WHY WE REALLY REALLY NEED A FLAG AMENDMENT

Some people say we need to amend our constitution to cope with the multitudes of godless liberals who run around burning the American flag. This is one hundred percent true, and how dare any of you hippie hypocrites say otherwise. If global warming exsits, the carbon released from burning flags is its chief cause. Noted communist Al Gore isn't going to show you THAT in any of his little animations, which is why you can't take a word he says seriously.

I also hear he farts a lot.

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The proposed flag amendment doesn't go far enough, if you ask me. While we in the big city often can't see the nose in front of our face thanks to the thick haze of flag smoke, we are not blind. Other sins against the fatherland are evident in the casual treatment of our striped relic, and these must be punished, as well. For example, when, after a national tragedy, Americans plaster their SUVs with sedimentary layers of flag stickers, and these begin to fade and peel, the driver should be burned at the flagpole. The crime is compounded when the desecrated flag is accompanied by verses from the Holy Bible, such as "These Colors Don't Run (Bush 2:17)."

And God help you if the flag that has fluttered valiantly from your car window for three years has become tattered and frayed from exposure to the cruel anti-American weather. In this case, I recommend that you be disemboweled and your entrails fed to bald eagles.

In today's scary, scary world, it isn't enough to love your country, you must also worship it, holding its symbols sacred above all else. This is why we need a strong and unforgiving flag amendment to tell us when we're required to place our hand over our heart, when we're required to salute, and when we're required to genuflect.

Those other stupid amendments don't even know what they're talking about.

Vote for the Flag Amendment in '06.

(I am the flag, and I have approved this message.)