With
Jew Hackman,
Ally Barrie,
Ean McKellar,
Jannik Femsen,
Ann Paskins,
Becka Romaine,
Jamie Madsen,
Erin Stafford and
Pat Stuard reprising their roles as "Magnet", "Mysteria", "Phallux", "Rouge", "Cyclotz", "Tyrone", "Severe Weather", "Badger" and "Inspector Charles Gagdet", respectably,
X Man 3: The Last Dance comes pirouetting into the rehearsal space and does a little "crunk-break routine" of its own, complete with jazz hands and "the robot", tap dancing around the subject and right into your heart, making you sit on the edge of your seat, frozen or on fire. Or both.
We pick up right where we left off, except a couple few years later, during which our X persons have taken a little hiatus from saving the world. And there's only one thing a mutated freak can do to feel welcomed and not out of place: become a Broadway chorus member. So you think they can dance?
"Boy [snap], boy [snap], crazy [snap] boy [snap]! [snap]
Stay loose, boy!
Breeze it [snap], buzz it [snap], easy [snap] does it [snap] [snap]
Turn off the juice, boy!
Go man, go,
But not like a yo-yo schoolboy.
Just play it cool, boy,
Real cool!
[snap]"
That's right, folks, you guessed it: "The Great White Whale", Broadway itself, makes a cameo appearance.
Badger understudies Rum Tum Tigger in The Cat; Inspector Charles Gadget plays a Roman Centurian in I, Claudius: The Musical; Severe Weather plays the scenery in Movin' On Out; Mysteria plays the AIDS virus in Renters; Magnet handles the sound effects for Lion Kingdom; Rouge does hair & makeup for The Phantom of the Popstar; Tyrone plays Gary Oldman in Avenue Q&A; Cyclotz plays Zipporah Gatling in The Colored People; and Phallux re-choreographs ABBA Mia to make it less disco-y and more modern-esque, and explosive, literally.
And watch very closely to see a very special appearance by honorary mutant Broadway freak shows Bernadette Peters and Michael Crawford. Yucky!!!
But hold onto your dance belts, folks, because there's a storm brewin' over there at the Legion of Various and Sundry Trouble Making Rich People With Mucho Gusto Free Time, and our heroic carnival geeks trade in their "legwarmers" for "truth and justice warmers". And a can opener, what with all the cans of "whoopsass" they'll be "opening", and they're off to save the day. Again.
But I wouldn't bust out the Latin Hustle just yet, Jan Travolla, because this "line dance" doesn't end in a "limbo contest". Dr. Frank McGraw (Casey Grammar) has discovered a top-secret virus that will turn everyone on the planet, earth, into a gay homosexual of the lesbian variety. Which means that while Home Depot and Craftsman stock may skyrocket to all time highs, fashion, hair, and interior decorating "go down" on each other to all time new lows. I haven't seen this much cat-cleaning since little Whiskers fell into the Sangria filled punchbowl at my "Come As Your Favorite Cher" Party. (I tried to pull off "Half-breed", but my moccasins were too tight and I spent the entire evening looking like I was walking on hot coals. Lame!)
In the most compelling homo-erratica scene since Wild Thingies, our metrosexual saviors "put their freak on" and start sashaying mulleted tool belt wearing she-males right into the orchestra pit during intermission. "5, 6, 7, 8 and..." Mr. Sulu: Set a course for fabulous!
With a plot twist highly reminiscent of Matrix: Unplugged, A Funny Thing didn't Happen On The Way To this Forum, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "dancing queen". X Man 3: The Last Dance makes The L Word look like "the G Spot". (Hmm... Uhh...)
Encore, encore, bravissimo, curtain calls, play it again, Sammy, and make it one more for the road, folks: We don't want movies like X Man 3: The Last Dance. We need movies like X Man 3: The Last Dance, if for no other reason than homosexuality of a queer nature may be forbidden by The Good Book itself (namely, Hardy Boys: Mystery of the Haunted Mineshaft), still, lesbians really do ruin everything. But at least a gay dude can cut your hair, pick out a nice shirt, and tell you where to put the sofa.