From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
C&J counters Jerome & Co.'s energy plan with a three-pronged initiative of our own:
1. Harnessing bioflatulence 2. Commuter dirigibles 3. Frantic distress calls to other planets.
Clearly, I suck at this. So please carve out some time today to read Energize America: Achieving U.S. Energy Security by 2020. In clean, easy-to-follow language, some very talented Kossacks offer hope that we can pull our collective goose out of the EZ-Bake oven before it's cooked. It deserves serious scrutiny and wide attention. Great job.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... ["SOS...Pluto!...Send icecaps!!"] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 18, 2006
Note: In our ongoing effort to thwart "evildoers" locally, C&J reported the following to the Portland police during the month of April: two illegally parked cars; one raucous late-night party by the college kids across the street; one hydrogen bomb hidden in a baby carriage; four discarded cigarette butts in our driveway (DNA tests pending); one yapping dog.
cc: Michael Chertoff
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the YearlyKos convention in Las Vegas June 8-11: 21
Days `til hurricane season begins: 14
Amount spent per year on U.S. Army basic training: $2 Billion
Number of Army psychologists employed to, among other things, determine the emotional state in which recruits will most freely shoot at the human form: 100
(Source: Rolling Stone via The Week magazine)
Amount of paper Americans recycled in 2005: 51 million tons
Percent of all consumed paper products that number represents: 52%
(Source: Fortune via The Week magazine)
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Behold the power of...The Underdog! (Personally, I would've peed on the sign.)
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CHEERS to indoor grilling. General Michael Hayden's confirmation hearings begin today in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee. Our prediction: expect fireworks from Feingold and Levin on the left and Hagel on the right. As for Maine's Olympia Snowe? She'll just sit back and be eye candy.
JEERS to the Bush plan for Iraq. Chocolates and flowers were thrown yesterday at the Senate Appropriations defense subcommittee gathering. Well, at least they were until the guys in charge started answering questions:
Sen. Richard Durbin, D-Ill., told Rumsfeld he saw no convincing evidence that the administration's claims of progress in training Iraqi security forces are supported by the facts on the ground. He pressed Rumsfeld to say whether the American public could be assured of a major U.S. troop withdrawal by year's end.
"I can't promise it," Rumsfeld said, adding that he nonetheless is hopeful that it will happen.
Gen. Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who testified with Rumsfeld, was asked by Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., whether U.S. troops could withdraw completely from any of Iraq's 18 provinces within the next three months.
"No, sir," Pace replied.
We hear Durbin beaned Pace with his dauber during the post-session Bingo game. Rough day.
CHEERS to puncturing the right's bubble. Hannity, O'Reilly, Rush and their droolhardy ilk have been saying that the recent criticism of Rumsfeld by a gaggle of retired generals is hurting the morale of our troops. From yesterday's Senate Appropriations committee hearings:
Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., asked Rumsfeld and Pace whether the generals' criticism had a negative affect on the troops.
"As far as morale of the force, no impact, sir," [Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Peter] Pace said.
"I haven't noticed anything," Rumsfeld said.
Don'tcha love it when the wingers' idols turn around and shoot `em in the kneecaps?
JEERS to the roar of the bear. With the Dow tanking, like, five thousand points in the last week, let's check the historical record of the 30 Industrials for some perspective. Mr. Money...meet Mr. Mattress.
CHEERS to the Great Wall of America. The Senate approved building a 370 mile-long fence along the Mexican border yesterday. The fence is described as "triple-layered." The architect will be the research & development chief at HuggiesTM.
P.S. What kind of labor force could we tap in order to build it on time and under budget? Hmm... Hmm...
CHEERS to money in yo pocket. President pro-tempore George W. Bush signed $70 billion in tax cut extensions into law yesterday. I don't yet know what I'll be doing with the $46 I'll save this year. For now I'm just dreaming. Dreaming big.
JEERS to Wankerville, USA. In Black Jack, Missouri, the city council upheld an ordinance that says unmarried couples with kids can't live under the same roof. From Mayor McNasty's testy press release:
The purpose of these occupancy permit laws generally is to: avoid overcrowding by non-related parties, assure the lifelong maintenance of the cities housing stock, prevent new buyers from being obligated to repair residences that were not kept up to code, preserve the character of the neighborhoods and the City and to protect the general safety and welfare of the City's residents.
So...a drunk, we-don't-give-a-shit married couple with 20 destructive, detention-prone brats can pack themselves into a shack with the city's blessing. But two unmarried pillars of society---say, a doctor and a social worker who are both into gardening and home improvement---with two kids who volunteer to read to the elderly at a local nursing home on weekends and maintain a 4.0 grade-point average will get their butts tossed onto the curb. Proof positive that all politics may be local---but brains are clearly optional.
STOP IT, YER KILLING US! to Truthout.org. Their latest update on Karl Rove's imminent indictment has the same effect on our psyche as Pavlov's bell. The latest: apparently they've received independent confirmation from traditional-media types. C'mon, Fitz, pull the trigger...I think our champagne is starting to turn.
CHEERS to edukashun. 153 years ago today, Massachusetts ruled that all school-age children must attend school. Crazy activist liberals---will they never stop?
JEERS to stubble discrimination. C&J EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION: Guess how many of our U.S. senators sport facial hair? Absolutely none. Unless you run into Kay Bailey Hutchinson during an "off-NairTM" week.
CHEERS to freeing Willy. After decades of long, hard searching, scientists finally found King Tut's penis. Wendy's immediately apologized and offered the Antiquities director a fresh bowl of chili.
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One Year Ago in C&J: May 18, 2005:
JEERS to selective outrage. Let me get this straight. White House Press Secretary Scott "Lobotomies are Fun!" McClellan slams Newsweek for "hiding behind" an anonymous government source in its story on Koran abuse by guards at Guantanamo. His beef: it hurts America. But when Robert Novak "hid behind" an anonymous government source to blow the cover of a CIA operative a couple years ago---putting the lives of other agents at risk and hampering our efforts to keep WMDs out of terrorist hands---the silence was deafening. Uh oh...my extended middle finger seems to be locked in place (sorry, boss).
CHEERS to fond farewells. Tomorrow marks the last time we'll ever stand in line for the premiere of a Star Wars movie. Tonight we dine with old friends. May the fava beans be with you.
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And just one more...
JEERS to C&J Auto Repair. Good news: we replaced your wiper blades. Bad news: We may have to replace a few other things. Ya wanna put that on yer Visa, Mastercard or Discover?
Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Those who do further research and exercise critical judgment will discover that assertions made in 'The Da Vinci Code' about Cheers and Jeers lack support among reputable scholars."
---Opus Dei
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