Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced a new federal program at today's White House press briefing: the Federal Autoeroticism Prevention Service (FAPS). She said that members of the President's Evangelical Advisory Board contacted Mr. Trump yesterday with new information that warranted urgent action: survey data indicated that during the nuclear missile alert in Hawaii masturbation dropped by 77%.
Accordingly, the religious leaders reacted with bursting pleasure that someone had finally found a way to reduce the incidence of onanism, the sinful scourge of teenage boys and others from time immemorial. They requested that the White House put this data to use and President Trump quickly responded. Sanders said,
President Trump once again proved that he is the most stable genius of all time by immediately making decisions and assigning responsibilities. His exact words were "Put Jared in charge of it, he's a total wanker."
Mr. Kushner consulted with his data analytics expert, Robert Mercer, and his expert on youth behavior, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Ms. DeVos stated,
I have taken a long and hard look at teen masturbation with the goal of inserting my own ideas into this sensitive area. We cannot be too rigid but we must rise to the occasion and stand up firmly for our teenagers, to help them be the upright boys we want them to be.
Following his advisers' counsel, Mr. Kushner said that beginning next week FAPS will issue hourly nuclear missile alerts broadcast throughout the United States. He explained that,
By diverting attention from boobs to bombs, we can keep our teenagers in a constant state of terror that will be as destructive to their libidos as if a mini-nuke went off in their pants. And, oh yeah, we expect that reducing fapping will reduce tensions in the Middle East as well, bringing Israel and Palestine into harmony. So my job is done here; I'm off to Davos with Ivanka now.
When questioned if people might quickly become used to the missile alerts as false alarms or drills — and thus lose their effectiveness — Sanders replied,
He still has his phone and Twitter. In fact, I think he's on his golden toilet tweeting Kim Jong Un right now. You want to bet on things going well?
In related news, share prices of Kleenex dropped 58% this afternoon.
It really is true. Apparently, online wanking dropped drastically in Hawaii during the alert … and then took off again with a vengeance.