Why neither Obama nor Edwards will be our next President

You can take all of your scenarios and hypotheses and theories, all of your sophisticated political analysis and what-if calculations, all of your hopes and beliefs and crossed-fingers and toss them in the trash can.  I am here to tell you the raw, unvarnished truth:

Neither Barack Obama nor John Edwards will be elected the next President of the United States.

You may not like this truth, you may wish to deny it or try to argue fervently against it, but in the end you will be forced to acknowledge the reality.  There is one overriding, indisputable factor that simply guarantees that neither of these men stands a chance in the 2008 election, and that reason is this:

Because I'm rooting for them.

I would be thrilled, satisfied, gratified, and content beyond measure to enter January 2009 with the knowledge that either President Obama or President Edwards is now going to lead our country back from the Dark Side.  But it's not going to happen, precisely because I want it to happen.  It sucks, but that's how it is.

I have been following Presidential politics religiously for more than 30 years, having first dipped into those unsafe waters during the 1976 election.  That year, I latched onto the campaign of Mo Udall, still perhaps the best Democratic candidate we've ever had the privilege to vote for.  Mo gave Jimmy Carter a run for his money, but the Peanut Farmer had too much momentum, too big a smile, and just the right strategy for the primaries, and walked away with the nomination.  Carter has become a much better man in his post-Presidency years than he ever was in the Oval Office, and as a candidate he was definitely unappealing, a milque-toast centrist all but indistinguishable from Gerald Ford at the time.  I could never get worked up about Carter, whereas Udall carried the promise of a truly charismatic, intelligent, honest, and progressive Presidency that might have really made a difference in our country's history (maybe we never would have had to suffer through Reagan...).

Anyway, from that ignoble beginning, I have forged an unblemished, perfect record of rooting for Presidential candidates who have never once succeeded in getting elected.  In 1980, I actively supported Jerry Brown in his quixotic attempt to unseat Carter, and would have also preferred Ted Kennedy, given the chance.  In 1984, I hopelessly latched onto Jesse Jackson's bid, and briefly entertained having an affair with Gary Hart, before watching Walter Mondale crash and burn as I knew he would.  In 1988, while I continued to flail away on behalf of Jesse Jackson, I actually didn't mind the nomination of Dukakis, but he was torched by Bush Sr. in the general election anyway.

Bill Clinton was never my guy, although in retrospect he sure seems like a great President compared to both his successor and his predecessors: an oasis of intelligence and seriousness in a vast sea of idiocy and bullshit.  But in 1992, I preferred Paul Tsongas, or even the return of Jerry Brown, to yet another centrist Southern Governor.  The 1996 election sort of violates my claim to perfection, as I had no choice but to support Clinton's re-election, as the only other candidates out there were Dole, Perot, and Lyndon Larouche, but since it was a re-election of my non-preferred candidate, that doesn't really count.

In 2000, I wanted absolutely anyone but George W. Bush to be President.  I was fine with Al Gore, would have been fine with Bill Bradley, would have even held my nose for McCain by contrast with Georgie.  I never expected the absurd nail-biter melodrama of that election night, and for a few sweet minutes it actually felt like we might have Gore as President, before the blackness came crashing down around us.  Finally, in hopes of replacing Dr. Evil in 2004, I never thought John Kerry was the right choice, and he's somebody I even sort of knew.  Like many on this site, I swooned for Howard Dean for awhile, but eventually found myself leaning toward Edwards, if only because I really thought he was the most electable opponent to Bush, as well as a strong, charismatic populist with whom I agreed on most issues. So that pretty much doomed his chances as well.

So as you can see, my personal political choice for President is essentially the Kiss of Death to any candidate, and I deeply regret that this year I have not even had the good sense to make a solid choice between Obama and Edwards (which might have enabled the other one to have a shot at the election).  In effect, I have doomed them both.  Whether this means we will end up with Hillary, or another Republican, I can't say, as the curse only assures who will lose, not who will win.  I apologize to all the Obama and Edwards supporters out there; next time around, I suggest that somebody should hypnotize me into rooting for all the Republicans at the same time.