From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
January 3 in the George Orwell Room of the White House...
REPORTER: Could you explain what is humane about detaining somebody who's not been charged with anything for the rest of their life?
SCOTT McCLELLAN: I never said that that was the case. I said that we are at war on terrorism. And the war on terrorism continues. And as that war continues, we continue to go after those who seek to do harm to the American people. We continue to pick people up off the battlefield in the war on terrorism. These are people that have no regard for the rule of law. They have no regard for innocent civilians. They have no regard for the values we hold so dearly in the United States. We are a nation of laws and values, and we adhere to our laws and values.
So remember kids: You're guilty until...eh, whenever. That's the NEW American way!
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Note: Due to budget cuts, C&J has been forced to sell out to corporate America. Cheers and Jeers starts in the Lockheed Martin Extended Entry Section... [Swoosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 6, 2005...
By the Numbers:
Days `til elections in Iraq: 24
Amount of U.S. online holiday shopping in 2004: $23.2 billion
Percent change over 2003: +25%
(Source: Goldman Sachs & Co./Nielsen Ratings e-spending Report)
Rank of `Desperate Housewives' among network TV shows watched by children ages 9-12: #1
(Source: Nielsen ratings)
Number of details released on Bush's plan to gut Social Security: 0
Percent of January that's now over: 19%
Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Great moments in TV history! Coming soon to Lifetime: Colonel Klink...The Very Early Days: http://control2success.com/3r/Images/joke/0209.jpg. "Flufffeeeee!"
CHEERS to the opening salvo. Two landmark events today: Confirmation hearings for Alberto "Torture: It's What's For Dinner" Gonzales, and certification of the '04 Election results (Lordy, who would possibly object to that?). By the end of the day, we'll know whether D.C. stands for Democrats with Cojones...or Democratic Cowards. Choose wisely...we're all watching.
JEERS to homicidal Maineiacs. An employee of a Tim Horton's restaurant in Caribou (where moose outnumber people) beat his boss and left her to die in a back room while he continued serving customers as if nothing happened: http://www.bangornews.com/news/templates/?a=106145&z=175. Let me guess---his favorite movie is `Fargo.'.
CHEERS to the Land of Enchantment. Happy 93rd birthday to our 47th state: New Mexico! We understand that your state motto is "It grows as it goes." Just like your Governor.
JEERS to tragic meetings of sperm and egg. On January 6, 1945, George H.W. Bush married Barbara Pierce. We wish them a happy 60th anniversary and all...but the product of their hot passionate night fogging up the windows of the Studebaker has darn near destroyed America. Which is why we need a constitutional amendment right now to outlaw Republican marriage.
JEERS to the great shrinking paycheck. Three years into the economic "recovery" and Americans' are taking home less. Not only that, but Human Resources managers (read: CEO ass-kissers) have been told that financial incentives are no longer needed to lure new employees: http://springfield.news-leader.com/business/today/0105-Paychecksm-266979.html. At this rate, how long before India starts outsourcing their work back to us?
CHEERS to Lt. General James Helmly. In a leaked memo, the head of the U.S. army reserve minces no words---thanks to George W. Bush, our troops are "rapidly degenerating into a `broken' force": http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4150749.stm. Help us expand Colin Powell's famous Pottery Barn rule: "You break an item, you own it. You destroy the entire store, you. . ."
CHEERS to surviving Hell. C&J is floored over this extraordinary sight: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/050105/481/nyet25001051451. How do we find that guy so we can buy him a drink?
JEERS to God's Plan. You guessed it...Pat Robertson's been staying up late instant-messaging with the Almighty again. The latest from the Man upstairs: "I will remove judges from the Supreme Court quickly, and their successors will refuse to sanction the attacks on religious faith. President Bush will have Social Security and tax reform passed, and the Muslims will turn to Jesus Christ": http://mediamatters.org/items/200501040010. "Oh...and can you FedEx me another case of Vernors?"
CHEERS to scraping that shit off the air. Wow...Jon Stewart's tirade worked. Tucker Carlson has been kicked off `Crossfire,' and it looks like the whole show will now go the way of the dodo: http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=entertainmentNews&storyID=7250696. Can someone now please find a cushy solo spot for the sharp `n scrappy Paul Begala?
JEERS to missile defense. So pathetic is this: the Russians have already developed a missile that renders our Star Wars defense shield obsolete: http://www.theleftcoaster.com/archives/003613.html. Tell me again why we didn't bury this albatross with Reagan...
JEERS to the death of bipartisanship. Since 1997, Congressman Ray LaHood (R-IL) helped organize a weekend retreat for Republican and Democratic representatives and their families. It attracted 200 members back then, but this year's outing was cancelled due to lack of interest. LaHood tells Time magazine: "The well has been poisoned" by petty bickering. Yeah, well...they started it!
CHEERS to real wartime presidents. On January 6, 1941, Franklin Roosevelt gave his famous "4 Freedoms" State-of-the-Union speech. Read it---all of it: http://www.libertynet.org/~edcivic/fdr.html. And then give generously to a secret underground human cloning lab near you.
CHEERS to real Republican presidents. On this date in 1919, Franklin's cousin Theodore Roosevelt died at the way-too-early age of 60. Pay your respects here: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=898&pt=Theodore%20Roosevelt. Then shake your head at how low his party has sunk in 86 years.
JEERS to regrettable moments in crowbar history. Ten years ago today, figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was attacked by Tonya Harding's bodyguard. A month later a recovering Kerrigan won a silver medal in the 1994 Olympics. And 6 months after that doctors finally removed it from Tonya Harding's bodyguard's butt.
JEERS to canine mules. Columbia drug smugglers implanted heroin in the stomachs of 6 rottweiler puppies: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/050104/481/bog10101041738. C&J humbly suggests punishment for the guys who did it: Death by rottweiler.
JEERS to banging in Bangladesh. You'll NEVER guess what caused the tsunami. It was all the gays having sex at the Asian seaside resorts: (via Americablog) http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=42242. And now that you've witnessed our awesome power to destroy the world many times over...we'd like to get married, please.
Cheers and Jeers 6-month Flashback: July 6, 2004
CHEERS to Republicans on the lavender side of the fence. From a letter we received Friday from Sen. Olympia Snow (R-Maine) re same-sex marriage: "Given the strong difference of opinion about this issue among the American people, I believe that decisions about same-sex marriage should be left to the individual states and local governments." Wow. Care to march in our Pride parade next year?
CHEERS to the `mute' button. Coming soon to a commercial break near you: new Republican campaign ads featuring Bush and McCain. Because showing Bush and Cheney in the same ad would cause their numbers to plummet.
And just one more:
JEERS to bad starts. We bet Christmas with the in-laws was a hoot for `ol Johnny: http://www.control2success.com/3r/Images/joke/0907.jpg. For his sake we hope that sign isn't sitting in front of a rifle range.
Floor's open. And so is the new Lockheed Martin Scratch `N Dent Store! Stop by for great bargains at great prices. This week: Buy two Poseidon C3 Ballistic Missiles (http://www.lockheedmartin.com/data/assets/2577.jpg) and get the third at half price with coupon. Hurry---Offer ends Sunday!
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