It was touch-and-go for a while but the twin political sins of reacting slowly to being SwiftCrossed and duly turning the other cheek proved fatal to the candidacy of Jesus Christ on Thursday and he got nailed by an insurgent George W. Bush.
Bush touched upon the fact that the campaigning got a little edgy. "We had to play rough at times and I take responsibility to the possible extent in which I may have been involved to some degree, but Christ started it," referring to the nasty market downturn caused by Christ's run-in with the money lenders in the temple.
Some political analysts also credit Tush Limbaugh for his hammering on the 'illegitimate vagabond' theme, questioning both Christ's parentage and place of residence.
Dill O. Reilly also provided a hammer blow by his continual pondering if Christ was even eligible to run. "He's an illegal alien in my book...and said book can be purchased at major patriotic bookstores, in mostly red states, for just $29.95...but that's not all, I'll even throw in a year's supply of loofahs, plus lullabyes from me over the phone."
Judas Miller of the New York Times, still quilling out articles from her prison cell, wrote numerous campaign articles quoting unidentified sources that Christ has a "major relationship--a relative in fact" with a user of weapons of mass destruction. This definitely hurt Christ's campaign in the waning weeks before the election as he refused to renounce the story.
Jaime Fobson, busybody of the Concentrate on the Clan organization, which provides tips and instruction on kith and kin basics, also aided the Bush campaign early on by questioning Christ's choice of companions. "Do we really want this country to be guided by someone who only hangs with other guys? That is, not counting brief interludes with females associated with prostitution. I don't think so," Fobson stated way back in July. Supporters of Fobson dogged the campaign rallies of Bush's opponent with signs that read "Christ Is Not Clan Friendly."
Neither Bush nor his guru, Karl Rove, could explain the 'Jesus is a pedophile' literature that surfaced in October just as Christ surged to a 5-point lead. They jointly issued a press release stating: "what our opponent does in his private time is not our concern."
Rove, in particular, is being lauded for leading yet another of his candidates to victory. When asked if it was his idea to have local authorities continually arrest the campaigning Christ for possible medical malpratice and lacking the permits to operate a food kitchen, Rove responded: "Not according to my phone records."
Word has it that TYME is seriously considering a 'Twins Of The Year' award for Bush and Rove in its end-of-the-year issue. The Washington Toast's Colonel Kurtz has written three columns this week giving tribute to Rove as the Einstein of the political world, although early editions contained the embarrassing typo of Eichmann, not Einstein.