From the Church of Ineffable Stupidity, to be published on a monthly basis as of February 30th, it's
IF ONLY
a what if, if only, what could have been our future, if only this had happened in real news:
A) After the strong backlash to his even having received a book contract, disgraced and fired, pseudo journalist and stalking head, Mark Halperin again stated his regrets and admitted that the backlash led him to remove himself from the public eye and to cancel the soon to be released, “tell all” book about Donald Trump. Halperin reportedly is taking a teaching position in an all girls’ school in Ohio.
B) Last weekend, Trump promised that shortly after he leaves the presidency, the New York Times would shut its doors. The NYT holding Corp announced that it would be shutting down on November 1st, pointedly waiting for Trump to fulfill his promise before that date.
C) After Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced plan to build a Chicago casino near the Loop, several gaming companies rushed to approve her move, saying that to benefit the City, they would gladly decrease their expected profit margins to fall from 54.8% to 51%. “The city is a great place, and deserves all the support we can give it. A small cut in our profits is good for the city, the country, and our bottom line."
D) After the 112th field goal specialist tried out for the Chicago Bears 2019-2020 season, and managed to be the 37th kicker to hit the vertical goal post from 43 yards out, the team ownership finally relented and brought back Robbie Gould, the team’s most successful kicker in team history.
Gould, now a spry and healthy 82 years of age, kicked three straight kicks of over 50 yards last week, and made the game saving tackle after his 104 yard kick off almost led to a TD for the opposing team. When asked for his reaction to the trade and return to Chicago, Gould reportedly said, “Eh? What? Wait, let me put my teeth and hearing aid in.”
E) Ken Cuccinelli was reportedly struck by lightning when golfing at Mar A Lagoon with his dear leader and president, Donald Trump. Upon regaining consciousness, he immediately reversed plans to split up immigrant families and immediately issued orders that DHS and ICE immediately begin sending food, clean clothes, soap, toothbrushes, and books and toys to the thousands of kids ripped from their parents’ arms. “I was wrong. I’ve been wrong since 2007. I have seen the light and am changing my ways as of this very moment.”
TRump aides reportedly met with a worried president, as they plotted on how they could remove the “reformed” Cuccinelli from office based on mental illness caused by the lightning strike.
F) Republican Congressman Adam Kinzinger, (R-ILL) in response to yet another mass murder by a white nationalist trump supporter, stated that he had “evolved” on gun control. He supported a ban on all semi-automatic weapons, banning and reversing concealed carry, limiting the size of weapon magazines, and requiring universal background checks. He also believed that Red LIght legislation was too limited and, “It needed to go further. These are our kids at risk!”
G) Dick Cheney reportedly changed his mind on Global Climate Change. “I admit it. I used to be a heartless bastard, thinking that since I got mine, to hell with the rest of this flat earth. I was wrong. Climate change is real and a clear and present danger, not only to the planet, but to me. We must act now, stop fracking, increase investment in storage technology and invest in wind and solar. Our future depends on it.”
H) Perpetual horse’s ass and current US Senator from Texas, Ted Cruz stated he would be switching parties from the R side, to the D side. “I can no longer support the inane and insane policies of this administration. Impeachment is necessary to save our country. Unfortunately, this side of the aisle has the political spine of a jellyfish, and I can no longer sit by idly and do nothing. I bow my head, ask forgiveness for my dickishness, and beg the Democrats to allow me to join them. To Mitch, I say, retire. For the good of the country, retire.”
If Only.