Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 19, 2007
Note: Time spent reading today's C&J will be deducted from your lifespan at twice the normal speed. We have no idea why but maintenance is working on it.
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By the Numbers:
Days ‘til the Chinese New Year: 30 (Year of the Glutton)
Days 'til Lincoln's birthday: 24
The last time President Bush hit 50% in a Gallup poll: 5/05
Number of Internet users in America: 205,327,000
(Source: Parade magazine)
Percent of Cuban citizens who say they support the Castro regime: 47%
Percent who don't: 40%
(Source: Gallup poll via The Week magazine)
Prediction: New England: 21 Indianapolis: 10
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,768
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "I'm sorry I blamed my fart on you. Kinda."
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CHEERS to Democrats at the helm. Nancy Pelosi promised a slate of progressive reforms within the House's first 100 hours...and blew through it (with robust Republican support) in less than half the time. Since you have 58 hours left, come up here and shovel my driveway.
JEERS to dangerous minds. Alberto "Dick" Gonzales went in front of the Senate Judiciary committee yesterday and---with a straight face---suggested that the writ of habeas corpus (which guarantees that people can't be jailed indefinitely without hearing the charges against them in a courtroom) isn’t guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution. When asked what was guaranteed, the boy Attorney General responded: "guns and government cheese."
CHEERS to getting' what's coming to ya. Robert Novak---one of "them"---predicts mayhem in his party:
"Iraq is a black hole for the Republican Party," a prominent party strategist told me this week. What makes his comments so important is that he is not a maverick Republican in Congress but one of Bush's principal political advisers. [...]
One nationally prominent Republican pollster reported confidentially on Capitol Hill after the president's speech that if at the end of the year U.S. troops are still in Iraq and U.S. blood is still being spilled there, the GOP disaster in 2008 will eclipse 2006.
Close, but no cigar. Even if we pull out in 2007 (and I hope we do), the stench of Iraq will still smell so bad by November of '08 that the GOP will only have one plank in their party platform: "We resolve to stick our head between our legs and kiss our ass goodbye. Now drop the goddam balloons already and open the bar."
CHEERS to swallowing a bitter pill. After batting away Republican efforts to kill it, the Senate, by a vote of 96-2, passed their first major bill of the year, which will tighten ethics rules. Among the provisions:
Extend from one to two years the time a former member must wait before he can lobby Congress.
Require more reporting by lobbyists of their interactions with Congress.
Require public disclosure of home-state projects added by senators to bills.
In an unusual move, Senators whose greed-addled brains wouldn’t allow them to utter the word "yea" were permitted to simply blink their eyes.
CHEERS to serious spokespeople. On January 19, 1903, a new bicycle race called the "Tour de France" was announced. The most important lesson learned from the inaugural event: leave the banana seat at home.
JEERS to double trouble. In today's lead editorial, the Portland Press Herald appears to forget that there are many New Ways Forward:
[A]ny posturing [by Bush’s opponents] should be tempered with a dose of realism. The troop surge is almost certain. And, while it is not a surefire plan for turning things around in Iraq, it's the only plan on the table now that aims to achieve what we set out to do there.
And Jonah Goldberg, in a syndicated column on the same page, says:
Bush came up with the "surge" plan. Will it work? Nobody knows. But the one thing the American people know about George W. Bush is that he wants to win. What the Democrats believe is anybody's guess.
That's right...pay no attention to the plans by Murtha, Kennedy, Biden/Levin/Hagel, the Iraq Study Group, Dodd... Shall I continue??? Jerks.
CHEERS to Dennis Kucinich. Kos may roll his eyes at the Ohio congressman, but I say anyone who advocates bringing back the Fairness Doctrine gets a gold star in my book. And now for an opposing view: "Bill, you ignorant slut."
CHEERS to good spelling. On this date in1955, Scrabble made its debut. C&J's highest scoring word: ZZXXQQ (pronounced "Zzuhzzhkuh"). Our highest-scoring word while sober: "Ant."
JEERS to shooting the innocent bystander. Comedian Rich Little may not be in his prime, but he's a thoroughly decent man, still a darn good impersonator, does a lot of charity work on behalf of sick kids, and he's spent several decades making people laugh, which is more than I can say for 99.999% of all the bloggers (thankfully not too many on this site) who are heaping scorn on him. The White House Correspondents Association may be playing it very, very, very, very safe after Stephen Colbert tore the president a new asshole last year---which you can debate all you want---but that's no reason to hammer Little. He's worked just as hard as any comedian and that merits some respect. So stop it...or I'll send Dennis Miller and P.J. O'Rourke over to have sex in your living room.
JEERS to Rick Santorum. The former senator says Bush's plan for Iraq is downright Lincolnesque. Which answers the question: "Guess why Rick Santorum is a former senator?"
CHEERS to natural beauty. And Happy 77th Birthday to Maine's Acadia National Park. Even with a Martha Stewart abode up there, it's still awful purty. And so quiet that some nights you can hear the sound of ice shelves breaking off of Greenland.
CHEERS to comeuppance. Former Rep. Bob Ney---a victim of the Abramoff scandal---was sentenced to the electric chair two-and-a-half years in the slammer today. Not the regular slammer...the one with tennis courts and heated toilet seats. But caddying for the warden---that’s gonna hurt.
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One Year Ago in C&J: January 19, 2006...
CHEERS to the healing power of the cheer. Yesterday, C&J gave a shout out to miner Randal McCloy, Jr., who had been taken out of intensive care. Within hours, it was reported that he'd started emerging from his coma, moving his arms and legs and opening his eyes. Now imagine what I can do when I jeer someone. (Kneel, cur...)
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Molly, by golly. C&J's stubborn, shedding, slobbery and unbelievably gorgeous chocolate lab turns six tomorrow (matching my age in human years---42). In 1870, nine years before he became a U.S. Senator, attorney George Vest (D-MO) defended a farmer whose hunting dog, "Old Drum," had allegedly been killed by a neighbor. Vest didn’t call anyone to the witness chair or trot out exhibit A, B, C or D. Instead, he simply said this...
Gentlemen of the jury:
The best friend a man has in this world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son or daughter that he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our good name, may become traitors to their faith. The money that a man has, he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most.
A man's reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees to do us honor when success is with us may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its clouds upon our heads. The one absolutely unselfish friend that a man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him and the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous is his dog.
Gentlemen of the jury, a man's dog stands by him in prosperity and in poverty, in health and in sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground, where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near his master's side.
He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer. He will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince. When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wings and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.
If fortune drives the master forth an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him to guard against danger, to fight against his enemies, and when the last scene of all comes and death takes the master in its embrace and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by his graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true even to death."
He won the case. Happy Birthday, old lady.
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Have a great weekend. Go "slip" on some ice and sue sue sue! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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