NH debate: We're here, we're queer, you're used to us

The New Hampshire debate was a proud day for Democrats, at least on one front. Not only do we very obviously have a better field of candidates that do Republicans, but we’re on the right side of history.

I’m speaking of the "show of hands" asking whether or not President Clinton’s policy of "Don’t ask-don’t tell" should be revised. All eight of our candidates agreed it was time to move forward.

As a young gay man and a professional in the media it offered me a moment of pause. Of reflection upon how when I embarked on my career in journalism just five years ago, I never thought this would happen, and certainly not this quickly.

Sure there’s progress to be made and occasionally the gay community is its own worst enemy, but the party reaffirmed my belief in progressivism. We saw it on stage that night.

I’ve not posted to Kos in several years. Since I became a journalist it seemed inappropriate to do so. This is, after all, a partisan site. Think of it this way: how would you like to find out a reporter at your local newspaper was a Freeper? I’ve kept reading though. It never lost its place in my bookmarks. Politics aside, I enjoy the free flow of intelligent ideas. This is a wonderful community, though I’ve never really known it from the inside.

But when I read the accounts of the New Hampshire debate (I was on vacation and didn’t get to see it live) I knew almost immediately that I’d be breaking my silence here. This is a subject near to me and, whether or not anyone reads this, I’ve never been very good at keeping my mouth shut or my pen still.

I have several thoughts about the state of homosexuality in America. My first is that, other than in the reddest of the red communities, homosexuality is largely acknowledged, if not accepted. Easy for me to say, but I just returned from my brother’s college graduation. He attended a very small, liberal arts conservatory in the heart of a red state. Many of his friends are gay. Not one spoke of having problems, despite being surrounded, literally, by thousands of red-meat Republicans and conservative Christians.

We’re here, we’re queer, you’re used to us.

With that acceptance, though, comes an inherent responsibility on my part, and for every gay American, to act accordingly. You don’t lob a spitball the first year your parents invite you to sit at the adults' table on Thanksgiving. In my view, you put your napkin on your lap, don’t talk with your mouth full and act like you belong.

As a die-hard sports fan – ahh, neo-homosexuality can be fun! – a sports cliché comes to mind. When you score, act like you’ve done it before.

Enter my beef with the gay community at large. Many of us still practice a brand of homosexuality that is "in your face" and overt. If you don’t like gays, fuck you. It’s a myopic view of the world. Lots of people aren’t going to like any one person for lots of reasons. Some people obviously focus on homosexuality, but to assume it’s the only reason you’re disliked is evidence enough of why some people don’t like you. We’re still defensive. We revert back to the homophobia defense as a way to cling to our tried-and-true, it’s-not-me-it’s-you mindset.

Take a look around. The titans of America’s progressive movement embrace homosexuality openly and in public. They all see what many of us have known in our hearts from birth, that we’re no different than straight people.

If we know that and they know that, it’s time we stopped lobbing the spitballs and started engaging in an adult discourse about the state of homosexuality and the progress still yet unrealized.

Despite my optimism, I know certain things. We are still, in the eyes of the law and a large portion of society, not created equal. We still must stand up and confront homophobia and discrimination. And like every other great social movement in the history of a nation whose progress in equality has changed the face of the world, we need to do it with persistence, not anger. There were the lions of the Civil Rights movement, King and his brothers. There was Susan B. Anthony and her sisters. It’s time that the leaders of the gay community toned down the rhetoric and turned up the obvious, that gay people deserve better. And for those of us in the rank-and-file, it’s our job to be good soldiers. That means discipline and courage. Resisting the urge to sink to the level of those who still hate us. Stop screaming and start sitting in, start having quiet conversations with the people we know disagree with us about what being gay really is.

Justice isn’t blind and she isn’t a lipstick lesbian, either. But she’s coming around.

My home city had its gay pride parade this weekend. I was out of town, but had I been here, and despite the fact that it passes my apartment, I wouldn’t have attended. I find those public events in today’s world of gay culture to be single-minded and simplistic. What’s the point? People, at least in my liberal city, know full well that gays exist. Reminding them of that does little by way of usefulness and if anything derails a far more in-depth discussion about homosexuality.

If you want to be one-dimensional, that’s fine. Just don’t be shocked when people treat you like it.

Gay pride in its current form is, at its root, no different from homophobia. It’s the decision to focus attention on a single characteristic in your personality. I have friends that love being gay. That’s great, but I’d prefer to be me. Being gay is part of me. It’s equally important to me to be viewed as intelligent, thoughtful, caring, tough. It’s just as important to me as being a journalist, a good citizen and engaged in the political process. Honestly, it’s as important to me as watching one of my city’s sports teams win a championship. It’s one facet of an otherwise richer and deeper life.

So, to my friends and contemporaries, I say this. Put down the rainbow flags, put on a cute shirt and go to work as the talented young professionals that most of us are. Be yourself. We don’t need a pride parade. We need a confidence parade and a lesson in maturity on the national scene. Images of drag queens waving while riding in an open-topped canary yellow Jeep are so 1989. Reagan isn’t president anymore. George Bush is. And if we’re going to continue the astonishing progress of the last decade, even in the face of the most overtly anti-gay presidency in our nation’s history, we’re going to need grace, not pride.

I’m done with gay pride because we have it. We can check that off the list. I’m onto fair adoption laws, legal recognition for partnerships in making end-of-life decisions and the right to openly serve our country. And yes, someday, marriage. We all have those wonderful, unalienable rights. Slowly but surely, people are recognizing that.

Kos hit the nail on the head on his post on the topic. This isn’t a culture war; it’s a war of attrition. Kids these days don’t hate gays. By the time I’m ready to retire, I’ll be able to will my Social Security (assuming it still exists) to my partner.

I hope that debate serves as a wake-up call to gays everywhere. It isn’t us versus them anymore. It’s just us. We got into the club. We came of age and paid the cover charge. There’s still a long night ahead, but Cher’s on the jukebox and there’s good news. We’re finally on the inside looking out.