A Handy Guide To DeLay Excuses, Courtesy The Rightmost Wing

Folks,

Somehow, I got on NewsMax's spam list.  You may have heard somewhere on the Internets that Tom DeLay is withdrawing from politics...but it's apparenly not because he's corrupt.  It's really the result of a Vast Left Wing Conspiracy, y'see.

Yeah.  That's the ticket.

A handy summary of all the evasions, not to mention a line-by-line evaluation with no dearth of snark, below the break...

They begin:

Tom DeLay Won't Run Again

Special Report: "Targeting Tom DeLay"

Breaking News: Tom DeLay will announce Tuesday that he will not run for re-election to Congress.

Hey, they started out with the truth...bet their reporting just keeps getting better...

The news comes as no surprise to NewsMax Magazine readers who were the first to read "Targeting Tom DeLay" -- a detailed investigation of how the major media and the Democratic Party had launched an all-out assault on the then House Majority Leader.

Uh...about that bet...best two out of three?

What is really behind the effort to stop DeLay?

Respect for the law, eradication of corruption, justice served, and all those other things Republicans claimed when they were going after Clinton?  Stop me if you've heard these before.

NewsMax Magazine's special report "Targeting Tom DeLay" reveals the truth about the attack on DeLay - and the implications for the future of politics in Washington.

Okay, this time I'm betting "the future of politics will include less corruption" will NOT be one of the implications they report.  I'm just fulla hunches today.

This "Targeting Tom DeLay" edition of NewsMax Magazine is available with our FREE offer by Clicking Here

"Our audience believes everything we say.  If that describes you, we compel you to CLICK HERE.  Or the Great Walrus will nibble your auntie catastrophically.  (Do you really want to cross us?)"

In this blockbuster report NewsMax reveals:

-    How a secret tape helped spur the effort to get DeLay.

"Because surveilance done by law enforcement should not be done in secret.  And the President has not done anything wrong by bypassing the courtrs to do surveilance in secret.  Look, I'm holding Tea and No Tea!"

-    Why a noted media analyst calls the anti-DeLay frenzy a "media jihad."

"And the fact that he says that is what makes him noted.  By us.  By the way, did we mention Delay's accusers are terrorist sympathizers?  And we know how to treat them, don't we?"

-    The "dirty little secret" no one in Congress wants to talk about.

Damn, they found my Pink Lady album.  No?  Oh...uhm, to what Pink Lady album were you referring?

-    Washington insider Paul Weyrich reveals the two real reasons for the attacks on DeLay - reasons you'll never hear in the media.

Because the media tends to frown on pulling excuses out of your ass?

-    The sordid story of the most prominent member of the Democratic Party and why he is "in a class by himself" when it comes to conflicts of interest.

Standard rhetorical tactic #1: "They do it too!"  Let's be clear: Republicans are running both houses of congress.  They can't get a case together regarding this "prominent member"?  And are we not naming names because that would be libel?

-    How Democrats tried to use a fake police mug shot of DeLay.

How is it that Delay's mug shot looks like nobody else's?  No case number board, no way to identify he's being booked...and if they're ginning up this story, wait 'til they get a load of his photoshopped perp walk...

-    The inside story on how the Democrats are replaying their strategy against Newt Gingrich and what he has to say about it.

Hey, you give the people what they want, and they'll come out for it.

-    The untold story behind former exterminator DeLay's entry into politics and why he has risen so quickly to become among the most powerful people in America.

Apparently, his offer of "free yard spraying for PAC money" was the exclusive means for this rise to power.

-    The shadowy "syndicate" - funded by billionaire George Soros - determined to destroy DeLay and lay the groundwork for a Democratic victory in 2008.

George Soros?  The one who gives interviews and freely donates money with his name attached, and doesn't see the need to create sham businesses to hide his machinations? Funny...I haven't seen any interviews with Richard Mellon Scaife lately.

-    The real Tom DeLay - up close and personal - you'll never see on "60 Minutes."

"No, really - you'd love to have a beer with him!"  (Just don't let it out of your sight - old exterminating habits die hard.)

-    The dramatic moment when DeLay rededicated himself to Christ.

"And that makes eeeeeeevrything betterrrr".

-    Why insiders say the majority leader will never be indicted.

September 28, 2005 was apparently Republican Sleep-All-Day Day, and I didn't even get a card.

-    How the L.A. Times smeared DeLay over his father's death

"We believe that nobody should be able to pull the plug on a brain-dead patient.  We support Tom DeLay when he pulled the plug on his brain-dead father.  Turns out we're having a special today on Tea and No Tea."  

-    Why the attack on DeLay has been termed "spiritual warfare."

"Because he rededicated himself to Christ!  Weren't you paying attention...heathen?"

-    And much, much more.

Quick!  Get it off our hands!  The drains are backing up!

This explosive edition of NewsMax Magazine blows the lid off the attack on Tom DeLay, which you need to read about now as the controversy reverberates through American politics.

Yeah, my lid's pretty well blown off.  In fact, the whole crapper's shot trying to evacuate this stuff.  Wonder if Home Depot's got any of them snazzy Kohler models to replace it with?