Pheasants I have known

Pheasants were much in the news yesterday as the fowl of choice for proving Mike Huckabee's manliness to the media pool in Iowa.

Commenting on Huckabee's photo-op, dday observes that when a Democratic presidential candidate goes bird hunting he's depicted by journalists as a phony; when a Republican does the same, he's authentically virile.

Another, more direct way of summing up yesterday's event would be this: Manly or not, Mike Huckabee is a sociopath. But I digress.

Pheasants I have known, though mild-mannered enough in a general sort of way, are truly some of the most pathetic creatures you'll ever want to meet. And not to be cruel about it, they're just plain dumb...

...for the pheasant is rather a stupid bird.

I've encountered pheasants sauntering along the verge of the road, and as I trudge past they'll eye me with just a trace of suspicion - but take no real precautions. My suspicion is that there's no need at all for guns if getting a pheasant is your aim. With the pheasants hereabouts, you could probably just reach out and grab them by the neck as they eye you. If that is what you're really aiming for, to get yourself a pheasant.

My neighbor, an avid hunter, will happily while away an afternoon – out of season - watching the deer foraging along our ridge. But he refuses to hunt pheasant. Why bother, he says.

They're too stupid. I've got better things to do.

So I noted with interest that Huckabee gave up a planned duck hunt on Boxing Day.

The former Arkansas governor said back home he would be duck hunting on the day after Christmas, but pheasant hunting in Iowa — eight days before the state's leadoff nominating caucuses — was a good substitute.

Duck hunting requires a certain amount of stealth, an investment in time, as well as some skill. Even worse, wire-service quality photos of the duck-hunting operation can be difficult to obtain. So, yes, a pheasant hunt was a good substitute.

For one thing, Huck didn't have to walk far beyond the media pool, standing by the edge of a meadow, to get his dumb bird. And for another thing, he got to shoot at the media pool.

Another bird surfaced and it flew, and flew, and flew.

Right toward us.

POP! POP! POP!

We ducked our heads and scattered. "That was too close," a cameraman said. Nobody was wearing orange anything. The hunting expert said the buckshot wouldn't hurt us if it landed on our heads.

Huckabee's party drew closer and he seemed pleased at our discomfort.

Watch the video for yourself. That ought to put to rest the question of whether Huckabee is a serious hunter. Before you ever head off into the woods for the first time, people will tell you earnestly and at some length about the "don't-fire-that-gun-at-anybody-else" rule. Huckabee never got that lecture evidently.

The bigger problem is that we've already got a President with the same stupefying mentality as this preacher man, and he's the object of considerable fear and revulsion.

As the engine roared to life, White House staffers tried to steer the press corps to safety, but when the tractor lurched forward, they too were forced to scramble for safety."Get out of the way!" a news photographer yelled. "I think he might run us over!" said another. White House aides tried to herd the reporters the right way without getting run over themselves. Even the Secret Service got involved, as one agent began yelling at reporters to get clear of the tractor. Watching the chaos below, Bush looked out the tractor's window and laughed, steering the massive machine into the spot where most of the press corps had been positioned. The episode lasted about a minute, and Bush was still laughing when he pulled to a stop. He gave reporters a thumbs-up.

That is what a presidency by the Huckster would look like, mark my words.

Well anyway, not content with having threatened the lives of the reporters on hand in Osceola, Huckabee wanted those same reporters to record and broadcast some thinly veiled threats toward his rivals in the Republican primary:

Ina Jaffe: "What does hunting pheasants have to do with running for President?"

Huckabee: "It has everything to do with running for President. Because that way you prove that you can shoot and if somebody really messes with you with negative campaign ads, they just need to be prepared...I have mentioned nobody's name. I'm just talking about, you know, taking care of business."

And when he was through threatening his rivals with violence, Huckabee took aim at Iowa voters as a whole:

"You like to speak in metaphors, governor," one reporter asked. "What's the metaphor for this?"

"Don't get in my way," Huckabee said. "This is what happens." He looked down at the three lifeless birds, now laid out in the snow. Someone asked which bird was named Romney. "Each of these three birds made a sacrifice for the campaign," Huckabee said. "We're just asking Iowans to make much less of a sacrifice on caucus night."

And just to hammer the point home with the flat end of his wit, Huckabee added (in an homage to Bush's most vicious public style):

"These three birds all said they would not vote for me on 
caucus night. You see what happened to 'em. Now that one that flew away? We saw a Huckabee button on his rear-end, and so we knew not to take him."

In other words, as reporter Ina Jaffe noted, "if you vote for me, you live."

As I remarked when the former Arkansas governor expressed satisfaction at having executed more men than any of his predecessors,  that's more than tough. That's Huckabee tough.

"If someone tries to tell you that I’m soft on crime, well that would be real news to the sixteen people whose executions I carried out. They didn’t think I was being real soft," Huckabee said.