Happy National Coming Out Day

Today is the 11th National Coming Out Day I've celebrated as an "out" gay man, and while that's been an important part of my personal growth, it places a distant second from my other "coming out" experience - the fall of 1998, when I finally understood that coming out, for me at least, had to mean something far more than simply telling people "I'm gay".  It meant taking a stand and advocating for those who, for whatever reason, might not be able to come out, or suffer negative consequences for coming out.

In the fall of 1998, I hadn't given much thought to "gay activism"; I knew I'd been fortunate in that I'd not suffered significant repercussions in coming out.  It had been relatively anti-climactic, in fact - nothing at all like the wild scenarios I'd spent years imagining and fearing.  Occasionally there was an "Oh....." followed by awkward silence, but most people I told were much more casual - from "Well, it's about time!" to "Yeah, I kinda figured."  Pretty painless.

And so, in the fall of 1998, I was at conservative Texas A&M University; I had a boyfriend, I was teaching freshmen courses, I was working on a PhD; my boyfriend was generally welcomed by coworkers, fellow grad students and (most of) my professors.  I didn't shy away from engaging in research projects on LGBT issues in my classes.  Life was good.  We had a small social circle, we were "out" and didn't have any real challenges, even at A&M.

But, in the fall of 1998 within a month of each other, two people I knew - both males - hung themselves.  "Wayne" was older than me, and we'd worked together for four years.  No one knew he was gay - no one had a clue.  For years he'd had a "roommate" but no one had ever thought anything of it - they never were seen together, they seemed to have separate lives, and were merely that - roommates.  "Wayne" had mentioned that his roommate was leaving, moving to Colorado, but he didn't appear outwardly distressed - noting that they'd been roommates for a long time, but little more than that.  When, uncharacteristically, he didn't come in to work on a Monday, the admin. assistant called and left a message on his machine, asking if he was ok.  When he still hadn't come in on Wednesday, she called his parents, who were local, to see if they'd heard from him.  The police found him hanging from a pipe in the basement, along with the note, explaining that he couldn't imagine life without his "roommate".  That was the first time anyone - friends, parents, co-workers - had had any clue that "Wayne" and his male roommate had been anything other than roommates.

"Jared" was a little different.  A bright, engaging young freshman, "Jared" had come to A&M from San Antonio.  He wasn't in my class, but I'd met him a number of times through other students.  "Jared" had graduated high school, come out to his Southern Baptist parents, and left for A&M. They cut him off; they hung up the phone every time he tried to call.  They told him he wasn't their son.  "Jared" survived for a few months; he was surrounded by other youth who supported him emotionally as best they could, but the day came when he didn't show up for class.  That afternoon, a cleaning woman walked into the room of a local motel and found him hanging from the rack in the closet.  Given the way they're constructed, he'd had to try really hard to make it work, but he'd done it.  And the note he left stated that he wasn't ashamed of being gay, but he just couldn't live without his parents' love.  A group of the student went to San Antonio for the funeral, bedecked in rainbows and pink triangles.  They reported that "Jared's" parents - members of the "family values" crowd - stood dry-eyed and stiff at the graveside.

And so that fall of 1998 was my second "coming out" - coming out to a realization that those of us who have the privilege of a supportive circle of family and friends, have a greater responsibility to fight on behalf of those who don't.  But it took the loss of two lives to help me understand that.

I immediately joined the planning committee of Aggie Allies, and when the time came, I changed the direction of my career and now work with LGBT youth on campus.  As on other campuses, we're celebrating National Coming Out Day with a full week's worth of events and activities this year. There aren't really that many of us who are paid to do this work on our campuses - you can find us on line at the National Consortium of Directors of Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Resources in Higher Education

That it took the loss of two lives to help me understand that I have a greater responsibility is something I have alway regretted, and so, true to my own evangelical upbringing, every time I give a training, every time I talk to people about why I do the work I do, I give my "witness".  I tell the stories of "Wayne" and "Jared".

There are others right now who need us on this National Coming Out Day - the rights and safety of Trans people are in danger of being stripped from the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. It is better for us to have no ENDA than for us to leave our trans brothers and trans sisters behind.  Please take the time to help either 1) reinforce the inclusion of trans people in ENDA, or 2) prevent the bill from passing. You can do so at the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force site.

Happy Coming Out Day.  Feel welcome to share your coming out experiences, as an LGBT person, an Ally, or an activist in the comments. I'll be leaving soon for work but I'll check back in regularly.

And many thanks to rserven for inspiring my diary today.