Why I Hate Christmas: Santa Claus

Pastordan asks over at Street Prophets for us to explain why we hate Christmas.  My answer is too long for a comment, so I'm making it a diary over here.  I hope it will also educate and inform the dKos readership.

I hate Christmas because I am a true-blue Democrat.  You may think that as a Democrat you are not required to hate Christmas. If you think this (and I hope you don't), you would be mistaken and I will explain why.

Real Democrats are not religious, we are secular progressives.  Ask Bill O'Reilly, he'll tell you.  As a secular progressive, I am completely unconcerned about the religious meaning of Christmas.  What I must concern myself with are the secular symbols and imagery of Christmas.  Everyone knows that the biggest secular image of the Christmas season is that jolly old elf himself; Santa Claus.

As a true Democrat, I can't support Santa Claus, therefore I hate Christmas.  Reasons after the jump.

First of all, as a true-blue secular progressive Democrat, I support a unionized workforce.  Who represents the elves in labor disputes?  No one.  They work tirelessly to provide toys to the children, yet when was the last time they got any concessions on pay or benefits?  I haven't heard of one.  A non-unionized workforce is an abomination in the eyes of a Democrat, thus I can't accept this jolly old elf's union-busting ways or the holiday with which he is associated.  I hate Christmas.

Second, as a true-blue secular progressive Democrat, I can't support free trade.  Santa flies in every year and delivers free toys made from the sweat of non-union labor and doesn't pay a single tariff or tax on any of it. Not one solitary cent.   How can American toy manufacturers compete with someone who offers toys and delivery for only the cost of a couple of cookies and some milk?  They can't and we are hemorrhaging American jobs because of it. I can't accept this jolly old elf's free trade stance or the holiday with which he is associated.  I hate Christmas.

Third, Santa supports bigotry.  As a Democrat, I can't tolerate bigotry of any sort.  This bigotry is nothing new and has even been memorialized in song.  They've made TV specials about it.  What is this bigotry, you ask?  He obviously associates with those who say hateful things about red-nosed reindeer (emphasis mine).

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.

Santa has never come out against these other reindeers discriminating against Rudolph.  Oh, he used him when he needed him and Rudolph surely went down in history, but the acceptance of this discrimination stands to this day.  Santa continues to associate with these other reindeers and by not shunning them, he implicitly accepts their stance on the issue.  What he actually does for red-nosed reindeer is of no consequence, he has shown himself to be anti-red-nosed reindeer.  As a Democrat, I can't accept this jolly old elf's bigotry or the holiday with which he is associated.  I hate Christmas.

Lastly, and most importantly, Santa has a horrible record of delivering on promises.  As a true-blue secular progressive Democrat, I believe in delivering what is promised.  Who can forget the Christmas of '78?  I wrote Santa the letter- just as required and  I left out the milk and cookies- just like I was supposed to.  Where is my Pong fat man?  I asked for a PONG.  Not a sweater with a horse design on the front.  Not another set of cap pistols (which I was far too poor to keep rebuying the strips of ammo for).  PONG.  That's it, that's all I asked for.  How hard can that be? As a Democrat, I can't accept this jolly old elf not bringing me my damn Pong or the holiday with which he is associated.  I hate Christmas.

P.S.  Dear Santa, we can forget this whole thing if you just bring me the Pong this year.

Thank You
Your Friend Always,

James