From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
A rude discovery...
As most of you know, last Tuesday---after decades of struggle and two previous defeats at the polls---voters here in Maine approved a state law granting basic civil rights to gay people. Yay for us.
As the religious right sputters and fumes and waits for the sky to fall, I've been testing my newfound rights. So far I'm not too impressed.
See, when you've been kept in the cellar of inequality your whole life, it's a little weird stepping out into the sunshine for the first time. I was expecting to feel the kind of tingly euphoria you get when you receive an unanticipated tax refund. Or you open a really great Hanukkah gift (I'm not Jewish, but Bill O'Reilly has single-handedly destroyed the spirit of Christmas so I'm shopping around for a new, untainted holiday). Or someone gives you free sky box tickets to watch the Patriots beat the brains out of [insert unfortunate loser team name here]. I didn't feel equal...I felt SUPER EQUAL. Sweets and flowers equal.
So last week I took my new rights out for a spin. And boy did I get let down. For instance, we can't park in one of the special parking spaces near the entrance of a supermarket without getting towed. We can't cut in line at the movies. We can't claim a civil rights discount when we eat out. We can't walk into a bar and suck beer right out of the tap. We can't "make out" in church or "urinate" in public. Our neighbor still expects his lawnmower back. And as for government benefits, I can count the number we've gotten on one hand and have six fingers left over (an unfortunate byproduct of too many Schlitz beers and Kent cigarettes during gestation---thanks, Mom). Oh, and our "valuable" civil rights gift bag? A half-off coupon for an oil change, two pens with a Maine Turnpike Authority logo, and a pack of Twizzlers.
Now I understand why the right-wing is fighting so hard to keep us from getting married---that's where the gold is. The booty. The ch'ching! The stock options and backstage passes. In fact, there are over 1,000 benefits of marriage---including those listed here---that we're still being deprived of, even though we pay taxes and obey the law just like straight folks. So onward we push. Because now that my partner and I have tasted the salty air of equality, we want us one `o them parking spaces.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Note: Personal to Maureen Dowd: In reference to your question, Are Men Necessary?, The correct answer is: Dear God, woman, yes!!!
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Thanksgiving: 9
Number of times Bush said "terror" or "terrorists" in his Friday speech: 45
Number of times he mentioned "September the Eleventh": 6
Number of times he mentioned Osama bin Laden: 1
Number of times he mentioned Saddam Hussein: 4
Number of concrete steps he laid out for succeeding in Iraq: 0
Number of wedgies he deserves for politicizing Veterans' Day: 14
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: This week marks one year since the first appearance of C&J's now legendary puppy pic. Here's an encore of our very first one:
Attention bitches and sires! Please talk to your kids about the dangers of pot!
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CHEERS to the new Kossack on the Block. Fabooj is a mom again! The C&J regular gave birth Saturday to Alton Mihai. The kidlet was 5 weeks premature, but still a healthy 7 pounds, 9 ounces and...20 inches? Holy cra... Oh, I get it now. Now grow up to be president, kid!
CHEERS to distant shores. President Bush is out of the country, clearing brush in Asia. Loosen your belt and smoke `em if ya got `em.
P.S. Schwarzenegger's over there, too?? If they're not careful, that part of the world's gonna get slapped with a new and unwanted tourism motto: "Asia's For Losers."
JEERS to Ken Mehlman, comedian. Oh hey, check out his HI-larious one-liner by the GOP chairman on Meet the Press Sunday. Set him up, Timmy...
Tim Russert: But, Mr. Chairman, when you look at what is going on in Washington, in terms of the president's agenda---here's Bob Novak, conservative columnist: "The consequences may be profound"---talking about the elections in Jersey and Virginia. "As his approval ratings dipped, Bush increasingly has been treated in Congress as a lame duck. The Virginia outcome increases the propensity of Republican senators and House members not only to avoid their president on the campaign trail but also to ignore his legislative proposals."
Social Security: shelved. Drilling in the arctic: shelved. Budget cuts in the House: put aside.
J.D. Hayworth in Arizona said he wouldn't want the president to campaign for him in Arizona. Anne Northup in Kentucky said it wouldn't be a--she hasn't decided right now, but wants to find out whether it would be a good idea. Friday in Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum stayed in another part of the state when the president went up to Wilkes-Barre.
