: Kimmel.
CASSIDY: No, the one who hates me.
GRAHAM: Kimmel.
CASSIDY: No. The one with the kid.
GRAHAM: ...
CASSIDY: You know. He shouts at me during his monologue.
GRAHAM: Colbert.
CASSIDY: That's the guy. Anyway, if we added those waivers back...
GRAHAM: It would sink the bill.
CRUZ: Well I want 'em.
GRAHAM: Why are you doing this?
CRUZ: Well I don't know if you noticed.
CRUZ: Because a lot of people don't.
CRUZ: So I'll tell you a secret:
CRUZ: I'm kind of an asshole.
(SILENCE)
GRAHAM: Maybe we could just give the states more money.
CASSIDY: What, all of them?
GRAHAM: No.
GRAHAM: NO.
GRAHAM: Fuck California and New York. I mean to hell with those guys.
GRAHAM: Just Alaska, Arizona, and Texas.
(ENTER SUSAN COLLINS, SENATOR FROM MAINE)
COLLINS: You know, I don't like this health care bill.
GRAHAM: And Maine.
CASSIDY: Oh hi Susan.
GRAHAM: We can add a little something for Maine.
CASSIDY: Let me just say how super surprised I am that you are voting against us.
GRAHAM: Bill...
CASSIDY: I might just keel over, is how surprised I am.
(CURTAIN)