There was a brief moment on election night when FiveThirtyEight’s algorithm projected that the GOP was going to keep the House. I stared at that number, feeling like my soul had left my body and run away. I thought “Here we go again. The polls were wrong. We’re a racist, hateful country.” I was so miserable. Thankfully, the Dems quickly turned it around and won the night.
But afterwards, I started to think. Why do I care so much? Why do I work myself into a nervous wreck before each election? Why do I get so miserable when the GOP wins? Why is it so important to me that the Democrats regain some influence?
I mean, look at me. I should love the GOP.
- I’m white
- I’m male
- I’m straight
- I’m not particularly religious, but I come from a Christian family
- I have a high-paying job, with really good health insurance
- Plenty of money in the bank
In other words, I’m in the majority in almost every demographic, and I got mine. I’m perfect Republican material. So why am I so solidly Dem?
I could wax poetic about how equality is important to me, and how I’m concerned about climate change, and how I care about LGBT rights and women's issues. All that’s true, but really, if you boil it down, the reason I can’t vote for Republicans comes down to one thing.
I’m not a dick.
I don’t like dicks.
And while all Republicans may not be dicks, about 100% of dicks in politics are Republican.
I mean just look at them! The whole party seems to be the result of some sick sociological experiment: “What if we took all the dicks, jerks, and assholes in the country, and made a political party out of them?” It’s a party of and for the most awful people you could possibly imagine. It’s a big tent, but just big enough to hold every variety of plague on human society: narcissists, fascists, racists, misogynists, and on and on. If you hold some group of people in contempt, be they Jews, gay people, the poor, or whatever, the GOP has a place for you!
So yeah, I’m not a Republican. And I will never be one of them, no matter how much money I make, no matter how lily-white I am. I’m simply not a dick. And I will never vote for a party that welcomes dicks with open arms.