Mugabe for War Czar

Background: There have been several good diaries about the contempt for the Constitution and the bankruptcy of vision that the search for “War Czar” demonstrates. To say nothing of the fact that the “Commander-in-Chief” (or “Commaderish Chief” as Stephen Colbert put it) seems to duplicate the War Czar’s functions. Me, I’m wondering if this isn’t Karl Rove’s attempt to short circuit the pathetic Republican primary field and build up a military alternative to Giuliani and company. Well, I was thinking about this as I ran across a post by Ken from Ken’s Kitchen at Imissfaf, when it came to me.

In this diary I share my revelation with you.

The perfect Rovian choice for War Czar.

Bob Mugabe.

(Four strong reasons why Bob’s the man for the job below the fold)

Four strong reasons why Bob’s the man for the job:

• Bob’s available.

I have it on good authority that he’s thinking about a new gig. Relax! It is voluntary. He simply feels that the very same Zanu-PF friends that he’s helped up the ladder at his current company are gunning for his job. It’s really proof that he can identify the kind of take-no-prisoners political entrepreneurs that the current industrial-military climate demands!

• Bob’s got a plan.

You might say: “Wait, can Bob put his knowledge of Zimbabwe to work in Zim-beltway?”
To which I reply: “All that. . . and more!”
That’s because Bob brings something to the position that the current insiders are sorely lacking. Bob is not above planting evidence.
Imagine the brilliance of the current administration's approach to the region.
Now add to that the discovery of a cache of pre-occupation WMD's. Bing! Then some Iranian-made IED's. Bang! And, for good measure, some French and Chinese fuel rods. Boom!
You might say: “Everyone wants to plant evidence. But how do I know Bob can get away with it?”
To which I reply: Bob's got the record to prove it. Last month Bob's police uncovered a terror plot (including dynamite, two pistols, some whistles, spray paint, and opposition t-shirts) when they raided the homes of members of the opposition MDC party.
Instant terror plot! Instant reprisals! Instant state of martial law!
And why stop there?
Who knows what they’ll find in Nancy Pelosi’s luggage on her next trip back from Damascus?

• Bob’s not afraid of success

Don Rumsfeld tried. Dick Cheney tried. A parade of generals have tried and failed. Since we know that the problem isn’t a completely incompetent chief executive (remember, folks, that was Jimmy Carter!), the only explanation is that all those past wannabe czars were too afraid of the responsibility that comes with success.
Ask Morgan Tsvangirai, the MDC opposition leader who claims that the severe head wounds he received last month while in police custody were not self-inflicted, if Bob is afraid of success.
The female UN commissioner for human rights accused Bob of “repression and intimidation of a peaceful assembly.”
To which I say, “Repressive like a fox!”

• Bob can win it all in 2008!

So, what do John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Rudy Giuliani all have in common?
Besides being political roadkill who have locked up the political donors whose money is the only thing that can keep the entire Bush administration out of jail?
Besides being clueless rich white men?
Besides being attached to a failed war like rabid dogs eating from a corpse with bovine spongiform encephalopathy? I’ll tell you.
They have no relevant experience.
Face it. Being a governor, mayor, or senator doesn’t prepare you for being a Unitary Executive. Only a dictator like Bob truly has the on-the-ground experience that can take a presidency and make it a presidency-for-life.
But, you may whine, Bob has only stolen elections in Africa, and knows too little about stealing elections in the US!
No, I resolutely reply, the beauty of Bob’s candidacy is that he can ignite the Republican base, and won’t need to steal the election!
For instance, Bob’s got family values up the wazoo. Just ask Canaan Banana, the previous president, who was jailed for sodomy. Oh, wait! You can’t, because he’s dead. Can Rudy Giuliani transform his political rivals into dead gay people? It’s kinda like the Republican equivalent of having magical powers.
Bob would eat his opponents alive (that's figurative -- Forest Whitaker was playing that other dictator. . . from Uganda!)

• Experience counts!

Experience counts. It really does. It is so true, I have to say it multiple times.
If you feel, as I do, that Bob is the man for War Czar, please follow my example and send a copy of this email to the White House:

To: [e-mail]
From: MarkC

Experience counts! Please appoint Robert Mugabe as War Czar. Thanks!