Clinical depression and major anxiety are a part of my daily life. My user name here could just as well have been "Dark Dreams and Mournful Days" and been just as accurate and true as the user name I chose. Those of us who live with these disorders are many and we are a part of society and this community, as I've read by many of the diaries and comments. Many of us are or at one time were members of the military, many more have loved ones who suffer from disorders of this nature, and many of these loved ones are in the active military or are veterans.
I was officially diagnosed in the very early part of the 90's, although I've experienced symptoms since I was 15. I work hard to fight against the symptoms of my disorders and many times I lose the fight miserably. I'm agoraphobic and I don't work any job outside my home. I don't drive. I have to medicate myself just to leave my home, which is very seldom. Traveling by car is difficult. Highway travel is a nightmare. Places where a crowd of people may be is worse than that. But I've taken steps to make my life manageable. And my life doesn't require pity, although many feel the need to express the sentiment. Many friends and family members don't or can't understand. It's not their fault any more than it is mine. They care and want to help, but they can't save me from my life, nor can they fix it. It is what it is.
I have the most trouble dealing with the ones who think guilt and a good "pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get over it" motivational pep talk helps. Here's a gentle hint . . . it doesn't. Sometimes folks think that telling you stories about "this friend they have" who went through "the exact same thing" will be helpful to you in some way. Gentle hint . . . it isn't. Take it from a veteran of this disorder, it ain't easy being us any more than it's easy for those that want, sometimes desperately, to help and find themselves unable to. What many find enjoyable many times just isn't a good time for us and can be horridly anxiety ridden. Believe me when I say that many times continuous nausea (and sometimes worse) accompanied by labored breathing, sometimes chest pain and possible passing out is not fun, not for us and not for those that may insist on including us. Let me tell you, having "the vapors" isn't at all as "romantic" as Hollywood depicts it to be. Another piece to the puzzle . . . anything anyone thinks or says negative about how negatively our disorder affects them isn't anything worse than we've already thought and felt about ourselves; it's a difficult situation for all concerned.
As I said I've been getting professional treatment for my disorders since the early 90's. Some of the medications work, but for me, most don't. And I want to state clearly here, I realize I'm not the norm. Many of these pharmaceuticals work wonders for very many, but for me they just add to the problem. None of the standard SSRIs Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors helped relieve the depression and, speaking solely for myself, I can report that many do indeed promote suicidal ideation and I'm far from being an adolescent. But again, as I've stated above, my history with these drugs is by no means the norm and evidence shows that most people respond well to many of these drugs. I, however, do not. The MAIOs Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors were far too hard to manage and potentially dangerous, although I spent a year on one and yet the depression never left me. These days I lead a very structured life and use "light therapy" year round, and take anti-anxiety medication (tranquilizers) as needed. I do what I have to in order to keep my life manageable and for myself and those closest to me, it's enough. I'm here and that's just got to be good enough. This is my darkness.
And now, for my light. When I first came to dKos, I was very much overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the intelligence of the writers and how articulate you all are, not only the front-pagers, but most all diarists and commenters. The political saavy on this site can be very intimidating, however if one reads (or lurks) enough and allows oneself to be educated and enlightened, one can find it to be a balm. Truth and knowledge can be liberating and, as we all know, knowledge is indeed power, and the truth can indeed set you free.
I lurked here for months, prior to opening an account back in February of this year. Laughing out loud at the quick, sometimes sharp humor and sitting back in awe contemplating the wealth of knowledge exchanged on this one website. Amazing. I questioned whether or not I wanted to open an account. What could I offer to these wonderful discussions beside praise? But I knew there was much to learn and I wanted that. I wanted to make the wisest political choices I was able at the polls and I wanted to educate myself more as to what our leaders, both nationally and globally, were doing and how their choices were affecting us, humanity as a whole. Voting is a nightmare for me, as the sweet, openly Republican woman standing in front of me in the last voting line I stood in found out when I politely excused myself from her Republican rhetoric laced conversation. What she didn't realize was how close her obviously expensive shoes came to being expelled upon. As I said early on in the diary, crowds are a nightmare, even when medicated, and I do it because it's a major part of my "voice."
Most of the time when I comment here, my comments are either very lighthearted and funny or heartfelt. When I'm fighting my demons or my personal darkness has enveloped me, I mostly lurk and scatter mojo about. This is the part of me that I keep private. This is the part of me that I share with very few because it's painful and, for as strange as it sounds, it's one of the few things in my life that's solely mine and no one else's. The best I can describe it is like being a person with no skin. Emotionally, everything hurts. And for those of us who've watched the Discovery Channel, Animal Planet or any of the various nature shows, it's like coming upon a wounded animal. And you watch helplessly as the care givers try to administer care, but the frightened and wounded animal snaps and growls because even though help and care is trying to be administered, everything hurts.
As many of you know, my husband is a Vietnam vet and my son is an Iraq War vet. The baggage that they both brought home from these wars is very similar to what I live with. The causes are far different and many of the symptoms are as well, but much of it is the same. And we all deal with it the best we're able. However, our elected officials and the administrators of our government made a conscious decision to go to war and made little to no effort to deal with the physical, mental and emotional damage that many of our troops are bringing home with them. Many veterans hospitals are being closed. The following quote, IMO, is key:
The Veterans Administration: The VA budget will be cut nearly one billion dollars by the Administration in fiscal 2006 budget. In addition the VA is closing or drastically reducing services at 11 VA hospitals. Further, Operation Truth says, some 572,000 veterans are believed to be owed disability pensions but are unaware they are owed the money and no effort is being made to inform them. "In time of war it is immoral and unconscionable to treat our heroes of the past and present in this manner," they said.
And veterans benefits are being cut drastically.
And to any and all who may think, "What does this have to do with me?" If you're a parent, take a minute when your children go to bed tonight and you're tucking them in to imagine them enlisting or, heaven forbid, being drafted and handing you their last will and testament and power of attorney. Imagine them telling you that they will come home from whatever conflict they're being sent off to. You want so desperately to believe them, knowing in your heart that they may not be able to keep their word because fate may see things otherwise. Now, imagine them coming home physically, mentally or emotionally broken or damaged or even just much sadder and melancholy than you've ever known them to be. Now imagine not being able help them and them not being able to get the help that you know they need because the very government that sent them off to the conflict decided that they couldn't afford to pay for something as frivolous as this, but offers their most sincere thanks for the sacrifice that was made. If it affected your child, your spouse, your parent, your sibling or anyone that you truly care about, wouldn't you want them to get treatment that was above substandard and wouldn't you fight and fight hard to make sure they had these treatments readily available to them?
My family, dear friends and all of you here, the dKos community, are my light. I've come to think of this community as "home." And I've also come to think of so many of you as friends; dear friends who bring me the news (the "real" news not the Sears news), keep me informed, make me think, make me laugh and make me cry. I rage with you, I grieve with you and I rejoice with you. This community has become a major part of where my heart lies. In closing, I ask that you all please remember our troops this election day, which is also my birthday. (Hint: great gift = vote, please) Please, please vote your conscience and your heart.