SHUT UP and Shop

Go out and buy something – you’ll feel better.  Your penis size is too small.  65% of Americans are overweight – join Jenny Craig – they have a special this month.  The South Beach Diet. The Fat Smash Diet.  The Atkins Diet.  All you can eat for $9.99 at Red Lobster.  The Star says that Lindsay Lohan is in rehab again – can you believe it?  A house down the street is for sale – 6 bedrooms only $600,000.  Try Starbucks latest Orange Crème Frappuccino with an Espresso Brownie.  What’s wrong with you? Try Viagra. Ask your doctor about Zoloft.  Consider a Hybrid SUV – a good choice for the environment.  Go to the big Sale at Home Depot - 5 bottles of Wildflower-scented-Windex for the price of 3.  Certainly you have some catalogues to go through – Lands End, J. Jill, Appleseeds, Sharper Image, Sundance, Coldwater Creek, The Company Store, Ballards Designs, Ross& Simons, Gaiam Harmony.

Need to keep the US Economy going – Consider buying a larger house.  Refinance your mortgage now, before it’s too late.  New credit card offers – American Express, Citibank, Discover (the prettiest-looking card), Chase, US Bank.  Cover your gray hair – it's disgusting.  Which would you say is better- Clairol or L’Oreal? Wax your hairy legs.  Your thighs are so flabby – try The Thighmaster.  If you’re really serious go for The Total Gym.  Ask your doctor about Zyban.  Have you seen the latest Shuffle from Apple? – it’s so tiny you can wear it on your sleeve and it comes in 5 BRILLIANT colors.  Join a Lifestyle Fitness Center or a Bally’s or a Gold’s Gym – that one right next to the Wendy’s latest Buffalo Crispy Chicken Sandwich (only 99 cents) sign.  Is Keira Knightly anorexic?  Entertainment Weekly might have the answer you need .  Or try People Magazine.  You know, CFL’s have mercury in them.  Look 10 pound lighter in a new @TM Miracle Suit.  Take Anti-aging Anti-oxidants for your health – but not beta-carotene. It might give you cancer.  You probably need Lancôme’s new anti-wrinkle crème. Estee Lauder also has a good crème.  Krispy Kreme Caramel Cream Crunch doughnuts - yum.   Go see the latest Pirates of the Caribbean with popcorn, a medium coke, and goobers or milk duds.

The Enquirer has pictures of J-Lo and Demi with cellulite – Outrageous!  Don’t you think Blake Lewis should have won the latest American Idol?  And what about Miss USA falling down on stage?  What an outrage!  Did you know that BP Alternative Energy is investing in Solar, Wind, Hydrogen power and Gas-fired power technologies?  Somebody must be lying about them having a bad environmental record.  ADM cares about farmers.  Your clothes are outdated you need to buy some more – Neiman Marcus has the latest fashions for this year via Vogue – "Spring's must-have pants are strictly tailored, superlean, and slashed just north of the ankles."  Of course YOU are too fat to wear the latest fashions.  But GlaxoSmithKline has a new FDA approved diet pill called Alli — pronounced, not coincidentally, like "ally," as in a helper or associate.  You probably need a new cellphone – you could get the Nokia 8600 Luna Luxury or the BlackBerry 8830 World Edition.  How about the T-Mobile Wing?  Life is so complicated these days.  Teva sandals are great for the summer – wear them with the latest Eddie Bauer shorts and LL Bean Polo shirt.  Your dog definitely needs a monogrammed doggie-bed from Orvis.  Did you know that "Dow sees the world through the eyes of the Human Element?"  I just saw that on CNN.  I didn't know they had humans working there.  And what about that guy in Denver with TB - shouldn't they lock him up somewhere?  GITMO? How dare he get sick - and on national TV.  The only person in the US to ever have a contagious disease, obviously.  But they have it all under control.

So what’s all the fuss here about anyway?  If you’re not careful, you might give yourself an ulcer (try Tagamet®) or high blood pressure (talk to your doctor about Lopressor).  If thousands of people were being killed in Iraq, wouldn’t it be more obvious?  Would they show it more on TV?    Wouldn’t the public be upset?  If the earth was warming up, surely people would take some action – stop driving their SUVs or something.  Look around you.  Nobody seems worried.  See how normal everything is every day. Look at your friends and family. No one is worried. Things cannot be that bad.  So go to McDonald’s and get an Egg McMuffin with cheese  or maybe to Starbucks and get one of those Caramel Macchiatos with a cinnamon scone and chill out....relax....listen to your IPOD.