Satan's Attorneys Deny Claim That Kos Readers Are Devil Worshipers

Like Garth Brooks, I've got friends in low places.  So I sent an email off to my friend Luciel Baal Pendragon of the firm Pendragon, Gideon, Mephisto & Scratch in the Infernal Kingdom of Hades, asking him if he had any inside information on Bill O'Reilly's allegation about Kos readers.

His response follows.

(The background on this letter comes from The Stellar Almanac:  A History And Tour Guide of the Infernal Kingdom of Hades ISBN 087707-137-3, by P. Scott Hollander published in 1974 by Apollo/Athena Enterprises.  The book is long since out of print but may be found with used or rare book dealers.  Or I could arrange for you to have one.  Just sign here on the contract.  Blood is fine.  

Mr. Stephen *******
Lincoln, Nebraska

My dear Stephen:

It was good to hear from you, especially since you are finally in recovery from the disease of being a lawyer.  Conditions here in the IK of course make that practice much easier.  Still, I am glad you are kicking the habit.

With regard to your question concerning whether those who read "left wing blogs are Satan worshipers," my response comes in several parts.

1.  I am sure you are aware that His Infernal Majesty rejects any worship of any kind, and, indeed, tends to become annoyed when it is displayed.  Needless to say, and despite the allegations of many Terrestrial so-called religious leaders, Satan does not control anyone in the Terrestrial Kingdom.  Therefore if a mortal chooses to worship Satan, YHVH, the Wise Bula or Mr. O'Reilly, that is completely their business.  I can say without fear of contradiction that under any reasonable person's concepts, reading a certain book, weblog, or other publication would not automatically make them "Satan worshippers," especially since His Infernal Majesty just doesn't want to be worshipped.

2.  Even were something such as "Satan worship" to exist in reality, our privacy policies would not permit us to disclose the status of any mortal vis-a-vis the Infernal Kingdom.  So I regret to say that not only am I prohibited from telling you whether any reader of Daily Kos (or anyone else, for that matter) has "sold his or her soul to the Devil;"  I am also prohibited from stating whether Mr. O'Reilly is expected in the Infernal Kingdom at any time in the future, either voluntarily or as a convict by the Divine Judge's sentence.  As with all mortals and immortals, Mr. O'Reilly is master of his own fate, and must ultimately face the consequences of his behavior in the Terrestrial Kingdom.

3.  I have, however, been authorized to tell you that the Chief Advisor to the Infernal Crown has been researching which category of punishment should be meted out to false journalists:  do they fall under "false prophets and other false religious leaders," or "those who are a colossal waste of their own abilities," or some classification which transcends the usual categories. He claims that this is not for any mortal in particular, but you and I both know him well enough to draw our own conclusions.

I regret I cannot provide you with any more specific information.  

Hoping this finds you well and fighting the good fight, I remain,
Your servant,
L. Baal Pendragon
For the Firm