More Snark: Dumpster Finds New Jobs for Media Folks
Sun Jul 22, 2007 at 06:00:26 PM PDT
An awful lot of righteous wrath has been directed at America's media, and deservedly so. They've utterly failed to fulfill their traditional role--namely, acting as a check on the arrogant, the crooked, and the dangerous in public life.
Rather than get mad, I've decided to get even. Imagining myself the Absolute Ruler of the Universe, Human Resources Division, I've decided to reassign some of the most obnoxious people what passes for our news media, and give them more--shall we say--fitting jobs.
Below the fold...Dumpster's Demotions!
Here they are, in alphabetical order:
David Broder. Shuffleboard instructor, St. Petersburg, Florida Recreation Department.
David Brooks. General manager of a Hummer dealership in a Colorado exurb.
Alan Colmes. Coach of the Washington Generals basketball team.
Katie Couric. Celebrity judge on The Food Network's "Iron Chef America." She'll alternate with Paula Zahn.
Thomas Friedman. Permanently assigned to report from the Green Zone, Baghdad.
Bernard Goldberg. A one-way ticket back to 1957, and a full-time job as a linotype operator for the New York Journal-American.
Nancy Grace. U.S. Consul, Aruba.
Sean Hannity. Vice-principal at a Catholic boys' high school in Queens.
Brit Hume, Shepherd Smith. Department store mannequins, Mall of America.
Max Boot, Fred Kagan, Bill Kristol. Recruits, U.S. Marine Corps, Parris Island, South Carolina.
Mara Liasson. Female lead in the musical version of "101 Dalmatians."
Rush Limbaugh. Spokesperson for Purdue Pharma, the maker of OxyContin.
Chris Matthews. Emcee, Mr. America pageant.
Peggy Noonan. Postulant in the Poor Clares order of nuns.
Bill O'Reilly. Head of Fox Security.
Cokie Roberts. Headmistress, Miss Roberts's Finishing School for Girls.
Tim Russert. Investigative reporter for WGRZ-TV, the NBC affiliate in his hometown of Buffalo.
Michael Savage. Tackling dummy, Oakland Raiders training camp.
Bob Schieffer. Cattle auctioneer.
John Siegenthaler. Prison guard.
Michael Smerconish. TSA screener at the Akron-Canton Regional Airport.
Brian Williams. Track announcer for NASCAR Nextel Cup Series races.
