Bush Future in Doubt on Eve of Indictments

Bush often turns to the White House
pool to escape his worries

Aides say President Bush has begun showing some signs of stress from his recent political setbacks, including the Plame Investigation. White House staff, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the President has recently begun screeching incohrently at staffers who pass by the office. Other reports include incidents of poo-flinging, and a steadfast refusal to groom Laura, no matter how many times she presents her back to him.

"The poor little guy is just overwrought," said Dick "Leaky" Cheney, the President's owner, as he monitored Bush's aquatic escapades in the White House Pool.  "He really thought that everyone would love Harriet Miers, the poor sap.  The rejection from that in and of itself was enough to push him over the edge, but then there's this stuff with Karl...."

Though he wouldn't continue on record, sources confirm that Mr. Cheney was referring to Karl Rove, Bush's chief handler up until just a few weeks ago, when Rove became obviously ensnared in the Plame Leak investigation.  The Omnipresent Anonymous Aides say that Mr. Rove and Bush had "a unique working relationship," that was crucial in keeping the President "together" for public appearances.  

"Yeah, Karl really had this way with him," said one anonymous staffer.  "Any time Bush would have to face open questions from the press, Karl was always there, talking softly to him and scratching behind his ears.  If that failed to calm the President, Karl usually had a supply of fresh fruit and highball martinis close at hand.  It was a special bond they had, you know?"

Bush's fate after the results of the Plame Investigation are announced --hopefully soon, goddammit!-- is unknown.  While Mr. Cheney wouldn't speculate, sources say that Cheney has indicated he might sell the President, rather than try to find a new handler as qualified for the position as Mr. Rove is.  

"Bush always comes across as a playful scamp in public," another loudmouthed staffer reported, "but that's just a testament to how good Karl is with him.  He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. Literally, he bit my sister when she was visiting me at work!  I know it's hard to part with a dear pet like that, but I really don't see how they can mange to keep him if Karl goes."

Mr. Rove was contacted for this article, but refused be interviewed.