I'm Exhausted and Guilty. Should You Be Too?

I'm exhausted. And I feel more guilty than I can tell you that I let my exhaustion keep me to doing one canvas on Saturday instead of two. Saturday night I had dinner with Patrick, Paul Hodes' field director, who told me that what he is fantasizing about after the election is getting to go into a room with no windows and sleep for 24 hours straight.  He's working something like 16 hours a day - but, he says, it's because he thinks they can win. If they couldn't, he'd only be working 10 or 12. I think about how much Patrick is working, and I want to claw my eyes out with guilt that I don't do more.  

So I'm thinking a lot about what's "enough" for each of us when it comes to getting Democrats elected. Kos has called for everyone to volunteer for a day; some people have said that's not enough. I think the measure of "enough" needs to be more flexible.

The measure each of us should use to determine if we are doing enough is: Am I tired? Am I pushing myself past my comfort level? Am I carrying on the same as I have been, or am I always seeking something new in myself in this last push to November 7?

Saturday afternoon I canvassed with a man who'd come up from Massachusetts.  I don't get the feeling that he's someone who's spent a whole lot of time in past years canvassing and volunteering, but he said that his wife is a legal alien, and when he saw habeas corpus taken away, he knew he had to act.  So he just started calling neighboring states, looking for a close election he could get involved in, and he drove a couple hours up to Concord, New Hampshire, and spent a solid day canvassing, and said he planned to be back doing it again before the election.  This government had pushed him to his breaking point, but when he hit his breaking point, he didn't fall into depression, and he didn't sit around complaining.  He found out where to go to help, and he went and helped.  And he did so even though he is not confident that Republicans won't steal this election, even though he believes Ohio was stolen in 2004.  Because, like kraant's diary last night pointed out, whatever happens with fraud, the Democrats only win the elections if they first win the vote.  So my Saturday canvass partner stepped out of his ordinary life to do something.

As for me, I'm pushing myself but I'm always questioning if I'm pushing hard enough.  In 2004, I gave some money, I did a few days of canvassing, a day of letter-writing, maybe something else that's slipping my mind now.  That wasn't enough, but it was more than I'd done in 2002 (which was admittedly zero).  This fall I go to Concord most Wednesdays and do what I can - research, mailings, and lately phone calls (which I whine about, because they make me miserable and I know I'm bad at them).  I try to bring food for the staff, because they eat too much pizza.  Most Saturdays I go canvass--I try to make it for both the morning and afternoon canvasses, but I don't always.

Canvassing can be fun, but I won't lie to you.  It tires me out.  I'm not someone who feeds off conversation with strangers and comes out with more energy.  And phone calls?  Some people like phonebanking.  Me, I get through about 15 calls and I want to put my head through a wall.  Wednesday night I made it through 32, which I figured was more than double my normal breaking point, and Patrick guilted me into 4 more.  I was actually shaking by the end, and I had to take off my top shirt because I was sweating.  Attractive, no?  But I'm thinking maybe one of these days I will go to 40 calls.

When I get to 40 calls, I still won't be doing half of what some people are doing.  But I will have pushed myself well beyond where I thought I could ever go.  So I'm not going to tell you you have to make this many phone calls or knock on this many doors or stuff this many envelopes to be doing enough this election.  I'm going to tell you you have to push yourself.

Find the reason that motivates you.  Maybe it's the hope of a Democratic Congress; maybe it's the fear of two more years of a Republican one.  Maybe it's a specific bill.  Maybe it's Iraq.  Maybe it's sheer unadulterated loathing of George W. Bush and a desire to watch him be investigated and thwarted and humiliated for the next two years.  Maybe it's your children.  Maybe it's a specific candidate.

I started off just wanting a Democratic campaign to put my energy into.  Any Democratic campaign.  It didn't matter.  But along the way I've found personal, individual motivation, from an amazing candidate and from his staff, from watching these people work their asses off.  I want a Democratic majority in the abstract.  I want Paul Hodes as part of that.  But I also work because Brooke, Dana, Dave, Emily, Jamie, Julia, Justin, Kaili, Luke, Patrick, Reid, Toby, Torey, work so very hard and want so very much to win, and I want it for them and I am ashamed when I think that all my life I have relied on the work of people like them while I did nothing or next to nothing.

Our standard for comparison should not be anybody but ourselves - but that does not mean we should go easy on ourselves.  If by November 7 you will have spent two afternoons canvassing, but you did nothing in 2004, you should not look at Carnacki and feel guilty because you are not doing as much as he is.  But if you did nothing in 2004 and you are once again doing nothing, you should feel guilty because we have a chance to win but it is only a chance, and it will take all our work.  

So what I'd say is, how tired are you?  How far outside your comfort zone are you?

If you're in your comfort zone, you're not doing enough.

If you're not tired, or if you're just tired because you stayed here chatting too late last night, you're not doing enough.

And if you're not doing enough, you should not feel ok with yourself and your effort.