The Hon. George W. Bush
White House
Washington, DC
Dear Mr. President,
I write to submit my name, or at least anonymous blog handle, for your consideration for the position of White House Press Secretary. My qualifications for this position are impeccable. I am familiar with the phrase "9-11 changed everything," and am able to raise it frequently and at often surprising times. I have been extensively practicing using "Saddam Hussein" and the phrase "9-11" in the same sentence, without definitively stating whether there is a relationship. On the 347 occasions that I was able to do this over Easter weekend, I threw up in my mouth less than thrice.
I have a working knowledge of "culture of life," and know not to refer to it when we are discussing the death penalty, extreme poverty, or healthcare. I am able to refer any questioner to my previous comments on a topic, whether or not those comments exist. Utilizing the latest techniques in hypnosis and sleep-therapy, I can respond in less than three seconds to the words "war," "casualties," "costs," or "strategy," with a fully formed sentence containing the phrases "Saddam Hussein," "dictator," "better off," "terrorists," "aid and comfort," and, of course, "9-11." In preparation for my first press conference, I have renamed my cat "Helen Thomas," and accuse her of supporting the terrorists' agenda each time she meows. More often than not, I am now able to do this while simulating a wounded puppy.
In anticipation of Mr. McClellan's departure, I recently traveled to Tibet, where I engaged in extensive tutoring by an obscure sect of Buddhist monks who study the art of suppressing surprise. I can now, for example, discuss the fact that a man can begin his professional career by adopting and torturing stray cats and end it as Senate Majority Leader, as if that were the natural course of American History. These same monks provided me with a useful mnemonic technique that assists in relating unfortunate current events to the Presidency of William Jefferson Clinton.
Finally, while I am not aware that I was ever photographed with Jack Abramoff, and I hardly knew him, those photographs have been deleted and are not publicly available. If I have ever played golf in Scotland, I would be surprised.
Out of consideration for your personal habits, I have not enclosed a resume, as I am aware of your dislike of excessive documentation and such documents do not appear to carry weight in your personnel decisions. I also hope to ease the burden on yourself and Mr. Cheney, by providing one less document to withhold from Congress. If, however, you at any time wish for a detailed resume, from which you may leak selected portions to the public at advantageous moments, please feel free to contact me and I will be happy to work one up for you with the same honesty and diligence demonstrated by many of your past employees. In that event, it would help if you could give me a list of the qualifications and experience that I should claim to possess.
Sincerely yours,
ChesapeakeBlue