And look at these numbers. This is what the voters say: Preference for 2006 congressional candidates, Republican-controlled Congress, 37; Democrats, 48. Our congressional Republicans, "Do they have the same priorities as you for the country?" Same priorities, yes, 24; no, 58. "In which issues do you prefer the Democrats over the Republicans?" Environment, gas prices, health care, Social Security, education, reducing deficits, energy policy, economy, government spending, taxes, trade issues, foreign policy, abortion, immigration, ethics in government, and Iraq--16 of the 19 issues we presented to the people, they chose the Democrats. Your party's in trouble.
Mr. Mehlman: Tim, usually, when I get a poll like that, I will fire the pollster. That's my response that I usually do to that.
My sides... they hurt... make him stop...
JEERS to Editing 101. As the White House adds words to cover up a rare moment of candor from Scott McClellan, Fox News deletes words from Bill O'Reilly's statements encouraging al Qaeda to blow up San Francisco. Now if we would all agree to destroy our archived audio files of those embarrassing moments, they would be most appreciative. Fly, pig, fly!
CHEERS to curing what ales you. A nursing home in Ireland---where the average age is 85---has opened a pub for the residents, open from 11 `til 9 every day. They believe a pint or two makes 'em happier and may even increase their lifespan. Pathetic...even the Irish are kicking our butt in health care. Set `em up, orderly!
JEERS to activist judges. In an interesting turn of events, a document reveals that Supreme Court nominee Samuel "If She Floats She's A Witch" Alito believes that anyone who even thinks about the word `abortion' should be hung by their thumbs in the public square and subjected to citizen ridicule. This morning the American Rotten Produce Association and the National Coalition of Sharp Stones gave him their full support. Meanwhile the Democratic leadership---in a rare display of unity---stroked their chins thoughtfully and let out a forceful, "Hmmmm..."
CHEERS to generosity as usual. Private donations from the American people to help hurricane Katrina victims have totaled over $2.7 billion so far...the most money ever given toward a single American disaster. If, of course, you don't count all the taxpayer money that's funding the Bush cabal.
JEERS to cronyism as usual. Would somebody FIRE somebody fer chrissakes??!! FEMA hasn't---and probably won't---make good on a its pledge to re-open its biggest no-bid contracts for hurricane relief. Y'know, I've heard that stuffing worthless bureaucrats headfirst into levees gives `em extra strength. We should look into that.
CHEERS to Jimmy Carter. The former president and Nobel Peace Prize winner has the #1 book on the New York Times bestseller list. From Publishers Weekly:
Criticizing Christian fundamentalists for their "rigidity, domination and exclusion," he suggests that their open hostility toward a range of sinners (including homosexuals and the federal judiciary) runs counter to America's legacy of democratic freedom. Carter speaks eloquently of how his own faith has shaped his moral vision and of how he has struggled to reconcile his own values with the Southern Baptist church's transformation under increasingly conservative leadership. He also makes resonant connections between religion and political activism, as when he points out that the Lord's Prayer is a call for "an end to political and economic injustice within worldly regimes."
I believe my local independent bookseller will be getting a visit from me today.
CHEERS to Mary Had A Little Lamb. It's just one of the kewl tunes you can play with the buttons on your touch-tone phone, which was invented on this date in 1963. If you care, press 1 now. If you don't care, press 2. Or please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly to sell you something you don't need.
CHEERS to Leonard Pitts In case you missed our diary from the weekend, here's the hardest-hitting opening to an editorial we've seen in ages:
Well, I guess that settles that.
''We do not torture,'' President Bush said on Monday.
Never mind all those torture pictures from Abu Ghraib.
Never mind all those torture stories from Guantánamo Bay.
Never mind the 2002 Justice Department memo that sought to justify torture.
Never mind reports of U.S. officials sending detainees to other countries for torture.
Never mind Dick Cheney lobbying to exempt the CIA from rules prohibiting torture.
''We do not torture,'' said the president. And that's that, right? I mean, if you can't believe the Bush administration, who can you believe? No torture. Period, end of sentence.
But . . .
What does it say to you that the claim even has to be made?
I cede my Pulitzer to the gentleman from the Miami Herald.
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One Year Ago in C&J: November 15, 2004...
JEERS to the war on terror. So Bush says we need to combat terrorists "over there" so we won't have to deal with them "over here?" Now might be a good time for him to start reading the papers because they're already here. Hmm...I wonder what religious affiliation those domestic wackos are (Hint: it ain't Islam).
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And just one more...
"While appearing before a Senate committee, the heads of five oil companies said that while they sympathize with Americans who will face extremely high heating costs this winter, they actually don't."
---Amy Poehler on "Saturday Night Live"
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Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"When we look at a community like Cheers and Jeers we see an educated and sophisticated people who are the bearers of a great civilization."
---Condoleezza Rice
11/13/05