Think you could run the most powerful intelligence gathering agency in the world, except for Mossad? Apply within and find out!
Name
Rank
Cereal # (not a typo)
Job Title
Director of the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States of America
Job Description
Direct the gathering of intelligence by the United States of America's Government, i.e., the citizens of the United States of America
Job Duties
-Providing the President of the United States of America with gathered intelligence in daily "Intelligence Briefings"
-Creating a "culture of intelligence" in the agency that provides analysts and field operatives an environment in which those two departments work together cooperatively, constructively and symbiotically in order to gather intelligence, and then have that intelligence ignored
-Authorizing the torture of foreign nationals in prisons all over the globe (earth) who haven't been formally charged with any crime and who haven't been granted access to anything even closely resembling a lawyer (not counting the sewer rats in the bathroom)
-Completing the daily crossword (the Knight-Ridder one; the New York Times one is way too hard)
-Attending mixers with foreign heads of other countries' Intelligence Services
Job Hours
Monday through Friday, 6:00 AM to 7:30 PM; Saturday, 7:00 AM to 3:30 PM; Sunday through Thursday, 8:00 PM to 4:00 AM; 1945 to 1962
Please answer the following questions:
1.) How would you characterize your position on the use of torture for intelligence gathering?
a.) Torture, for any reason, in indicative of a society/culture that no longer (or never did) values the sanctity of human life, liberty, and the pursuit of not being miserable, and it (torture) should be eradicated from civilization as a whole. But until then, pretty much anything goes.
b.) Hey, I've read all of Dan Brown's novels. You tell me.
c.) Avoid the face; keeps the press guessing.
d.) When in Rome, concentrate on the testicles. When in Saudi Arabia, ignore the "eggs" and go straight for the "robin in the nest".
2.) What is "water boarding"?
a.) A form of torture that involves strapping a suspect to a long, narrow board and putting his head under water until the point of almost drowning.
b.) "Hazing", but it's no "fraternity" anybody would really ever go out of his way to join, if you know what I mean.
c.) It's like wake boarding, but the board is wider.
d.) It's when you put water up at your house, for a nominal fee.
e.) It's boarding a plane, a train or a ship. Probably a ship, given the context.
3.) Terrorists have just flown 2 planes into the World Trade Center Towers and 1 into the Pentagon. Do you:
a.) Mobilize agents in the field immediately to find out who's not responsible so that we can invade that country.
b.) Secretly wish that there's another one on the way headed for the Capitol Building.
c.) Reassess you fiscal year 2002 budget and put in some "padding" because you suspect there's gonna be some cash-flow increase headed your way.
d.) Pretend to be sleeping, which won't be that hard because you have been, at the wheel.
4.) Finish the following sentence: Torture is to intelligence gathering what____.
a.) sewing the seed is to harvest
b.) war is to peace
c.) Dean Martin is to Jerry Lewis
d.) fire is to smoke
e.) moon fluke gathers pins on tire swings bowing low before idol chatter
f.) Hall is to Oates
g.) all of the above
5.) You're the Director of a famous Intelligence Agency and it's come to your attention that there's a "mole" in your operation. Do you:
a.) Discretely inform your staff and those that work closest with the "mole" and have the "mole" "biopsied".
b.) Take a week's vacation.
c.) Ignore the problem, and it will go away. It worked for Karen Carpenter's mom.
d.) Fresh coat of paint on the walls, new carpet for the floor, and an all-you-can-eat buffet for the fishes in the Potomac.
e.) "Torture" it out of him, but not enjoy it, very much.
The Central Intelligence Agency is an equal opportunity employer and does not discriminate on the basis of race, creed, color, gender, religion, sexual preference (except bi's, who are basically walking double-agents, I mean come on), height, weight, age, hair color, prescription drug addiction, marital status, social skills, language, smell, alcoholism, political views or being Chinese.